Issue
number: 20
Posted
on: July 23rd, 1999
The next issue will appear, like clockwork, some time pretty soon.
This
issue:
LETTERS FROM PEOPLE WHO DON'T USUALLY WRITE LETTERS
Dear Sirs:
Just thought I'd
drop you a little note to let you know that we really do exist. Not only
do we really exist, but we really do have the power to control everything,
to run the entire world from what you what-we-call-"pawns" call
"behind the scenes". Only thing is, we're all so pathologically
lazy none of us ever gets around to doing much of anything. In fact, me
writing you this letter is the first thing any of us have done for the past 140
years. You think we'd let the world go to hell like this if we were
really making an effort?
Here's how it all works: you see. . . oh, I'm so tired now I think
I'll go take a nap.
I'll explain it to you someday.
Maybe.
Signed,
The only member of
the Illuminati who has the energy to lift a finger
PS: Three-hundred-seventy-two. Get it?! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Dear Sirs,
OK, so maybe it
took a while, but now we understand everything. Don't bother to
tell us anything else because, believe me, we got it all figured out
now.
Here's the deal:
Signed,
Everyone who turned
15 within the past year
PS: I mean really.
Dear Sirs,
I know you don't
hear from Me very often, but what with the world going to hell and those
worthless Illuminati sitting around on their fat butts doing nothing, I've
really got My hands full. But I just had to write to apologize for
something that's been on My mind for centuries.
Look, I admit it: I goofed when I approved the final design for the human
brain. I meant to make sexual response pretty much the same in both men
and women, but two sets of prototypes got mixed up in the lab and I ended up
going into production with one design for women and another one for men.
So men got the visual-stimulus-only arousal mechanism and women didn't.
That's why now you have all those "Miss Whatsis" beauty contests,
cheesecake in advertising, pornography in general and the "male
gaze". That's why Islamic fundamentalists require women to cover up
so much they can't recognize each other in the street and then they have to
stay home anyway. That's part of the reason why if a man exposes himself
to a woman she is considered to be the victim of a reprehensible crime, whereas
if a woman exposes herself to a man* he is considered to be one lucky
bastard. That's why "Playboy" magazine is the foundation of a
multi-skatchillion-dollar empire while "Playgirl" sells about as many
copies as "Fish Tank Decorator", mostly to gay men. And as if
this isn't a big enough mess, most men don't even realize that women don't
think that way, and of course vice-versa.
I know the whole thing has been just one huge hindrance to understanding
between the sexes, and I'm really sorry, OK? I'll try to make it up to
you. I'm thinking maybe I can get one of the Illuminati to write and
explain how it all works. How's that sound?
Signed,
God
(you know, Allah,
Yahweh, Krishna, whatever)
PS: I also botched up on the esophagus/trachea proximity
thing, and I apologize if you've lost any loved ones to choking. I've
come up with a little something for you to evolve to correct that, but it'll
take another two billion years. In the meantime, take small bites.
*By the way, this has only happened a total of three times throughout
the entire history of mankind. I ought to know.
Dear Sirs,
You ever hear the
expression "peer pressure"? You ever wonder who those
"peers" actually are? Well, it's us. And we're writing to
try to convince those 15-year-olds in that second letter up there to help us
steal a case of beer from behind the supermarket and go out to drink it under
the railroad bridge.
Here goes:
C'mon, let's do it. There's no way we can get caught. I'm telling
you: no way. I've looked back there where they stack the cases of beer
and Coke and stuff and nobody ever goes out there during the day.
Ever. So there's no way anybody's going to see us. You have my
personal guarantee. It's just plain impossible.
And if somebody does come out and see us, they're not going to do
anything. They work for a big chain store, what do they care? They
could see us hauling away a whole truckload of beer and they won't even lift a
finger. Trust me, I know. No way in the world they're going to give
us any trouble.
And if they do, they aren't going to call the cops. Why get involved in a
big legal hassle? They'll just tell us to drop it and we'll run out of
there and that's it. There's no way we'll end up having the police
involved. It just simply can't happen.
And if it does, they won't actually arrest us. The cops don't want to
have to do a bunch of paperwork just for a couple of kids stealing a case of
beer. No way, man, they'll just let us go. They won't take us
in. They can't. I'm 100% sure of it.
And if they do, there's no way you'll actually get convicted on a robbery
charge. You'd be a first-time offender -- they'll just let you go with,
like, a slap on the wrist. You can't possibly end up doing any time for a
thing like this. You just can't.
And if you do, it'll be in some juvenile facility where it's exactly like going
to school and you'll be able to come home on weekends and stuff. No
way they're actually going to send you off to some like hard-core adult prison
or something. It's like against the law or something. They can't do that.
And if they do, it won't be for more than about three or four months
tops. There's no way you can get the maximum sentence for petty larceny
like this. You can just forget about that.
And if you do, you'll be let out on probation in a couple of years
anyway. I'm sure of it.
And if you aren't, well hey, when you get out you'll be legal drinking age and
we'll all throw you a big beer party.
That is if you don't get gang-raped and murdered in prison. Which you
won't -- no way. Put it out of your head.
And if you do, it's a cinch you're going to heaven. You can take my word
for it.
So you see? There's absolutely nothing to worry about.
So hey, are you coming or not?
Signed,
The Sandhogs Gang
PS: C'MON
Dear Sirs,
I couldn't help
but notice in that third letter up there, God mentioned that He had
"something for you [meaning us] to evolve", apparently referring
to an alteration in the human mouth-throat structure. Are we to
understand that this means that belief in the Almighty and belief in evolution
have in fact never been mutually exclusive? Is it in fact thinkable that
there is an omnipotent being who created the universe and that the evolution of
various species is merely one of the mechanisms He chose to accomplish this?
And then His signature: "God... Allah... whatever"? Does
this mean that all of the different holy teachings that we perceive as
separate, inimical religions are in fact just manifestations of the same
spiritual impulse? In other words, that all those centuries of hatred,
prejudice, persecution, bloodshed and atrocities in the name of this or that
deity collectively represent the most heinous, pointless waste of human life in
the history of mankind?
It's not really important or anything. We were just wondering.
Signed,
All the religious
leaders in the world
PS: Hey, did you hear the one about the priest, the
rabbi, the seven Baptist preachers, the Hopi medicine man, the Taleban
chieftain and the Dalai Lama on the Space Shuttle? You did? Well,
that was us. Good one, huh?
Quorum of One will some fine day feature a page of links to other humor sites on the Web and recommendations of funny books. Readers are invited to send in their recommendations for consideration (see e-mail address below). You want a recommendation now? Read "Three Men in a Boat" by Jerome K. Jerome, possibly the funniest book ever written in English. And don't look at the copyright date until you've finished it.
©1999 by David Jaggard. All rights reserved worldwide.