David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

an irregular publication

Issue number: 21

Posted on: August 14th, 1999

The next issue will appear, like clockwork, some time pretty soon.

 

Wet humor since 1999


This issue:

 ASK MR. SYMBOLS

 

What does it all mean? Nationally-recognized expert in astrology, numerology, palmistry, tarot cards, geomancy, necromancy and all the occult arts, Mr Symbols interprets your experiences, your dreams, your thoughts and omens of all kinds to predict the future with uncanny accuracy.

 

Dear Mr Symbols,
        This morning I dropped my toothbrush behind the washing machine and when I fished it out it was all covered with clumps of dust.
        What does this mean?

Jenny Sussex
Somethings RI

 
Mr Symbols says:
        I'm a numbers man.  You know, numerology and all that.  I have to have some numbers or I can't tell you squat.  Don't bother me until you got some numbers to back it up.  Get me?
 

Dear Mr Symbols,
        Oh all right, fer chrissake  -- how 'bout this:
        This morning I dropped one  toothbrush behind one washing machine and when I fished it out it was all covered with two large and one small clumps of dust.
        What does this one event mean?
        Sheesh.

Otis Levitt
Farfrum OK

 
 Mr Symbols says:
        Now we're getting somewhere.
        This means that you are going to have a dream about an enormous jungle beast.
        By the way, I was kidding about needing numbers.
 

Dear Mr Symbols,
        Last night I had the strangest dream.  I dreamed that I was in the jungle and this enormous elephant came charging at me.  Then, just as it trumpeted a deafening roar and reared back on its hind legs to trample me to death, it turned into a huge eagle and flew away.
        What does this mean?

T. Cussnum
Gettin NE

 
 Mr Symbols says:
        A dream of an animal transforming into another animal of a different phylum usually means that you are soon going to be encountering some kind of difficulty in your professional life.
 

Dear Mr Symbols,
        I have this problem at work.  The guy who sits in the desk directly across from mine stares at me all day long.  I swear, that's all he ever does.  Except whenever I happen to look up, suddenly he'll be typing, reading or looking thoughtfully at his computer screen, pretending to be just working away as if nothing unusual is going on at all.  But I know damn well that the second I look away, there he'll be staring at me again, staring, staring, peering, glaring, never blinking, drilling right through me with his piercing gaze.
        What does this mean?

Burr Stooder
Bladders MT
 

Mr Symbols says:
        This means that you have been chosen by the celestial spirits to transmit some kind of message to mankind.  You must now wait for a sign from the other world.
 

Dear Mr Symbols,
        Next Thursday it will be twenty-three years to the day since you told me to be on the lookout for some kind of sign from the other world.  Well, I'm still waiting, and today I've got to ask you: which other word?
        I live in Nevada.

Ron O'Meigh
Weenie NV
 

Mr Symbols says:
        If you had received your sign you would know which other world.  If you haven't received your sign yet, this means that you are soon going to meet someone who will change your life.
 

Dear Mr Symbols,
        I just lost my job, my house, my wife, all my savings and my car.
        What does this mean?

Joshua Judge
Changier MO

 
Mr Symbols says:
        This means that you will soon become dyslexic as well.
 

Dear Mr Symbols,
        Whoa.  I met this guy.  Gosh, I still can't believe it, he's sooooo-oh-oh-oh cute and wonderful.  But cute.  He asked me out again on Friday.  What am I going to wear? What if I catch the flu? Can I still go? What if I say something dumb?
        Wait a minute, is this "Ask Mrs Thimbles, Advice for the Housebound"?
        Woops -- wrong column!

S. Ruth Samuel
Tool AZ

 
Mr Symbols says:
        An inability to distinguish between people (or advice columns) with similar names can often signify something deeper, such as an underlying fear of success.  You are about to experience a serious financial setback.
 

Dear Mr Symbols,
        Didn't you get those last two letters mixed around?

Sam Ewell
Chicken MI

 
Mr Symbols says:
        Failure to perceive commonplace things in their proper order usually indicates dyslexia or that you are soon going to lose a material possession that is very dear to you.  In your particular case, I lean towards the latter.
 

Dear Mr Symbols,
        Hey, are you the guy who used to call himself "Mr Cymbals" on the Ted Mack Amateur Hour, the guy who played "Theme from Love Story" on a drum set made entirely of cymbals?  Cause if you are, I'm not even going to mail this.  Why waste a stamp?  But if you're not, get this: I just stepped on a huge wad of bubblegum and had to throw out my very most favorite pair of shoes.
        What does this mean?

"King" Skings
Wyham CA

 
Mr Symbols says: 
        This doesn't mean anything for you.  It does, however, mean something for me: I am going to receive a letter from a total stranger.
 

Dear Mr Symbols,
        You don't know me, but I've been reading your column for some time now and I've got a question:  When are you going to tell someone that whatever happened to them means that they're going to drop their toothbrush behind the washing machine?

K. Ron Iccles
Emit AL

 
Mr Symbols says:
        Let us not be frivolous.  Each case is different.  I have undergone rigorous training in all the occult sciences.  I must have total peace and quiet in order to concentrate and see clearly in my mind what each person's experience means for them.  I see now that you are going to drop out of sight, never to be heard from again.
 

Dear Mr Symbols,
        I am from the municipal water, gas, telephone, electrical, cable TV and sewer departments.  Starting in five minutes, we are going to be renovating all the utility lines in your neighborhood.  This will entail tearing up the entire street directly under your windows using 12 or 13 jackhammers with no noise reduction devices.  Even though we'll be working around the clock, seven days a week, this should take about fourteen months.
        But that's not why I'm writing to you.  I'm writing because you said I would never be heard from again and yet here I am signing the very next letter in your column.
        What does this mean?

K. Ron Iccles
Emit AL

 
Mr Symbols says:
        It means that somewhere, someone is going to read a short story about a man with no tongue who is being held prisoner in the desert.
 

Dear Mr Symbols,
        I just turned 15 and I've been reading those French existentialists, you know, like Gide and Sartre and all those guys.  Wow, like, you know?
        I mean really.

S. Runny
Yippee IA

 
Mr Symbols says:
        I know what you mean.  Believe me, I know what you mean.  But this is not a literary review column.  I interpret omens.  Do you have a question or not?
 

Dear Mr Symbols,
        Yeah, as a matter of fact I do have a question: Why weren't the first two letters in this column signed by the same person?

M. Aya
Showsum ID

 

        Well, that's all from Mr Symbols this time.  Keep those questions coming, and remember Mr Symbols' basic rule of life:  everything means something.  There's no such thing as an accident or a coincidence.  Everything that happens to you is an omen, most of them bad.  If you break a drinking glass it means that you are very unlikely to ever win the lottery.  If you cut yourself while shaving it means that sooner or later you will become dissatisfied with some aspect of your life.  If you dream that you are falling from a great height it means that one day you will dream of finding yourself stark naked in public.  If you daydream about sex it means that you will drop stone cold dead from a new undetectable strain of "mad cow" disease as soon as the daydream is over.  I could go on, but if I did it would mean that I will soon receive a chain letter promising some kind of ill-defined "good luck" if I send out copies to 20 other people within nine days.



 
  BACK TO MOST RECENT ISSUE  
 



 

 1999 by David Jaggard.  All rights reserved worldwide.