Issue number 33 December 27, 2000
Wet humor on the Web since 2000
Quorum of One is intended for adult readers
This
issue:
Today's
lead story:
Trace amounts of retinol, or vitamin
A, a substance that improves eyesight, skin quality and general health in
humans, were found in several production lots of filter cigarettes at the
Rigget & Lyers tobacco plant in Coughlin, North Carolina. The company
immediately issued an apology and recalled more than 1,000,000 cartons that had
already been delivered to its retail distribution chain. Only a few of the
tainted cigarettes, which had been packaged under the brand names Stud and
MountainAire, had actually reached the shelves.
A robot programmed to function as a
spokesman for the tobacco industry because no humans are willing to stoop that
low any more explained, "Rigget & Lyers deeply regrets this tragic
error and apologizes to its customers, who have every right to expect uniform
quality -- that is to say toxicity -- in the tobacco products they buy. We
sincerely hope that the consumers' confidence has not been shaken by this
regrettable incident. The situation is now under control and every conceivable
measure is being taken to ensure that no beneficial substances of any kind ever
again find their way into our products. Smokers across the country can breathe
a sigh, possibly their last, of relief."
International
update:
PETTTA Outraged
By WHO's Eradication of Polio Virus
The World Health Organization's
announcement that the polio virus has been eradicated in Southeast Asia
immediately triggered cries of protest and outrage from the pan-species
protection group People for the Ethical Treatment of Teensy Tiny Animals. A
spokesman for PETTTA said in a prepared statement to the press, "All
living beings have the inalienable right to life, whether they be human or
animal, plant or fungus, visible to the naked eye or microscopic. Our group
will defend to the death the right of every paramecium, nematode, amoeba, virus
and spirochete to live out its full, natural lifespan, fulfilling the destiny
that nature intended for it. The irresponsible, egomaniacal, speciesist
vaccination of the human populations of Southeast Asia against the
poliomyelitis virus is tantamount to genocide, forcibly depriving this innocent
microbe from pursuing its traditional lifestyle, namely infecting small children
and permanently disabling the ones it doesn't kill. Because we feel that all
life is sacred and inviolable, and that to take any form of life is a heinous
crime against nature that simply cannot go unpunished, we hereby announce that
we will murder one research physician each day until the polio virus is
re-released into the region in question. But not around here, for god's
sake."
A question and answer session with
reporters followed this statement. Due to space limitations, we are unable to bring
you a full transcript of the exchange, so we have decided to print only the
PETTTA spokesperson's answers:
Yes, we do eat. Of course we don't
eat any meat or dairy products, but we do consume plant products that can be
harvested without harming, or pissing off, the plant. So no whole vegetables or
ground grains. But nuts and berries are OK. Lettuce leaves that happen to have
fallen off in the field. Some honey. Maple syrup if the sap is taken from a
tree whose bark was already cut open by lightning or carpenter ants -- that
kind of thing.
No, we're against all vaccinations
and antibiotics. When we get a cold, the flu or a fungus infection, we just let
it run its natural course. It's the only ethical thing to do.
Oh, we lose about 100 members a year
to malnutrition and treatable diseases. But it's OK -- we've set up a special
funeral fund.
Naturally, the members of our group
have to adjust their lifestyles, and not just in terms of having their life and
health insurance revoked. For example, we forbid lawn mowing because it hurts
the grass. Also, we're against house cleaning because it deprives cockroaches,
mice and dust mites from thriving in their preferred habitat.
I'm glad you asked that question --
we are indeed very active politically. For example, we have introduced bills in
every state to ban sewage treatment, bathing, toothbrushing, doing laundry and
washing dishes because it kills the bacteria that proliferate in bodily and
food residues.
As a matter of fact, yes -- we are all single. Why do you ask?
Special paid advertising section:
Are you looking for that special holiday
gift for that special someone?
Someone who already seems to have everything he or she could possibly
want or need?
Someone who travels a lot by plane?
And do you have a lot more money than common sense?
If so, we have just the gift idea you've been looking for:
A hand-made,
embossed, monogrammed airsickness bag from the House of Goccia, purveyors of
fine leather goods.
Each of these handsome ejecta
receptacles is lovingly hand-crafted from fine hand-tooled leather that is
hand-flayed off of hand-fed goats and hand-tanned so as to bring out its full
luster and patina of fingerprints. A 14" Goccia logo is discreetly
embossed in gold leaf on the outside of the bag. The inner lining is made of
the finest Thai silk, dyed a specific shade of taupe that was selected to go
perfectly with partially-digested airline food (business class). An exclusive
high-tech closure system creates an airtight, watertight, biletight and
miasmatight seal to keep the contents from -- oh, never mind, just skip to the
next sentence. You can personalize your gift with a two- or three-letter
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conditions of use at high altitudes.
It's the ideal
travel companion!
To order your Goccia airsickness
bag, send a check or money order for $5,549.99 to Luxury Barfbag in c/o This
Publication. Don't forget to indicate your choice of monogram (two or three
letters in gold, silver or platinum) and size:
Small (747 in turbulence),
Medium (F16 in combat) or
Large (Graf Zeppelin in a hurricane).
The ideal gift
for someone who has everything,
but is about to lose some of it!
Public
Service Announcement:
Following the wild success of the unfounded,
preposterous and yet unkillable rumor that the aluminum industry wanted to
collect beverage can pop-top tabs which would somehow pay for a non-existent
child's kidney dialysis, other industries have announced the opening of new
collection drives to benefit mythical charities:
The combined porcelain and plumbing industries are asking the entire population
of the United States to save that little bit of water that collects in the
bottom of every toilet brush holder. Donators are requested to save the water
in two-gallon wide-mouthed milk jugs and when they have a minimum of twenty
jugs full absolutely to the very brim to turn them in at any participating
industrial plumbing supplies wholesale outlet, most of which are located at the
end of long, unpaved, rutted roads, are closed at odd hours and don't have
phones so you can't call to check whether they're participating or not. Jugs
with caps will not be accepted. A contribution will be made in the donor's name
to the Dam the Water Torture Foundation, a chimerical group devoted to stamping
out the practice of the equally unreal Chinese water torture around the world.
The American Toothbrush Manufacturer's Association is asking everyone to save
the popcorn hulls and raspberry seeds that get caught in their gums. Any amount
of qualifying oral residue can be turned in at participating drugstores and
dentists' offices. The money generated by their recycling, should a use ever be
found for such debris, will be contributed to a fund established to send
mint-flavored dental floss to starving children in third world countries.
Sports:
After the Olympic Games and the
Paralympic Games, Sydney, Australia will play host next month to the Not Very
Special Olympics. Organized to showcase the everyday but frankly hard to
believe skills of ordinary people, the games are open to anyone of any age and
any nationality who feels that he or she has a particular aptitude in any of the
events.
This year's competitions include:
Washing contact lenses over an open drain with both taps
running full blast
Repairing a ceramic plate using Super Glue without getting any on your fingers
Putting bags of snack food back into the cupboard until the next day after only
three bites
Coming up with interesting, engaging topics of conversation when ordered by a
loved one in a bad mood to "Talk to me!"
Finding a comprehensible written explanation of what "Error type 11"
means
Remembering to get paper towels
Remembering which one is Peter and which one is Paul
Vividly remembering a fantastic dream, having a wild sexual adventure or
hearing some earth-shattering bad news immediately after it happened and yet
refraining from telling anyone about it
The Men's Not-thinking-about-sex Marathon
The Women's Not-thinking-about-their-personal-appearance Marathon
The CD Triathlon:
Event 1: The 50 wrap dash. Each contestant opens 50 brand new shrink-wrapped CDs.
The first to finish without having recourse to any tools or profanity wins.
Event 2: The
insert removal-replacement 4-minute time trial. Each contestant is given a standard CD with a
thick, multi-page brochure stuffed under those little rounded tabs on the
inside of the clear plastic cover. The winner is the one who can remove and
replace the brochure the greatest number of times within four minutes without
creasing, tearing or in any other way damaging the paper.
Event 3: The
everyday use elimination trial. All entrants are given one standard CD. In unison, at the pace of one
action per second, they open the case, remove the CD, replace the CD, reclose
the case and repeat. Contestants are eliminated when they inadvertently snap
off either of the two tabs that form the hinge or break any of those little
flexible "fingers" that hold the disc in place. The last one to
remain wins.
Entrants' registration begins on January 25th at Olympic Village, Sydney, and
the Games will run through February 6th, 2001. The Opening Ceremony will take
place on January 27th, featuring the traditional lighting of the gas water
heater pilot light. A former NVSO champion will ignite the flame by lighting a
blue-tip kitchen match under his thumbnail without burning himself. Or at least
pretending not to have burned himself.
Politics:
Democrat Found
Who Thinks Hand Recounts Are Inaccurate
A nationwide search to find a single registered
Democrat who believes that the hand recounting of votes is an inaccurate,
unreliable process has finally proved fruitful. Mr. Hugh Jim Broglio of New
Johannesburg, Ohio, told reporters that he voted for Vice President Al Gore and
would very much have liked to see him win but nonetheless he insists that no
recounts should ever have been undertaken. Broglio, who has voted for every
Democratic presidential candidate since Hubert Humphrey in 1968, has maintained
since last November 10th that Gore should be a man and concede the election.
When informed that Gore had actually won the nationwide popular vote by nearly
300,000 ballots, he commented, "Oh really? Gosh, I didn't know that. But
you know, that doesn't really matter. It's the electoral college that
counts." Asked if he agreed with the actions of his own political party in
the confusing aftermath of the contested election, he said, "It looked to
me like the Democrats just wanted to keep counting until they liked the
result."
Republican Found
Who Thinks That Every Vote Should Have Been Counted
A 50-state hunt for a single registered
Republican who thinks that an outcome as close as that in Florida's
presidential election should have been carefully recounted has finally paid
off. Ms. Ann Dawn Sachs of Yerba Zongas, Arizona, told reporters that she
thought the initial election results were inconclusive and needed to be
accurately recounted. And that means recounted by hand, one by one. Sachs, who
voted for George W. Bush, his father and every single Republican candidate
since Nixon in 1960, went on to say, "If Al Gore were a real man he
wouldn't have given in to the legal maneuvering and bullying of an opponent
whose slim lead narrowed every time more votes were counted. After all, Gore
did win the popular vote." Asked if she agreed with the actions of her own
political party in the muddled wake of the disputed election, she said,
"It looked to me like the Republicans wanted to stop counting as soon as
they liked the result."
Science News:
A team of medical researchers at Johns Hopkins
Universities Hospitals in Baltimores, Marylands has announced the discovery of
what seems to be the only two cases ever detected of human beings who have no
knee-jerk reflex reaction whatsoever. The two people in question were
volunteers in a nationwide medical monitoring study. In the course of routine
physical examinations they were both found to have no reaction at all to the
standard reflex test in which the patient is struck with a small rubber mallet
right below the kneecap. The two subjects, identified only as H.J.B., a man
from a Midwestern city, and A.D.S., a woman from the Southwest, are not
related.
Due to the highly unusual nature of
their neurophysical makeup, the two were also given a psychological profile
test. Here again, the researchers were astonished at the findings. Among other
things, it was revealed that:
A.D.S., who is a staunch Republican, feels that whatever Bill Clinton does or
ever did behind closed doors -- any closed doors -- is his own business as long as
it isn't actually illegal.
In spite of being white, H.J.B. thinks that O.J. Simpson was probably innocent.
Her Cuban ethnic background notwithstanding, A.D.S. believes that the U.S.
Justice Department acted correctly in forcibly seizing Elian Gonzalez and
reuniting him with his father.
H.J.B., who is openly gay, insists that he has never liked the pop group
Village People. Furthermore, he was born and raised in Toronto, but still
maintains that the songs of Gordon Lightfoot and Anne Murray are "for
weenies".
A.D.S., who is Jewish, feels that Israel tends to use "excessive
force" against adolescent Palestinian rock-throwers.
In keeping with standard procedures
in this type of rigorous, scientifically-controlled test, it was then
determined that both subjects were willing to repeat their assertions after
being subjected to a series of severe electrical shocks and getting
sucker-punched with a sockful of raw oysters. The results thus having proven conclusive,
the Johns Hopkins researchers announced their discovery to the scientific
community. A spokesman for the team said, "Unless we hear otherwise from
the Voyager I space probe, we are confident that these are the only two
reflexless people in the entire universe."
Special paid political announcement:
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($10,000 minimum, cashier's
checks only). |
©2000
by David Jaggard