Issue
number: 15
Posted
on: March 6th, 1999
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File
under: Wet Humor
SPECIAL Y2K ISSUE
Many people are concerned about the upcoming turn of the millennium, its social
implications and the problems that could be caused by the so-called "Y2K
bug". In fact, here at This Publication we've received so many cards
and letters on the subject, we can't divide the total number by itself.
Therefore, we have decided to devote this issue to sharing some of the messages
we have, or in many cases haven't, received from readers around the
world. Or solar system.
Dear Sirs:
Here in Hong Kong we're all wondering what we should hoard first.
Food? Water? Air? What's most likely to disappear off the
shelves as the deadline for the millennium bug approaches?
Mimi Mee
Kowloon
Obviously, you've been reading
those alarmist news articles that point out that in virtually every modern-day
supply system, somewhere along the line there's a computer, and if that
computer breaks down due to the "Y2K bug", then the item(s) concerned
will no longer be available. It is expected that this type of
partially-informed, ill-conceived reasoning will lead to a certain amount of
"panic buying" toward the end of the year. There is no need for
this. We advise you to calm down, relax, get some perspective on the
situation, rent a forklift, go to the supermarket and grab up everything you
can right now.
To answer your question,
toilet paper is what you're after. It's always the first thing to go
whenever there's a fear of shortages. Your behavioral models here are
Morris and Lester Orr, twin brothers who lived next door to me in Beton Hall
Men's Dormitory at the University of Colorado at Klamath Falls in the
mid-1970s. Every room had its own bathroom and the university supplied
toilet paper, which could be picked up when you needed it from a utility closet
on each floor. The way it worked out, though, was that guys who skipped
class a lot -- like the twins* -- and therefore were around when a new delivery
came in would just take all they could carry and store it in their rooms.
The Orr brothers seemed to base all of their self-esteem on the sheer quantity
of unopened 4-packs of toilet paper lining their walls while the rest of us
bought our toilet paper at the supermarket. Finally they couldn't make
their way to the bathroom any more and had to be dug out with a
blowtorch. Remember: it's people like that who you're up against here, so
back that station wagon up to the loading dock and fill 'er up!
*One was majoring in accounting and
the other in undertaking, and they both finally graduated somehow. I
guess it was inevitable.
Dear Sirs,
Hi! I plan to immolate myself in a
crowded public place at noon on New Year's Day, 2000. What I need to know
is: how much gasoline am I going to need? Also, what's a good reason for
me to commit suicide in such a horrifying, disgusting and excruciating
way? I haven't figured that out yet.
Thank you so much for your kind help
-- it really really means a lot to me.
Cheerio,
Layleigh Lane
Brussels
You will need about one gallon of high-test unleaded -- wouldn't want to
pollute now, would we? -- per 45 pounds of body weight (slightly more if you're
wearing synthetic fibers). We recommend stocking up in June or July at
the latest. You never know how long those lines at the pump are going to
be come December, when everyone's trying to top off the tank. The last
thing you want is to spend January 1st wandering around town with an empty
jerry can, slogans scrawled on your clothes and forehead, plodding forlornly
from gas station to closed gas station. A word to the wise: this is going
to be the biggest holiday in human history, so figure on nothing being open.
As for a motive, what you want
to do is distance yourself from all the extremists, fundamentalists, dirt-class
head cases and doomsday cults who are likely to be attempting similar futile
acts of violence at the same time. For one thing, choose a site where
you're not likely to be upstaged by a bomb -- in other words, far away from any
embassies, multinational corporation HQs, George Winston concerts, etc.
If you're still at a loss for a cause when the time comes, we'd love it if you
would kill yourself to protest the pedantry of people who can't resist telling
you that the 21st century doesn't actually start until January 1st, 2001.
Take a few with you if you can, yelling "No Year Zero!" all the
way. Good luck, and have fun!
Dear Sirs:
You know how most people keep
their plates in a stack in the cupboard? They have maybe ten or twelve
plates, but most of the time they only use the top two or three, eat off them,
wash them and then put them back on the top of the stack. So this means that
the plates on the bottom almost never get used, except for maybe Thanksgiving
or Christmas when the whole family's there. So most people eventually end
up with four or five chipped, cracked, stained, worn-out looking plates while
all the others have hardly even been touched!
Well, not in my house: I
rotate my plates, taking three from the bottom and putting them on top every
week (Sunday night, right before the news). That way I guarantee that all
of my place settings will wear evenly and look the same for years to
come. Just to be sure, I put little numbers on the backs with nail polish
so I can check that they're always in the right order and no one plate gets
used more than the others.
Just thought I'd pass on this
handy little tip!
Signed,
Wim O'Weigh
Dublin
Thanks
so much for your lovely suggestion! We're sending someone over to your
house right now to kill you with a portable electric drill. Don't thank
us!
Dear Sirs:
What in the name of heaven did
that last letter have to do with Y2K?
Really now,
Deedee Weady
Melbourne
You
will probably also want to stock up on sugar, which is the other item that
disappears fastest in times of crisis. Your behavioral models here are
honeybees, who spend almost all of their waking hours making honey for
long-term storage. You probably always wondered what exactly honey is:
bee secretion? Bee spit? Bee sweat? Or worse? Well, the
answer is: worse. Honey is bee vomit. The bees swallow nectar, an
enzyme in their digestive systems converts it into honey, and then once back in
the hive they hunker over one of those little hexagonal honeycomb cells, lock
their hind legs and...
Dear Sirs:
Will you please just SHUT UP ALREADY?!
Sheesh,
William Bumbuweh
Nairobi
In closing, we'd like to share with our readers the "Y2K Preparedness
Guidelines" published by the International Pink Cross, a worldwide
volunteer organization of health professionals and disaster relief specialists
that just isn't quite as effective as the Red Cross:
(From IPC Publication ref.002-L8
"Y2K Preparedness":)
To protect your household from any problems that might arise due to the Y2K
bug, by early December 1999 you should have on hand:
- One week's supply of food and
water in case the groceries supply chain breaks down.
- Plenty of
candles, matches and a small bottled gas stove in case the power supply breaks
down.
- A pile of
green, wet wood and a fireproof blanket in case the telephone system breaks
down.
- A
battery-powered radio in case your TV breaks down.
- A
hand-wound spring-powered record player in case your battery-powered radio
breaks down.
- A minimum
of 20 books of classic literature in case your hand-wound spring-powered record
player breaks down.
- A
subscription to Penthouse in case your ability to stomach classic literature
breaks down.
- A divorce
application from the state of Nevada in case your marriage breaks up.
Given that any system whatsoever is liable to suffer from interruptions and
anomalies, you might also want to consider these special provisions:
- Avoid riding in airplanes, high-speed trains or elevators right at midnight
on December 31st. If you are at a New Year's Party, avoid riding on
banister rails, large dogs or your reputation from college of being able to
chug the whole punchbowl of Purple Jesus with no apparent ill effects.
- Withdrawing large amounts of cash from the bank is NOT recommended. For
one thing, muggers are expecting this, and constant nervous checking of your
pockets will just make it that much easier for them to pick you out of the
crowd. It's true that some banks may experience difficulties providing
all of their regular services, but on the up side, for the first week of the
year or so, there will be no effective difference between ATMs and slot
machines. In particular, there is a certain type of ATM which, if
affected by the Y2K bug, will release its entire stock of banknotes to whoever
happens to be using it at exactly 12:34 pm (EST) on January 5th. To find
out what make of machine this is and receive a list of banks that have yet to
update their computer systems, send $500.00 in cash or money order (no checks
or credit cards please) to The International Pink Cross in c/o This
Publication.
- Men who pee in sinks should be aware that as of January 1st, 2000, this will
no longer be possible. This has nothing to do with Y2K, nor is it true,
but our legal assistant Linda made us put it in anyway.
- There is no point in worrying about a lack of police or fire
protection. You won't have any, but there's no point in worrying about
it.
SPECIAL URGENT
WARNING FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE HAD COMPUTER CHIPS IMPLANTED IN THEIR BRAINS BY THE
CIA (FBI, KGB, MOSSAD, whatever):
Those chips are not -- we repeat,
NOT -- Y2K compatible. Most of them date from the 1980s, when memory
capacities were at a premium for that type of remote-controlled biologically
inert microchip, and when the clock rolls over to midnight on 12/31/99, all
hell is going to break loose INSIDE YOUR HEAD. The consumption of
alcoholic and/or effervescent drinks will only triple the force of the chaos
that is going to be triggered in your nervous system. The worst part of
it is: you will not be able to notice any difference whatsoever in your own
thoughts and actions, and it will seem like the people around you are
continuing to act as though you are a perfectly normal person. But that's
just your perception. In reality, you'll be making a blithering menace of
yourself, tearing your clothes off, thrashing about uncontrollably in 14
directions at once and shrieking incomprehensibly while your friends
frantically dial 911 to get an ambulance and straightjacket for you, but they
won't be able to get through because the emergency phone system will have
broken down.
Therefore, The Pink Cross would like
to take this opportunity, well in advance, to wish you a very Happy New Year.
©1999 by David
Jaggard. All rights reserved worldwide.