It had been the longest day of his life, and he’d seen some long ones.

Spike pressed a washcloth to Buffy’s forehead, a harsh breath hissing through his throat. She had been sleeping now for nearly twenty-four hours, murmuring every now and then but not once opening her eyes. The First Lady had been by twice to alter the doses of the meds she’d put her on, assuring the worried vampire that Buffy was too much of a fighter to take her final bow.

Especially now, when she had so much to live for.

CJ was giving yet another ambiguous briefing on why the White House had crashed the day before, detailing the events of the past twenty-four hours…sans the details. She conducted herself admirably with what little information she could give them. Truly, he felt for her. Things, in many ways, would be so much simpler if humans were introduced to the world beyond their false reality.

Then again, there’d likely be mass panic, and that wasn’t good. Highly amusing, granted, but not good. And rather boring after a while.

“Chris, we call it national security for a reason,” CJ answered coolly, turning her head to another reporter. “Danny!”

“Does the White House have a response to the Majority Leader classifying yesterday’s attack as, ‘Another example of how Democratic leadership falters when hostilely provoked?’”

CJ blinked. “Only that the Majority Leader is both stupid and wrong, though there’s no surprise there. That’s all.”

Spike winced. She was going to take some heat for that. There were times, though not many, when the Press Secretary lost her cool in the briefing room and ended up saying something that most would otherwise categorize as a slip of the tongue. He’d been around long enough, though, to recognize the weaknesses of certain administrations.

CJ wasn’t a weakness; it was her strength that terrified the opposition.

“That didn’t sound like it went well.”

The vampire’s eyes dropped to the face of his Slayer, and he swore, in that instant, that his heart had begun thundering in his chest. “Buffy…”

She smiled up at him weakly. “Hey.”

That was all it took; the light in her eyes. He crashed without warning, his head falling against her stomach as he released the full weight of his concern and mingled relief into the comfort of her body. It was too similar to before; reminded him too much of seeing her come back to life the previous year in a small room in Natchez after battling a god. After staking her right to her body and clutching her to his chest as he fought to hold onto the happiness this miserable world had finally granted him.

Two years. Two gods. He didn’t know if he could take it anymore.

“Christ, Buffy,” he gasped. “You gotta stop doing this to me.”

Her eyes enveloped him with warmth, a hand rising to cup his cheek and wipe the tears from his face. “It’s okay,” she said softly. “It’s okay now. It’s over.”

A shrill laugh escaped his throat. “Over. Over, bleedin’ over. I nearly lost you.”

“You’ll never lose me.”

“You can’t…what I…I asked you to do it—”

“I needed to do it.” A long sigh shuddered through her body. “I didn’t know gods could break, did you?”

“Buffy…”

“I feel broken all over…but it’s fixing itself.” She settled back, her eyes fluttering shut. “I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t…I couldn’t even begin to be ready for that.”

“Sweetheart—”

“I know I said I’d try, Spike, but how do you try? How do you train for this? Gods aren’t made the way I was made. Gods are just…there.” She shook her head. “I’m supposed to be human. How can I train to channel that? How can I begin to know what I’m doing? I thought I had a handle on it…Lord help me, I really did. I thought it was under control. That I could keep it under control. That I had that sort’ve power.”

“You do. We jus’ don’ know—”

“How to use it. There’s not exactly an owners manual on this thing.”

“You haven’ trained, sweetheart.” He tucked her hair behind her ear and pressed a kiss to her brow. “You got yourself there mentally, but you never set out do to change anythin’. Every time you’ve had to call on it, ‘s been about usin’ the full of what you have. You wield pretty bloody powerful mojo there…you think you can jump to bein’ a pro without completin’ the beginners’ level?”

Emotion stormed her eyes, and he felt everything stop again when they flooded with tears. “What else was I supposed to do?” she asked softly. “I know it’s…Giles tells me to get a handle on it…how the hell does he know what this feels like? He’s not a god. He’s just…Giles. He can’t even know what it’s like to need what you need. I know I needed to understand it, Spike. I know I needed to learn it. But the world didn’t stop for me. I wasn’t ready to have to not only accept it, learn it, and dish it out. I’ve only been like this for a year. How the hell can anyone—”

“Shhh, pet, ‘s okay.”

“No, it’s not! It’s not okay. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry it took me so long. I’m so sorry I don’t have a better handle on it. I’m sorry I can’t do what I tried, and I’ll never…” Buffy palmed his cheek again, losing herself in the deep azure of his gaze. “I never want to feel that again. I never want to feel you so…it was terrible. You needed me and I wasn’t there. Not the way you needed me to be.”

He offered a watery smile. “You were busy savin’ the world, luv. Can’t exactly blame you.”

“I didn’t save the world. You did. I don’t know how to save the world anymore.”

“Balls.”

“Spike—”

“You don’ know how to save the world?” Spike arched a cynical brow. “That’s not a talent you forget. You mean you can’t save the world like you used to, sweets. You can’t jus’ jump in an’ be the Slayer, ‘cause you’re so much bloody more than the Slayer now. You haven’ stop savin’ the world, Buffy. You jus’ learnin’ how to do it in a different way. You mastered it before, an’ you will again. This is jus’ the next level, an’ you’re terrified ‘cause no other girl in your shoes has ever made it this far.”

Tears spilled over her eyes and she looked at him with such love, he thought he would burst. “How do you do that?”

“I’m jus’ talented.”

“You still in this just because you like this world?” she asked softly, tilting her head to the side.

He grinned. “Well, this world has you in it, so I’m willin’ to fight the good fight.”

“Sap.”

“Well…yeah.” He graced her with a dubious glance. “Tell me I’m not the only one who thinks so.”

She flushed and smiled fully, and his heart warmed. “Okay, so we’re both saps.”

“Quiet a pair, huh, luv?”

She expelled a deep breath, but didn’t respond. Her expression grew troubled once more. “I…what happened? Is Glory…I take it that she didn’t kill me, but—”

“She’s dead.”

Buffy’s eyes widened. “She’s dead? Was that…did I…?”

Guilt consumed him. They were both weak at confronting their issues. How long had he been keeping this from her? Telling everyone else; confiding in everyone except the woman he loved. Except the one he had claimed to share his life. They were so wholly the same at times; she with her inability to accept what she had become, and he with his inability to tell her what he had grown into, simply by being around her.

They were the same.

Here we go.

“Partly,” he said. Then paused. “I killed her.”

There was a long, still beat. “You…what?”

“I killed Glory…I was able to ‘cause of what you did. She was dazed, I think…an’ she had hurt you. I raced at her, snapped her neck, an’ the rest is a blur.”

“Spike…how…?”

“I’ve been growin’ stronger, kitten. For months now.” His eyes fell to the bedspread, unwilling to see the betrayal that would undoubtedly devour her. “Ever since…’s you. It’s us. You’re a god, an’ I’m the mate of a god. An’ I drink…we share blood.”

“You’ve been getting…stronger?”

He nodded. “Much.”

“Why didn’t you…why is this the first I’m hearing about this?”

The next part was true, but it didn’t justify his actions. If anything, he felt it condemned him more. Made him more the hypocrite than he already was. They’d been dancing around each other now for months. Buffy with her denial, he with his secrecy. They were mates; there could be no secrets. None of this magnitude.

“I din’t…you were so afraid for what you thought you were becomin’, sweetheart,” he said. “Afraid of what you could do. Afraid of what…well, afraid of power. I din’t need you worryin’ for me, too.”

“Worrying that you would—”

“I—”

“Spike…I would never…how could you think that I would think that?”

A small, nervous smile crossed his lips. “Old habit,” he murmured with a shrug. “You’re…you can’t ever forget that I’m…I know you can’t. No matter—”

“You’re a dope.”

“I’m a what?”

“We’re mated. You feel it when I’m sad. When I’m happy, or afraid, or…anything. Why on earth would you think I can’t feel everything you feel? I always just thought your reservations were about me being a big fraidy-cat.” Buffy willed her eyes closed. “I love you. That’s never gonna change.”

Spike’s smile turned tender, and he brushed a kiss across her lips. “We’re both a li’l dense where that goes,” he murmured. “I love you, too.”

“There can’t be any more of this. No more…keeping stuff like that from each other.” She shuddered. “I did it, too. I tried to keep it about me, the Slayer, as in the only one. But I’m not that anymore. I’m a god…and I have you.”

“Right on both counts.”

“We have to be in this together.”

“For real instead of jus’ sayin’ it, right?” Spike’s lips touched her forehead. “We’ve been sayin’ it forever.”

“I’m not…for a while, I’m not going to be able to do my job.”

“You don’ have an obligation to your job anymore, sweetling. Not if you don’ want it.”

“Want isn’t an issue.”

“I know. Jus’ thought I’d throw that out there.”

“I just can’t do it for a while. Not without going off like I did.” She trembled. “I feel it. I feel it now more than I have before. I feel like a time bomb.”

Spike ran a hand up her arm, pressing his brow to hers. “We’ll figure it out.”

“Not with Giles.”

“The Council of Wankers wouldn’t know where to begin with a god,” he agreed.

Buffy licked her lips. “What about Willow? She’s a witch…she has to channel power like this…she could help me temper it.”

The vampire stilled. “Not sure how good I feel about Red bein’ your coach on restraint.”

“What do you mean?”

“She’s been gettin’ stronger, too. Don’ tell me you haven’t noticed.”

“Well, she’s gotten past that awkward ‘floaty pencil’ thing, if that’s what you mean.”

“The first time she faced a god, luv, it knocked her out for hours. Glory was throwin’ everything she had at her this time, an’ Red barely has a scratch to show for it.” Spike heaved a sigh. “She hasn’t had much to show for it for a while. Let’s face it; Red’s been warmin’ the reserve bench for the past few months. Where’d all that power come from?”

Buffy shrugged. “Will knows that just because she can’t see it, something’s there. She probably does exercises and stuff. Plus, there has been a nasty hellgod running amuck through DC.”

“Red hasn’t been the target.”

“I rather doubt she’s been twiddling her thumbs.”

“I know, an’ that’s what I’m sayin’. She’s gotten more powerful, an’ it’s been without our supervision.”

“Since when does Will need supervision?”

“Buffy…you were born like this. You were born with the super-human thing. Red wasn’t. Why do you think that you can’t handle it an’ she can? That you need trainin’ wheels while she’s been playin’ it by ear from the bloody beginnin’? You think Prissy steps in when her magic goes wonky?”

“I—”

A sigh of exasperation hissed through his lips. “What is it with your inability to see fault in people, but your insistence on comin’ down so bleedin’ hard on yourself? You think Red can’t get taken by her power? She’s human, pet. I don’ care how good a chum of yours she is. I’ve seen the best corrupted with power, an’ I’m tellin’ you, she’s no different.”

“Calm down. I’m not…” Buffy expelled a deep breath. “You’re right.”

“I…wait.” He blinked. “What?”

“See, sometimes you gotta slow down.”

“I don’ hear you say that often.”

“I know. You’re right about Will. You’re right about pretty much everything.” Buffy grinned and tugged him down to her, kissing his lips gently. It felt like forever had passed since they had simply had time to be together. Since the world around them had crashed; since everything was now beginning to rebuild. “I think we need a vacation.”

“I’d agree with that,” Spike murmured against her mouth. “I love you, sweetheart.”

“I love you, too.”

“No matter what. Today…how long it takes, I don’ care.”

“I know.”

“An’ we’ll get through it. This thing. Without Willow.” He shook his head. “I don’t want her near you in this sort’ve…”

“What is it?”

“With magic. I don’ want you tradin’ secrets with her.”

“Spike, that’s—”

“I have a feelin’, okay? I can’t explain it, an’ I don’ know what it means, but I have a feelin’. The sort’ve feelin’ that I tend to trust, especially when it comes to those I love.” He paused. “’m not sayin’ to stay away from Red. I’m jus’…as far as learnin’ how to manage your powers, I don’ think she’s the answer.”

Buffy was quiet for a long minute.

“You trust me, right?” he asked her when she didn’t respond.

“Of course.”

“More than…”

“I trust you more than anyone, Spike.”

“’m soulless, you know. Evil creature, here.”

“You’re also my vampire, and yes, I trust you. And if you have a feeling, you have a feeling.”

Spike looked at her for a long minute, then sighed his relief, tension rolling off his shoulders. It had been over a year, but he still nearly doubled over when she placed such unbridled faith in him. He suspected the feeling would never die. Not for a thousand years. Not for every second he spent with her.

There was a sharp knock at the door that stole whatever he was about to say right off his lips. And before he could rise or even voice an invitation, the First Lady was in the room.

Buffy smiled and sat up. “Hi, Abbey.”

“You feeling better?”

“I’ve only been awake for fifteen minutes or so.”

“I’m going to give you another shot here in the next hour. And I don’t want to hear about how you’re a god and you don’t need it. As long as I’m your doctor, you’re going to take what I tell you.” Her words were light but her eyes were heavy, and there was something there that she wasn’t saying.

Spike saw it the second before his mate did, and his insides went cold.

“What’s wrong?”

Abbey cleared her throat and took another step inward. “Buffy…I just got off the phone with Dr. Matheson in New York. I didn’t know when it would be good to tell you, but I don’t want…something has happened.”

The world around him froze. And he knew.

Oh God.

Buffy went rigid beneath his touch. “What is it?”

“Something went wrong. Your mother didn’t show up for an appointment.”

A still beat. “Did they send someone over?”

Abbey nodded. “Yes.”

Her words weren’t the important thing. It was her eyes. It was all in her eyes.

There wasn’t anything else. Buffy burst into tears without needing to hear the rest, and lurched into her mate’s arms.

And Spike felt nothing but her sorrow. His own body was numb.

Joyce.

Abbey came over to the bed, her eyes heavy.

Spike buried his face in Buffy’s hair and held her as she sobbed.

He felt so helpless. So wretchedly helpless. But he sat faithfully and held his mate, murmuring softly into her ear.

Bleeding as she wept.


TBC