Issue number 29 June 16, 2000
Wet humor on the Web since 2000
an on-line warning system for the benefit of readers who happen to be my mother
WARNING! This article has been found to contain the following:
Naked consenting adults:
If you are easily shocked or my nine-year-old niece, get out of here.
Otherwise, read on . . .
Because I am going to have trouble paying my taxes this year, I have decided to auction off my entire backlog of original wisecracks, jokes, quips, puns, putdowns, comebacks and one-liners.
These witticisms are the fruit of many long years of a daily and concerted effort to crack wise, representing the expenditure of untold Gigaergs of energy that could have been devoted to a better cause. These are all finely-tuned, original yoks, polished over time and burnished with a delicate patina through regular -- but never excessive -- use.
All prices are in US dollars ex-tax. Successful bidders will receive an authenticated certificate guaranteeing that their purchase has had only one previous owner and that they alone now possess the exclusive right to repeat, promulgate and implicitly claim authorship of said wisecrack, joke, quip, pun, putdown, comeback or one-liner.
Let the bidding begin.
Lot no.1: One-liner (Goldwynism)
The one-liner: If you want something for free, you have to pay for it.
Bidding starts at: $150.00
Lot no.2: Comeback/pun (Marxism)
The situation: Someone happens to say to you, "You certainly have a way with words."
Your response: "Yes -- I got away with four just this morning."
Important note: You do not have to mime tapping a cigar.
Bidding starts at: $250.00
Lot no.3: 14 rhymed take-offs on the expression "a roll in the hay"
a paw in the straw
a tryst in the grist
a feel in the meal
a laugh in the chaff
an hour in the flour
a billet in the millet
a parley in the barley
a cancan in the bran
a powwow in the haymow
some mileage in the silage
some porn in the corn
some heaves in the sheaves
some whacks in the stacks
getting boffed in the loft
Bidding starts at: $50.00 apiece or $700.00 for the set
Lot no.4: Putdown for a lesser yokmeister
The situation: Someone cracks a stupid, facile, or generally idiotic joke with a punchline that you could hear coming from forty miles off. I realize that this almost never happens in real life, but for the sake of argument let's just say that it does.
Your response: "Where do you get your jokes, the Rosetta Stone?"
Bidding starts at: $180.00
Lot no.5: Stupid, facile, generally idiotic joke with a
punchline that you can hear coming from forty miles off.
The joke: The other day I was walking down the street, a guy stopped me and said, "Hey, Buddy! I haven't eaten for three days! Gimme a quarter so I can have something to eat!" So I gave him a quarter (beat) and he ate it.
Bidding starts at: $19.00
Lot no.6: Comeback
The situation: You are just trying to have a normal conversation. The person you are talking to interrupts you in mid-sentence to complain about something you just said. With absolutely no intention or inkling of giving offense, it turns out that you have unwittingly stumbled upon a word or phrase that this person does not happen to approve of, for specific personal and (of course) unannounced reasons. There you were, just talking, seeking only to entertain, and suddenly you find yourself being vehemently admonished, "Never say that! I just hate it when people say that!"
Your response: "That's funny, because I just hate it when people have a strong opinion on whether other people say that or not."
Important note: It makes absolutely no difference whatsoever what the pronoun "that" refers to here. It could literally be any word, phrase or concept known to humankind. In real life, I personally have run afoul of former friends simply by using the words "soul", "talent" and "eroticism".
Bidding starts at: $700.00
Lot no.7: 15 totally worthless name puns
Mustapha B. Gwan
Leslie Pat Mieplace
Mary Jo Bligatory
M. Tibor Dexistance
Mary John deRoxe
Bidding starts at: $1.00 each, $1.00 for two, or three, or $1.00 for the entire set
Lot no.8: Stupid, facile, generally idiotic way to get
away with saying a really bad word.
The situation: You are not more than 17 years old. You are at school. You wish to express dismay in reaction to an event or perhaps a comment made by one of your peers. You are well aware that persons of authority are within earshot.
Your response: You say, "Oh, for cryin out loud," except that you say it like this: "Oh fuck--CRY-in out loud!" You adopt an attitude of pure innocence. You do not mention the words "Quorum of One" as you are frog-marched off to the principal's office.
Bidding starts at: $7.50 ($5.00 with valid student ID)
Lot no.9: "You-have-to-be-there" wisecrack to
make to friends
The situation: You are almost anywhere at any time, in the company of others. You hear in the near or far distance the cries and exclamations of very excited young people, typically a car speeding by from which emerge incomprehensible but ebullient screams and yells, possibly accompanied by ear-splitting low-denominator popular music.
Your wisecrack: You turn to the others present and say wryly, "Drugs or hormones?"
Bidding starts at: $1,200.00 (this wisecrack is available on rental for $250.00 per month, with a 3-month damage deposit).
Lot no.10: "You-have-to-be-there" wisecrack to
make to strangers
The situation: You are waiting in a long, slow-moving line to get into the restrooms at a public event. No one is talking.
Your wisecrack: You turn to the person behind you and say, "I've heard it's worth the wait."
Bidding starts at: $320.00
Lot no.11: 22 rhymed take-offs on the expression "Cruisin' for bruisin'"
Aimin' for maimin'
Bawlin' for maulin'
Brayin' for flayin'
Chompin' for stompin'
Dashin' for slashin'
Huffin' for cuffin'
Racin' for macin'
Rushin' for crushin'
Scoutin' for cloutin'
Scootin' for bootin'
Strainin' for canin'
Toilin' for broilin'
Trottin' for swattin'
Yearnin' for burnin'
Entreatin' for beatin'
Chatterin' for batterin'
Slobberin' for clobberin'
Totterin' for slaughterin'
Bidding starts at: $350.00 apiece, one handful of dry beans for the set.
Lot no.12: "You-have-to-be-there"
wisecrack for when the going gets tough
The situation: You are trying to accomplish something. The going has gotten tough. You realize that the best thing to do is admit defeat, pull the emergency handle, ditch it, stop throwing good time after bad, bail, and generally abandon ship.
Your wisecrack: "This reminds me of the immortal words of the great Emperor Napoleon, as he stood at the gates of Moscow and said: 'Fuck this!'"
Bidding starts at: $1,000.00
Lot no.13: 8 equivalents for the expression "that gets my goat"
that depletes my ozone
that scratches my Teflon
that fragments my hard disk
that salts my earthworm
that boils my potato chips
that endangers my snail darter
that gooses my feminist
that attempts to make any kind of joke whatsoever using the word "feminist"
Bidding starts at: $150.00 apiece. $0.50 for the set if you can figure out one more even slightly humorous way to make some kind of a plausible joke out of the "apiece / for the set" pricing premise. I'm sick of it myself.
Lot no.14: Comeback
The situation: You are just trying to have a normal conversation. You happen to mention something that you happened to have read. For whatever reason, one of your listeners has trouble accepting whatever it was that you have just mentioned and, seeking to belittle you and aggrandize him- or herself, actually says to you, in real life, as though it were in fact, in real life, a valid question: "Do you believe everything you read?"
Your response: "Yes, but only because I haven't yet read anywhere that I should bother to answer trite, cretinous questions."
Bidding starts at: $1,200.00
Lot no.15: You-have-to-be-there snide dig / putdown
The situation: You are having an argument with someone. Heated remarks are exchanged and no agreement is being reached. You wish this person would get (pick one or more):
a) a life
b) a brain
c) someone else to torment.
At last, in the course of conversation, more to
pass time and collect his/her thoughts than anything else, your opponent
happens to utter the exceedingly common expression, "I dunno..."
Your response: "At last we agree on something."
Bidding starts at: $900.00
Lot no.16: Comeback
The situation: You happen to be walking down the street in a much-frequented neighborhood of a major city. You are minding your own business. Up ahead, you notice that a small crowd has gathered. You think nothing of it and proceed, continuing to mind your own business. It turns out that the crowd is observing the diverting highjinks of a street mime. You briefly take note of this, and continue on your way. The mime starts following you, doing the timeless "imitating the way passers-by walk" routine.
Your response: You wonder why the crowd suddenly seems to be watching you. You turn around to look behind you, but somehow dont happen to notice that the mime, who is two feet away from you and wearing whiteface plus tattered, ostentatiously patched clown clothes and size 74 shoes, is also turning around, albeit in an exaggerated manner. You start to walk away again, more self-consciously. The crowd laughs. It finally dawns on you that the mime is indeed imitating you. You laugh along with everyone good-naturedly and decide to join the crowd for a few minutes. How you guffaw when the mime picks on his next "victim"! When this stunning display of theatrical virtuosity is over, you can barely contain your mirth as you hand the mime a 50-dollar bill. What the hell, a C-note.
Bidding starts at: $2,500.00
Lot no.17: Putdown
The situation: An unknown humor writer is auctioning off his backlog of wisecracks, jokes, quips, puns, putdowns, comebacks and one-liners. In his article, he seems to suggest that you should tolerate, appreciate and -- even more outrageously -- reward the sophomoric antics of a street mime.
Your response: You purchase that humor writer's entire stock.
Bidding starts at: $5,000.00
Lot no.18: Comeback
The situation: An unknown humor writer is auctioning off his backlog of wisecracks, jokes, quips, puns, putdowns, comebacks and one-liners. In his article, he seems to have lost the thread of what constitutes an amusing way to present this idea.
Your response: You stop reading his article immediately, get in your car, and drive around until you see a street mime performing. You pull over to the curb, shift to neutral, but leave the engine running. Biding your time, and perhaps if you are the high-strung type making an effort to breathe slowly from the diaphragm, you wait patiently until the performance seems to be finished. The small but appreciative crowd disperses. You see the mime alone, walking (normally, for once) down the sidewalk. There are no other pedestrians or vehicles -- and thus witnesses -- in sight. This is the moment you have been waiting for. You put the car in gear and mash down on the accelerator, heading straight for the mime. He turns and sees you coming. His expression of incomprehension is instantly replaced by one of panic. As your front wheels bounce over the curb, you swerve neatly between two parking meters and bellow an ear-shattering, demented roar of murderous frenzy. The mime is rendered speechless. You find this ironic. His ridiculously painted face is now frozen in a rictus of pure...
The Editor's response: Ahh, David? I think we all got the point here by now.
My response: Woops -- sorry, man. I guess I got kind of carried away there. But you know how I feel about those guys.
The Editor's response: Look, we all know that even street mimes' mothers hate street mimes, but you don't have to go on and on about it. Let's just get back to the auction, shall we?
My response: OK, here goes:
Lot no.19: Comeback/payback
The situation: You are merely attempting to engage in regular everyday discourse. You wish to contribute to the discussion by repeating some information that you have heard recently which happens to be:
b) Germane to the topic at hand
c) Not widely known, and
d) In all likelihood not true.
Mindful of the unproven nature of your information
and/or the unreliability of its source, you warn the others present that this
is merely something you have heard and that it may or may not be based on fact.
You might point out that they are free to believe exactly as much of the
information as they wish, that it is second- or third-hand to you and that it
might be exaggerated or even a total fabrication, but that you would still like
to share it purely for the sake of making interesting conversation. You
can go on in this vein for upwards of twenty minutes. Finally, you say
what you have to say. As soon as you finish, someone -- most likely not the
brightest star in the Big Dipper -- pipes up and says, in a voice dripping with
disdain, "You expect us to believe THAT?"
Your response: You pull out a small caliber jewel-handled revolver and plug the bastard right between the eyes. I just hate it when people say that.
Bidding starts at: This one's free.
Lot no.20: 7 equivalents for "not very intelligent"
Not the sharpest blade in the Mach III®
Not the smoothest Vichyssoise on the three-star menu
Not the most acute appendicitis on the pediatrics ward
Not the quickest brown fox ever to jump over the lazy dogs
Not the slickest semen stain on the fur-lined swing at Platos Retreat
Not the funniest joke on the website
Not the most brilliant jewel on the handle of the small-caliber revolver
Bidding starts at: $4,000
Lot no.21: One baker's dozen Mr. Spock song titles (in rough chronological order)
You Are Nothing if Not a Hound Dog
Voluminous Incandescent Spheres
Oh, Attractive Female
4.09 x 102
She Is Exceedingly Fond of You (Indeed, Indeed, Indeed)
Excuse Me, Judith
Father Possesses a Flexible Container of Very Recent Purchase
Females Who Frequent Low-Priced Bars and Lounges
A Virtually Immeasurable Quantity of Intense Affection
The Absence of a Female Adult as it Correlates to the Absence of Emotional Distress
Bidding starts at: $400 each, $900 for two, $1,500 for
three, $175,000 for the entire set.
Lot no.22: Comeback
The situation: You are me. It is quite a few years ago. Your college roommate has a girlfriend whom you don't like very much. In addition to being a sanctimonious, proselytizing vegetarian and subscribing whole-heartedly to whichever alternative belief system she happened to have read the paperback on most recently, she seems never to stop going on and on about her two older brothers who have a rock band in Miami. To hear her tell it, they are the baddest, most rebellious, revolutionary, non-conformist, iconoclastic, monument-defiling, sacred-cow-slaughtering crazies ever to shave strategic parts of their heads and strap on a guitar strap. Finally, partially to shut her up for a second, you ask her what the name of this band, if they're so in-your-face outrageous, might be. She replies, in real life: "Harlequin." You object, pointing out that this is an ultra-weenie name almost on par with "The Sunshine Band". Not surprisingly, she asks you what you think they should call themselves, possibly addressing you as "Mr. Smart Guy".
Your response: Knowing, in addition, that these alleged wildmen, and of course their sister, grew up in a stultifyingly devout Catholic family, you suggest that the band call themselves "Blowjob From Jesus".
Bidding starts at: $1,000,000
©2000 by David Jaggard. All rights reserved worldwide.