David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

an irregular publication

 

Issue number: 18

Posted on: June 6th, 1999

The next issue will appear, like clockwork, some time pretty soon.

 

 

Wet humor since 1999



 

This Issue:

 

Ever since the tragic high school shootout in a Denver suburb, the National Arms Devotees Association has been increasingly concerned about its image, especially in the eyes of young people.  In an attempt to improve relations with youth, two of its best-known apologists have agreed to host this new advice column for teenagers.

 

 

Got a problem at school?  Parents don't understand?  Boyfriend/girlfriend trouble?  Address your letters to:

 

Teen Talk with Chuck and Jesse

in c/o This Publication

 
 

Dear Chuck and Jesse,
 
        I have this problem at school.  There's this girl who sits in front of me in biology class and I think she's like really, ... well it's not like I'm actually... but sort of... well, yeah, I think she's really...... like...... neat.....................   ,   ......................   and everything.  You know?  But she never pays any attention to me and I think she doesn't even know I exist.  How can I get her to notice me?

S.T., Smallsville

 

Chuck says:
 
        As any US Marshall can tell you, nothing gets an attractive young lady's attention faster than the distinctive ka-choonk
of a shell being racked into the chamber of a pump-action shotgun.  I recommend the Wessington 12-gauge double-barrel over-under model because of its high-precision machining, fine craftsmanship, extended range, sturdy yet ergonomic design and the fact that you can disable the safety with a Q-tip.  Keep one of those babies in your locker and you'll have to fight the girls off with a stick!  Or a rock.  Wait -- what am I saying?  You know what to fight them off with!  Good hunting, kid!

Jesse says:
 
        By the way, if something really bizarre and horrible happens and you aren't able to get your hands on a gun, you can always try tattooing the girl's name on your forehead.  Not only will that get her attention, but then she'll know that you're really serious.  And don't get a professional job either -- if you do it yourself in the bathroom mirror with a darning needle and a fountain pen, she'll know you really care.
        (Hint: double-check the spelling of her name before you heat up the needle.  And remember that everything is reversed in the mirror, so you have to go from left to right.  No, wait -- I mean right to left.  Also, you have to make every other letter backwards.  I think.)
 

Dear Chuck and Jesse,
 
        I am 11 years old.  My parents have a gun cabinet in the basement.  They keep it locked all the time, but I found out where the key is, in Dad's sock drawer under his stack of soft-porn magazines from 1979.  But the thing is: now that I know how to open the gun cabinet, I find out there's nothing in it.  Empty!  No guns, no ammo, not even a duck call.  Dad says he's thinking about converting it into an aquarium.
        I can't believe how unfair this is.  What am I supposed to do when I get older and start feeling alienated?  What good will it do me to watch countless hours of violent movies and video games if I can never get my hands on a real gun?

R.M., Punyburg

 

Chuck says:
 
        One thing you didn't tell us here.  You say you're 11 years old, but can you pass for 21?  If so, your problems are over.  I take it you don't have any arrest record or history of mental illness, so you should be able to paste on a false mustache and stock up on a whole arsenal of quality firearms at any of the fine gun shows held regularly near you.

Jesse says:
 
        Of course, you're going to need some money to buy those guns, and for a person your age, considering the job market, the child labor laws and the union regulations in your state, I would recommend armed robbery.  You're not likely to get more than 6 months in a juvenile facility if they get you, and I did say "if".  Let's face it, 60 or 70% of all armed robberies don't even get reported.  The store owners are insured -- what do they care?  So here's what you do: get a gun, and...  Oh wait -- I guess that's where we started here, isn't it?  Chuck?

Chuck says:
 
        Well, you could always join your local junior chapter of the NADA and ask to borrow a weapon from one of the many like-minded friends and reliable companions you're sure to meet.

Jesse says:
 
        Yeah, there you go!  Like Chuck, here: he'd always be more than happy to lend me one of his sidearms, wouldn't you Chuck?

Chuck says:
 
        Of course! In fact, here you go.

Jesse says:
 
        Hey -- I've never seen one like this.  Where'd you get it?

Chuck says:
 
        Got it made special in Beirut.

Jesse says:
 
        What's this thing for?

Chuck says:
 
        No! Don't touch that!

Jesse says:
 
        What the...
 

Editor's note:
 

From now on, please address your letters to:

 

Teen Talk with Jesse and Wayne

in c/o This Publication

 

Dear Jesse and Wayne,
 
        Please settle an argument.  Last Thursday my best friend and I went to the mall to pick up a gold chain I was having cleaned at the jewelry shop.  The chain wasn't ready, so I started to argue with the clerk, saying that if they didn't have it done on time they had to do it for free.  Then the clerk looked up the work order, which said that the chain wasn't supposed to be ready until Friday.  So all right, it was my mistake, but I felt so humiliated, instead of backing down I just made an even bigger scene.
        Finally, my friend dragged me out of there telling me to lay off 'cause the clerk was right.  Which he was, but I say that because she's my friend she should always take my side in a dispute, even if I'm wrong. She says you should always do what you think is right no matter what.  I think she's wrong.  Who's right?

P.M., Micropolis

 

Jesse says:
 
        You should always do what you think is right.
 

Dear Jesse,
 
        So I'm right, because what I think is right is that my friend should back me up even if I'm wrong.

P.M.

 

Jesse says:
 
        No, I mean you should always do what you
think is wrong.
 

Dear Jesse,
 
        But what I think is wrong is her idea that you should always do what you think is right.  And what I think is right is that you should always back up your friend even if she's wrong.  So I'm still right.

P.M.

 

Jesse says:
 
        No, I meant that you were wrong.
 

Dear Jesse:
 
         I know
I was wrong.  I already said that.  But she should have backed me up and you just said so.

P.

 

Jesse says:
 
        No I didn't.

Dear Jesse,
 
        Yes you did.

Jesse says:
 
        When?

Dear Jesse:
 
        Just now.

Jesse says: 
 
        Did not.

Dear Jesse:
 
        Did too.

Jesse says:
 
        Did not.

Dear Jesse:
 
        Did too.

Jesse says:
 
[BLAM!!]

Dear Jesse,
 
        Uggggggghh.

Wayne says:
 
        Well, I guess that about settles that.  Next?

 
Dear Jesse and Wayne,
 
        I just turned 20 last month but I hope I still qualify as a teen, 'cause I really need your help.  Two weeks ago, I moved in with my girlfriend.  So far she has asked me to take my shoes off when I come into the apartment, not to hang my jacket on top of hers, not to leave the newspaper folded open to an inside page, to be sure the TV magazine is always on top of the TV, to leave all the remote controls together in one place, to stop saying "no problemo", not to hum when I'm washing dishes, to use one kind of towels for drying plates and another for silverware, to use only sponges for spills on the counter and only paper towels for spills on the floor, to keep perishable items separate from non-perishables in the refrigerator, not to sit on the bed if I'm wearing my jeans, not to wear my red pants any more, to sleep on my side to prevent snoring, not to clear my throat loudly in the morning, not to yell when I sneeze, to make sure my socks aren't bunched up when I put them in the laundry hamper, not to leave the fingernail clipper unfolded, to squeeze the toothpaste tube from the bottom, to rinse my toothbrush better, to wipe out the sink and shower immediately every time I use them, to replace the toilet paper roll with the new sheet coming off the top, and of course to keep the toilet seat down.
        In the same two-week period, I have asked her not to use my razor to shave her legs, especially since her razor is always sitting right next to it.  She continues to use my razor almost every day, saying that she forgets, meanwhile yelling at me for putting the ketchup next to the butter as though it's some kind of unthinkable crime against humanity.
        I say she should cut me some slack and she says that I don't know how to do even the most basic things. What do you think?

F.B., Runt Junction

 

Jesse says:
 
        I think your girlfriend sounds like a woman I used to go out with.

Wayne says:
 
        Would that have been back in your pro wrestling days there, Jess?

Jesse says:
 
        No -- after that, when I was running for governor.

Wayne says:
 
        Hey, by the way, who would you say gets more chances to meet women, athletes or politicians?

Jesse says:
 
        Well, it's hard to say, but I think the athletes probably have the edge there.  I remember this one time. . .

 

The Editor says:
 
        Hey, guys?  You want to stop dicking around and finish the column, or what?

Wayne says:
 
[BLAM!!]

The Editor says:
 
[thud]
 
Jesse says:
What'd yuh do that for?

Wayne says:
Nobody bosses me around.  He was violating my 21st amendement rights.

Jesse says:
You trigger-happy idiot -- we needed him!  He put's everthing we write into legibel form and does all the layout.  Plus he's the only one knows how to spell.

Wayne says:
Also I hate the expression 'dicking around'.

Jesse says:
Well whuddo we do now?

Wayne says:
Wait a sec, their's someone at the door.

A Messenger says:
Hey you guys, I have some kind of bad news for you from This Publication...

Wayne says:
[BLAM!!]

Jesse says:
We're not suppos' tuh do that.

Wayne says:
I know, but I don't wan' any witnusses.

Jesse says:
We better get outta here.

Wayne says:
We can take the emergency exit, down the back stares and threw the alley.

Jesse says:
Awright, les go.

Wayne says:
And who you callin 'trigger happy'?  Yer the one shot Chuck and that chain girl.

Jesse says:
Shut up 'n' run.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Dear Jesse and Wayne,
Isn't the 21st amendment the repeal of prohibition?
E.L., San Pequeno
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Dear Jesse and Wayne,

Hello?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Anybody?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 

Hmmm.
 
 
 
 

Guess I'll vote for stricter gun control when I grow up.
 
 



 
BACK TO CURRENT ISSUE
 


 

 ¨©1999 by David Jaggard.  All rights reserved worldwide.