Issue number 39 January 4, 2002
Quorum of One is intended for adult readers
an on-line warning system for the benefit of readers who happen to be my mother
WARNING! This article has been found to contain the following:
If you are easily shocked or my eight-year-old niece, get out of here.
Otherwise, read on . . .
The Staff Report
Organizers of the United States' first National Women's Strip Day, held last December 14th, have called the operation "a huge success". Throughout the country, participation by women over the age of 18 was "nearly 100%," reports Wanda Stickley of the Intercommunity National Youth Organization for Understanding, Relating to, Dealing with, Reciprocating and Encouraging the Average Man's Sexuality, which sponsored the event. "Exactly as planned, right at 12 o'clock noon Eastern Time, women all across the country peeled off every stitch of clothing they had on and spent the next hour doing whatever they would normally do, only naked as the day they were born. This proves what we knew was true all along: in spite of what they might say, all women really like to be naked and will shuck their clothing at the drop of a hat, solely for the pleasure of showing off their bodies to whatever men happen to be in the vicinity." "The more they ogle us the better," added one enthusiastic participant, a junior high biology teacher.
This Publication has received thousands of professional-quality color photographs documenting the event but has decided not to run any because of course there was no way anyone could possibly have missed it. We are certain that every man in the country has now gotten a double eyeful of enough beautiful women in the buff to last him for a long, long time. As Stickley put it, "Any straight guy who missed out on this would have to be a complete moron."
Five-year Study Provides Intriguing Insights Into Female Sexuality
A research team conducting a five-year study on the sexual behavior of American women has published a paper in the latest issue of The Dead Serious, Thoroughly Professional but Titillating as Possible Journal of Sexology entitled "American Women and Sex: Gleaghhhhh". The results show that the vast majority of American women are:
- Sexually hyperactive, and
- Not too particular about their partners.
Fully 97% of the women interviewees between the ages of 18 and 80 reported having 14 to 25 sexual experiences in an average week. Only about 12% limit themselves to a single partner, the remaining 85% admitting to having casual, no-strings-attached sex with as many as four different men a day. The findings on women's criteria for choosing their partners were especially telling: 76% claimed that "looks don't matter at all" and 68% indicated that "charm, intelligence, money, manners and the ability to carry on an interesting conversation" also rank low on their list of priorities. One respondent seemed to sum it up for women everywhere when she commented, "The main thing is if a guy stares at my breasts a lot. That's such a turn-on."
Furthermore, the report reveals that, contrary to popular belief, in most cases it's the woman who takes the initiative. 79% of the respondents reported that they have contacted at least ten men within the past week, in many cases by accosting strangers in public or dialing telephone numbers at random, and insisted on having sex with them. Dr. Rodney Mastman, director of the study, commented, "With figures like these, it's obvious that any guy who has masturbated even once in the past five years would have to be a total imbecile."
The Worldwide Organization Of Owners Of Operations Offering On-Premises Sex has released its annual report for 2001. Once again last year, the number of sex clubs in the US and the number of people frequenting them rose by more than 100%. Organization President Frank Linkman noted, "There are more than twice as many on-premises sex clubs in the country now as there were one year ago. Also, the number of young, attractive women spending all of their spare time in sex clubs has tripled again in twelve months. We estimate that virtually every American woman over the age of 18 now goes to one of our clubs for casual sex at least four times a week. Competition has become so keen that most of our members have slashed their entrance fees to just a couple of dollars, and many of them offer free admission to any guy who just sort of looks like he needs to get laid. Some of our managers are out there on the sidewalk half the day begging any guy who happens by to come in and tear one off."
The association estimates that it now has a member club on every corner of every city, town and village in the country. Of course, to comply with local zoning and advertising regulations most of them are disguised as video rental stores, fast-food outlets, auto dealerships, etc. For a complete list of all the sex clubs in your area, click here.
Please take a moment to fill out our Readers Survey. All of the questions were carefully researched by a panel of experts in order to reflect the most likely possible profiles of heterosexual men aged 18 to 80 living in the United States today. Our researchers inform us that there could possibly be a handful of isolated exceptions -- men who do not fit any of the available responses to certain questions -- but these cases would be so remarkably rare there is no point wasting space in the questionnaire to allow for such irredeemable losers.
Please indicate your age group (check one):
_ 70 or older
Please indicate the average age of your sex partners:
_ 24-24 1/2
How many times do you have sex in an average week?
_ 20-30 times
_ 31-40 times
_ 41-50 times
_ More than 50 times
Of the women you have had sex with in the past month, what percentage were fashion models?
_ More than 80%
What percentage were world-famous fashion models?
_ More than 80%
What percentage were Claudia Schiffer?
_ More than 80%
Have you ever lost your voice due to the strain of endlessly repeating "No thanks -- maybe some other time..." day in and day out?
Please complete the following sentence: "Immediately after completing this questionnaire, I am going to..."
_ Have sex
_ Have more sex
_ Have sex with Claudia Schiffer for like the fiftieth time this week
Which hand do you use to cut your fingernails?
_ A sec!
_ A minute!
That question didn't:
_ Make any sense!
_ Have anything to do with sex!
Which do you find more embarrassing: running into someone you know at the supermarket and having them see what's in your cart or running into someone you know at the laundromat and having them see your dirty laundry?
_ The shopping cart
_ The laundry
_ Definitely the laundry -- even clean
Would you please:
_ Cut the crap!
_ Just let me finish this questionnaire so I can go have sex again!
What gender are your parents? (essay question)
_ Cut it out!
_ Stop it already!
If you're standing on the sidewalk in front of the Empire State Building and someone happens to throw a penny off the observation deck on the top floor, can they deduct it from their income taxes?
_ Gee, I never thought about it...
_ Gee, I thought about it but I don't know...
All right -- that does it! I'm:
_ Out of here, chump!
_ Giving up -- go finish your own "Readers Survey", jerkoff!
_ Skipping to the next article!
The World Association of Net Keepers and Experts in Registering Statistics has announced that pornography on the World Wide Web has all but disappeared. "The reason, of course," says Association spokesman P. Niles Timuliss, "is that since the government announced that it had found a cheap and universal vaccine for all venereal diseases and started putting it into the water supply (could there be anyone left who doesn't know about that?) there's been this new sexual revolution going on and most guys are getting so much action they're no longer interested in porn. In fact, I would say that anyone who still looks at cheesecake photography must be some kind of dirt-class, no-life sputum-brain."
There is one softcore website, however, that still attracts a large traffic flow, namely the famous so-called "X-Ray Specs" site. When it opened three years ago with the announced intention of publishing free-of-charge nude photos of every woman in the United States over the age of 18, many skeptics thought that the project would never reach fruition. But the founders have proven them wrong. Webmaster Pola Wiener reports that the stated goal was achieved last July. "We did it!" she informed This Publication. "We now have at least one high-resolution explicit color photo of every last adult woman in the country. We think of it as a public service, so heterosexual men will no longer have to waste time fantasizing about what their classmates, co-workers or friends' wives might look like with no clothes on. The answer is right here on the site." The address of the website is so well-known by now there is no need to repeat it here. As Wiener puts it, "Any straight guy who hasn't already bookmarked this site must be one sorry sonofabastard."
The government-funded National Ongoing Project for Universal Sexual Satisfaction for You has announced that it is "making progress" in its efforts to locate the one single remaining man in the US who is apparently unaware of how easy it is to attain sexual satiation. The group was set up in 2000 to take advantage of a newly-developed, highly sophisticated statistics-based analysis technique that makes it possible to extrapolate reliable information on the social and sexual behavior of every resident of the United States over the age of 18. The initial findings were somewhat surprising: they showed that there was exactly one, and only one, man in the entire country who was not getting his ashes hauled at least three times a day. "This is obviously someone who is unaware of the eradication of all venereal diseases and the free-of-charge distribution of safe, effective birth control which have given rise to today's open, permissive attitudes about sex," reports researcher Jules Orbson. "And of course all of our information is based on anonymous monitoring, so we couldn't just call the guy up and fill him in. We've been trying to locate the poor schmuck for months but so far no luck."
The man in question is estimated by Orbson to be "not particularly good-looking, but not particularly ugly either," and to have "an average income, good steady job, regular lifestyle, probably lives in a moderate-sized town or city -- just a normal guy, you know?" Project chairman Eric Tanreddy added, "We've nicknamed him the 'Last Horny Man'. We really want to find this guy so we can help him out. Poor schlub must be climbing the walls by now for lack of sex." If readers of This Publication have any tips or leads that might help in the identification of this unfortunate, clueless sap, they are heartily entreated to help him find relief at last by contacting Orbson or Tanreddy at:
(Editor's note: David just got a phone call from Claudia Schiffer and had to duck out for a few minutes. Also, it's time for me to go knock a couple of balls around with Anna Kournikova and her twin sister again, so we'll have that information for you in the next issue. If we remember.)
¨©2002 by David Jaggard