David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

Issue number 34     January 30, 2001

 

Wet humor on the Web since 2001

Quorum of One is intended for adult readers    


 

This issue:

Mailbag

 
 
 

Dear Sirs:

        You know all those stories you see about people who get trapped in burning buildings, buried under avalanches or kidnapped in trunks of cars and then they call 911 on their cell phones and get themselves rescued? Well guess what? They don't really need help!  They're just trying to show off what big-time bigshots they are because they have a cell phone! Why don't these people just grow up and die like everybody else?
 

Sheesh,
Karen Mudge
Kipupski, New York

 
 

To the Editors:

        It's been three weeks now since Jennifer and I broke up and I have to say I'm taking it really well. No, really, I'm fine. I hardly ever think about her at all any more.
         There is this one little thing, though: today I called her up just to say "Happy Birthday" since her birthday is only two months away, and this guy I never even heard of answered. Jason something or other. Turned out Jennifer was at the supermarket so I couldn't talk to her anyway, but he said he'd take a message, so I told him why I was calling and he said he'd tell her, with this sort of smirk in his voice, and then before hanging up I told him, "Hey, you might want to know that Jennifer has a real snit-fit if she's trying to butter toast and the butter is hard." And he said, all cool like, "I'll be keeping that in mind." YOU SEE? YOU SEE? YOU SEE?
Not, "I'll keep that in mind," but "I'll be keeping that in mind!" He's thinking of the loooooooong-term future! It's like they're engaged already! And it's only been three weeks!
        So what's the deal? Was she seeing this guy already behind my back before we broke up? All right, so for how long? And what kind of lies did she tell to keep it a secret? Come to that, if she'd lie to me about this one thing, what else
did she lie about?  I ask you: can I believe anything she ever said about anything? Seriously! What if, like, it turns out her real name is Nina?
       Or something.
       I dunno
 

Sigh,
Jack Andy Beane
Wood, NY

 

Dear Sirs,

        If you have a single shred of common human decency, you'll help us by publishing the following public service announcement:
 

What do you suppose is the biggest killer of cockroaches in this country? Insecticides? Mechanical compression under shoes, hammers, hands, bricks, buttocks, teeth, etc.? The hotel/motel industry? Well, if you thought one of those you're dead wrong: more cockroaches die of malnutrition than all of those other causes combined!
 
So how can you ensure that the cockroaches in your apartment are getting a balanced diet?
 
First of all, always keep in mind that our little six-legged friends prefer, and in fact insist on, food that doesn't exist in nature but requires human intervention. Funny, isnt it? Well, that's just one of the hundreds of things that make those lil' scurriers such exciting household companions!
 
So be sure to leave a little something in the kitchen sink or on the floor from each of the five basic roach food groups every day:
 

 
If everyone would follow these simple instructions we could wipe out the scourge of malnutrition among cockroaches within our lifetime!

 
Please help us spread the word.
 

Signed,
Grants for Ants, Gnats, Mosquitoes, Etc.
A non-profit organization

 

Dear Sirs,

        Wait a minute. I just thought of something:
        If Jennifer, or Nina, or whatever her name really is, could lie through her teeth like that about this Jason guy, I'll just bet that she was lying when we were dividing up our stuff before she moved out and I asked her where my Heidelberg University beer stein was and she said she broke it while cleaning a couple of weeks earlier and forgot to tell me. She had probably decided to steal it and had already given it to that Jason guy for safekeeping until she could make a clean getaway.
        She always liked that beer stein. Used it as a coffee mug. They're worth a lot of money, you know.
        So how about it? Can't I sue or have her arrested for something like this?
 

I mean really,
J.A. Beane
Bridge, MA

 
 

Dear People,

        I'm like, let's get out of here.  Note that it would not be accurate to say that I am let's get out of here.  Im only like let's get out of here.  I only resemble let's get out of here in certain ways.  You could say that I'm similar to let's get out of here or that we share a few key characteristics, but that's about as far as it goes.
        I used to be like, let's stay for a while and see if anything happens.  But everyone changes as they get older, and slowly but surely I started bearing more and more of a semblance to let's get out of here, until everyone who knew me well realized that I was, indeed, like
let's get out of here.
        My goal in life now is to be I'm home.  I can feel myself getting closer and closer to a state where I will have enough points in common with I'm home to be able to declare, without fear of contradiction, that I'm like I'm home.  But I haven't progressed that far yet.  Ultimately, I hope that my similarity to I'm home will grow and grow to the point where I can truthfully say that I'm home and I are as one, that I am the genuine mirror image of I'm home -- that I have truly become
I'm home.  I won't be merely like I'm home, I will be I'm home.  I'll be all I'm home. Then, and only then, will I be able to say: I'm I'm home. 
        Until then, I'm like, Hurry up!
 

Signed,
Adele Essence
Oak Rapp, TN

 
 

Dear Sirs,

        I got another question here.
        So say I file a complaint and get Jennifer arrested. Do you know if they'd let me watch the interrogation through one of those two-way mirrors? That'd be so great. Let 'em pull one of those "Good Cop - Bad Cop" routines on her and watch her squirm. See how well she can lie her way out of that
one.
        I'd just love
it.
 

Whaddaya think?
Jack
Ton, CA

 

Dear Editors,

        I'm sorry to have to bother you about this, but I'm afraid you might be getting some letters from my ex-boyfriend spouting off a bunch of wild accusations about what a sneak and a low-down dirty liar he thinks I am. He apparently got it into his head that I was seeing my present boyfriend behind his back before we broke up. If you can believe that. It wouldn't surprise me if he starts accusing me of grand larceny next.
        So if he does write you with some cockamamie story about how everything is my fault and how dishonest I am and so forth, please just ignore him.
        He can be so
immature.
 

Signed,
Nina P. St. Maria
Holm, Sweden
 

P.S. Thanks for publishing my question in last week's Handy Homemaker column about how to get coffee stains out of a beer stein, but the baking soda didn't work. Got any other ideas? I really need to know soon 'cause I want to give it to my boyfriend for our six-month anniversary next week.
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

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2001 by David Jaggard