David Jaggard's

Quorum of 1

Issue number 30     July 21, 2000


Wet humor on the Web since 2000


This issue:


 Secrets of



        Forget about astrology, biorhythms, tarot cards, palm reading, crystal-gazing, tea-leaf reading, feng shui, phrenology, the US Meteorological Service and examining the entrails of a freshly-killed goose.  Numerology is the only reliable way to predict the future.  The power of numbers has been recognized since the dawn of civilization as being the divine force governing every aspect of our lives.  Over countless millennia, the deepest esoteric secrets for interpreting the arcane symbolism of numbers have been handed down from wisemen, seers, oracles, wizards, alchemists, masters of the occult sciences, gurus, hermits and ascetic reclusive mystics under a vow of silence... to me!


        In this article I will explain how to determine what number governs your life and how it dictates every aspect of your existence, past, present and future. But first, let's get started with an explanation of the inescapable, ineluctable, undeniable symbolic significance of each number.


Most importantly, it is (get this:)
1 + 1. Never thought of that, did you? Huh.

Most importantly, 3
is 1 + 2.  Hmmmmmm.

Most importantly, it is 2+2.
  Or 1+3.  Or 1+1+2.  Or the number of possible combinations of the 3 previous numbers that equal 4. Ooooooh.

Most importantly, it is the number that comes after 4.


Most importantly, it is 6.


Most importantly, it isn't 6.


Most importantly, it is 6.


Most importantly, it is 1
+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1+1, give or take a few, plus any number of zeros.  But all that is of no consequence whatsoever, because according to the rules I'm about to give for determining your own personal number, you can't possibly turn out to be a 10 anyway.



Pick a number at random from 1
to 9.  Take the number of letters in your first, middle and last names.  Multiply these 2 numbers and add them to the sum of the numbers in your birthdate.  Extract the square root and add the result to your social security number, telephone number (with area code), the numbers of any bank accounts you have, all your credit card PIN codes, the number of children you have, your net income for the previous fiscal year rounded to the nearest 10 cents, and the number of times you've said "Okey-dokey" in the past 48 weeks.  Take this number and add all the digits together.  Then add all the digits of the resulting number, and add all the digits again, and so on until you reach a 1-digit number.  Multiply this number by 9.  Add the digits of that number together.  Now subtract 6.  Now add 6. Now subtract 6.  Now add 6. Now subtract 6.  Now add 6. Now subtract 6.  Now add 6. Now subtract 6.  Now add 6. Now subtract 6.  Now add 6. Now subtract 6.  Now add 6. Now subtract 6. Write this number in your own bile on a piece of unlined white paper and fold it in half 8 times.  Tie up the folded paper in a blue-green ribbon and bury it under an elm tree by the light of a full moon.  After you bury it, stand by the side of the nearest road and wait for a vehicle to pass.  Note the first number of its license plate.  Then forget it.  Pick another number at random from 1 to 9.  That number is your personal number.



For a personal reading and a complete itemized numerological chart plotting the future of your life in precise hour-to-hour detail from now right up to the day you die, follow this simple 2-step procedure:

1) Send a check for $75,000 to "Numerology" in c/o This Publication.
Kill yourself.

All predictions guaranteed 100% accurate in every way or your money back.




 ©2000 by David Jaggard.  All rights reserved worldwide.