Issue
number: 21
Posted
on: August 14th, 1999
The
next issue will appear, like clockwork, some time pretty soon.
This issue:
ASK MR. SYMBOLS
What does it all mean?
Nationally-recognized expert in astrology, numerology, palmistry, tarot cards,
geomancy, necromancy and all the occult arts, Mr Symbols interprets your
experiences, your dreams, your thoughts and omens of all kinds to predict the
future with uncanny accuracy.
Dear Mr Symbols,
This morning I dropped my toothbrush behind the washing machine and when I
fished it out it was all covered with clumps of dust.
What does this mean?
Jenny Sussex
Somethings RI
Mr Symbols says:
I'm a numbers man. You know, numerology and all that. I have to
have some numbers or I can't tell you squat. Don't bother me until you
got some numbers to back it up. Get me?
Dear Mr Symbols,
Oh all right, fer chrissake -- how
'bout this:
This morning I dropped one toothbrush behind one washing machine
and when I fished it out it was all covered with two large and one small clumps of
dust.
What does this one event mean?
Sheesh.
Otis Levitt
Farfrum OK
Mr Symbols
says:
Now we're getting somewhere.
This means that you are going to have a dream about an enormous jungle beast.
By the way, I was kidding about needing numbers.
Dear Mr Symbols,
Last night I had the strangest dream. I dreamed that I was in the jungle
and this enormous elephant came charging at me. Then, just as it
trumpeted a deafening roar and reared back on its hind legs to trample me to
death, it turned into a huge eagle and flew away.
What does this mean?
T. Cussnum
Gettin NE
Mr Symbols
says:
A dream of an animal transforming into another animal of a different phylum
usually means that you are soon going to be encountering some kind of difficulty
in your professional life.
Dear Mr Symbols,
I have this problem at work. The guy who sits in the desk directly across
from mine stares at me all day long. I swear, that's all he ever
does. Except whenever I happen to look up, suddenly he'll be typing,
reading or looking thoughtfully at his computer screen, pretending to be just
working away as if nothing unusual is going on at all. But I know damn
well that the second I look away, there he'll be staring at me again, staring,
staring, peering, glaring, never blinking, drilling right through me with his
piercing gaze.
What does this mean?
Burr Stooder
Bladders MT
Mr Symbols says:
This means that you have been chosen by the celestial spirits to transmit some
kind of message to mankind. You must now wait for a sign from the other
world.
Dear Mr Symbols,
Next Thursday it will be twenty-three years to the day since you told me to be
on the lookout for some kind of sign from the other world. Well, I'm
still waiting, and today I've got to ask you: which other word?
I live in Nevada.
Ron O'Meigh
Weenie NV
Mr Symbols says:
If you had received your sign you would know which other world. If you haven't
received your sign yet, this means that you are soon going to meet someone who
will change your life.
Dear Mr Symbols,
I just lost my job, my house, my wife, all my savings and my car.
What does this mean?
Joshua Judge
Changier MO
Mr Symbols says:
This means that you will soon become dyslexic as well.
Dear Mr Symbols,
Whoa. I met this guy. Gosh, I still can't believe it, he's
sooooo-oh-oh-oh cute and wonderful. But cute. He asked
me out again on Friday. What am I going to wear? What if I catch the flu?
Can I still go? What if I say something dumb?
Wait a minute, is this "Ask Mrs Thimbles, Advice for the Housebound"?
Woops -- wrong column!
S. Ruth Samuel
Tool AZ
Mr Symbols says:
An inability to distinguish between people (or advice columns) with similar
names can often signify something deeper, such as an underlying fear of
success. You are about to experience a serious financial setback.
Dear Mr Symbols,
Didn't you get those last two letters mixed around?
Sam Ewell
Chicken MI
Mr Symbols says:
Failure to perceive commonplace things in their proper order usually indicates dyslexia
or that you are soon going to lose a material possession that is very dear to
you. In your particular case, I lean towards the latter.
Dear Mr Symbols,
Hey, are you the guy who used to call himself "Mr Cymbals" on the Ted
Mack Amateur Hour, the guy who played "Theme from Love Story" on a
drum set made entirely of cymbals? Cause if you are, I'm not even going
to mail this. Why waste a stamp? But if you're not, get this: I
just stepped on a huge wad of bubblegum and had to throw out my very most
favorite pair of shoes.
What does this mean?
"King" Skings
Wyham CA
Mr Symbols says:
This doesn't mean anything for you. It does, however, mean something for
me: I am going to receive a letter from a total stranger.
Dear Mr Symbols,
You don't know me, but I've been reading your column for some time now and I've
got a question: When are you going to tell someone that whatever happened
to them means that they're going to drop their toothbrush behind the washing
machine?
K. Ron Iccles
Emit AL
Mr Symbols says:
Let us not be frivolous. Each case is different. I have undergone
rigorous training in all the occult sciences. I must have total peace and
quiet in order to concentrate and see clearly in my mind what each person's
experience means for them. I see now that you are going to drop out of
sight, never to be heard from again.
Dear Mr Symbols,
I am from the municipal water, gas, telephone, electrical, cable TV and sewer
departments. Starting in five minutes, we are going to be renovating all
the utility lines in your neighborhood. This will entail tearing up the
entire street directly under your windows using 12 or 13 jackhammers with no
noise reduction devices. Even though we'll be working around the clock,
seven days a week, this should take about fourteen months.
But that's not why I'm writing to you. I'm writing because you said I
would never be heard from again and yet here I am signing the very next letter
in your column.
What does this mean?
K. Ron Iccles
Emit AL
Mr Symbols says:
It means that somewhere, someone is going to read a short story about a man
with no tongue who is being held prisoner in the desert.
Dear Mr Symbols,
I just turned 15 and I've been reading those French existentialists, you know,
like Gide and Sartre and all those guys. Wow, like, you know?
I mean really.
S. Runny
Yippee IA
Mr Symbols says:
I know what you mean. Believe me, I know what you mean. But this is not a
literary review column. I interpret omens. Do you have a question
or not?
Dear Mr Symbols,
Yeah, as a matter of fact I do have a question: Why weren't the first
two letters in this column signed by the same person?
M. Aya
Showsum ID
Well, that's all
from Mr Symbols this time. Keep those questions coming, and remember Mr
Symbols' basic rule of life: everything means something.
There's no such thing as an accident or a coincidence. Everything that
happens to you is an omen, most of them bad. If you break a drinking
glass it means that you are very unlikely to ever win the lottery. If you
cut yourself while shaving it means that sooner or later you will become
dissatisfied with some aspect of your life. If you dream that you are
falling from a great height it means that one day you will dream of finding
yourself stark naked in public. If you daydream about sex it means that
you will drop stone cold dead from a new undetectable strain of "mad
cow" disease as soon as the daydream is over. I could go on, but if
I did it would mean that I will soon receive a chain letter promising some kind
of ill-defined "good luck" if I send out copies to 20 other people
within nine days.
©1999 by David Jaggard. All rights reserved worldwide.