David Jaggard's

 

Quorum of One

 

Issue number 40     January 31, 2002

 

New Feature:
- QOO LISTS -

Wet humor on the Web since 2002

 

Quorum of One is intended for adult readers


 

It's still here!

 

 

an on-line warning system for the benefit of readers who happen to be my mother

 

WARNING! This article has been found to contain the following:

 
 

Bad words:  
X Blasphemy
X Anatomy
X Digestion
X Alleged acronym

Substance abuse:  
X Legal
_ Controlled
_ Moderate
X Excessive 

Naked consenting adults:  
X Vertical
X Horizontal
X Kinetic

 

If you are easily shocked or my eight-year-old niece, get out of here.

Otherwise, read on . . .



 
This issue:

American Tour

Fifty filthy limericks,
 one for each state in the union

plus Washington D.C. (and there's one for Larry, who loves limericks)

 

  

A recent ex-virgin from Maine

Found intercourse mostly a pain:

"He just rips off my drawers,

Spews, rolls over and snores,

Leaving me in a rank, sodden stain."

 

A careless shop prof in New Hampshire

Got his 2-by-6 caught in a clamp. Sure

Enough, it got dented,

Which his missus lamented

'Cause now he just fingers and champs her.

 

The Tantric adept from Vermont

To show his adroitness is wont

To hold it all back

Till his balls turn blue-black

And then spew spouts of sperm like a font.

 

There's a place in Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Where the women have not one but two sets

Of boobs, but no cracks

To accomp'ny those racks,

So the men have perpetual blue sets.


The charming young man from Rhode Island

Had an uncanny knack to beguile and

Seduce lovely women,

And leave their heads swimmin'

When he'd hump 'em and head for the highland.

 

The coarse, boorish lout from Connecticut

Was hopeless in hygiene and etiquette.

His comportment was crass,

His B.O. could cut glass,

And his breath smelled like something a yeti cut.

 

A fresh-faced young frosh from New York

Still thought babies were brought by the stork.

A soph set him straight

And he went on a date

With "protection": a very small cork.

 

One lady from east Pennsylvania

Had a rather unorthodox mania:

She'd shave her dates' heads,

Strap them tight to their beds

And then masturbate on their bald crania.

 

A low-life from Summit, New Jersey

Had a thing about women in furs. He

Would sneak up behind,

Pull his putz out and grind

Till he'd cream in a stream like the Mersey.

 

Young Carol's main pastime in Maryland

Was stripping off all her apparel and,

'Twixt her tits or her thighs

Jerking off local guys,

Who referred to it as "getting Carolyned".

 

A rather strange dude down in Delaware

Liked to have someone stick an umbrella where

You and I couldn't stand it --

He'd just howl and demand it

Right up his... Oh, surely you're well aware.

 

Said the swell to the belle from Virginia,

"After all that I've done now to win ya!

Dinners, movies and plays

And it's always me pays --

Tell me: what does it take to get in ya?!"

 

A buxom young lass from West Va.

Was modeling her newly-bought bra.

When asked if he might

Find the fit a bit tight,

Her boyfriend just smiled and said, "Naaah."

 

He suffered, in North Carolina,

From "Royalist's Syndrome": in fine, a

Compulsion to kneel,

When his girlfriend would peel

Off her knickers, and shout, "Hail Regina!"

 

A sous chef from South Carolina

Hooked the MixMaster to her vagina.

She would prep and deglaze

In an orgasmic haze

And her moaning would rattle the china.

 

A strapping young man down in Georgia

Had no inkling of how he should forge a

Romantic relation.

His idea of flirtation

Was to unzip and yell "Comin' towardja!"

 

"So how was spring break down in Florida?"

"To tell you the truth, it was horrid. A

Nice guy bought me booze

Till I puked on his shoes...

I was hoping for something more torrid." "Duh!"

 

For a hot time in warm Alabama,

On a Saturday night Nate would cram a

Small mike up his bum

And then sing, fart and hum

Delta blues to amuse his ol' gramma. 

 

When the salesman from fair Mississippi

Came back home from a very long trip, he

(Rememb'ring the whores,

the discharges, the sores...)

Said, "Oh, darling? Now please don't get snippy..."

 

A choir girl from Louisiana

Was AKA "Holy Ghost Hanna".

She'd devoutly say grace,

And then sit on your face

While intoning a lusty "Hosanna!"

 

A tourist in Little Rock, Arkansas

Went strolling in Riverfront Park and saw

A thin girl with one tooth

Getting rimmed by a youth,

Who informed him, "We call it 'Ozarkin'! Chaw?"

 

At an orgy in old Tennessee

Eric paused 'cause he had to go pee.

When he finished his whizz, he

Found all the cunts busy,

And had to make do with Claire's knee.

 

One earnest young man from Kentucky

Would do anything for a fuck. He

Had paid to see mimes,

Read The Bell Jar three times,

And had even sat through Mr. Lucky.

 

And then there's that oaf from Ohio,

Whose pubic hair covered his thigh. O-

vergrown, dank and fungal,

It stank like the jungle

And harbored more crabs than the bayou.

 

She day-traded stocks, Indiana

Was her address, and at night a banana

Lessened her stress. When she struck it

Rich she said, "Fuck it --

Tonight I live large: a Havana!"

 

An adulterous woman from Michigan

Was told by her lover, "Oh Trish! Again,

I remind you to douche

Lest your spouse find it louche 

When you come home from 'bowling' and squish again."

 

A brash broad from Chi, Illinois,

Had the moniker "Helen of Troy".

For with tongue, lip and gum

She'd launched gallons of come,

Though her face wouldn't float a small buoy.

 

The well-endowed man from Wisconsin

Was unreasonably proud of his johnson.

He saw every locale --

House, street, car, bar or gal --

As a venue to show off his schwantz in.

 

In the marshlands of north Minnesota

Lives a naturalist with a quota:

If he ain't dipped his member

Twelve times by December

He recoups with the local biota.

 

A basketball player from Iowa

Bragged he'd made twenty thousand girls sigh. Oh, a

Small detail: his dong

Was not three inches long.

(Just forgot to put that in his bio, huh?)

 

The would-be Don Juan from Missouri

Guzzled gin till the whole world looked blurry.

When he hit on Miss Frost,

He saw two cry, "Get lost!"

But the third murmured, "You're hot -- let's hurry!"

 

A sculptress from crisp North Dakota

Thought that all of her actions were nota-
ble. Guys she had boffed

Were lured up to her loft,

Where she'd sign, date and number their scrota.

 

As a kid in remote South Dakota,

He was caught in a clinch with a goat. A

Friend asked him, "Say, Ben,

Have you changed much since then?"

He replied, "Neaaaaaaagh -- not one iota."

 

A nature-freak guy in Nebraska

Found al fresco sex too much to ask: "A

Mown field is too rough,

Wheat chaff clogs up her muff,

And the cowshit! I'm off to Alaska!"

 

Two mischievous stock boys in Kansas

Liked to rub the fresh fruits with their glanses.

One explained, "It's good kicks,

Peach fuzz tickles our wicks,

And the air from the cooler vent fans us."

 

He claimed to have fled Oklahoma

To escape the foul oil fields' aroma.

But the natural gas

That escaped from his ass

Had put many stout men in a coma.

 

The self-styled seducer from Texas

Thought he'd score more hot babes with a Lexus.

All he got was a slap,

Plus a fierce dose of clap

And two painful swift kicks to the plexus.

 

A slightly deaf dyke in New Mexico

Preferred Russians and Slavics for sex. A co-

worker asked if she'd ever

Eaten chicken Kiev. Her

Reply was, "Yeah, 'bout seven Czechs ago."


She chose "Frat Night" at U. Arizona

To unveil her new daring persona.

She awoke overhung,

With each orifice rung

By a strange, whitish, crusty corona.

 

The wrestler from cool Colorado

Swaggered 'round like some tough desperado.

But he ended up beat

With his trunks 'round his feet,

Up his ass: un unripe avocado.

 

A Sunday school pupil in Utah

Liked to play with himself in his pew. Ta-

bernacular rite

was profaned when he'd cite:

". . . Leviticus, Numbers, then Deut--AAAHHHHHH!"

 

The cowgirl from rural Wyoming

Couldn't stand her man's amorous roaming.

So she pruned his prick, dipped it

In formol and shipped it

To Laramie Trophies for chroming.

 

That nice Jewish boy from Montana

Says that pussy is sort of like manna:

"It feels like from heaven,

Tastes fine without leaven,

And transports me straight to Nirvana."

 

An ultra-right-winger from Idaho

Went out looking for trouble and spied a ho-

mosexual pub,

Went in wielding a club,

And came out, walking funny, astride a hoe.

 

A hormone-crazed lad from Nevada

Dreamed of one thing: the whole enchilada.

Said he, "Hand jobs and wanks

At least void my sperm banks,

But compared to a shag they're just nada."

 

No dick for that chick up in Wash-

ington -- she prefers sex with a squash:

"It's stiff 'round the clock,

There's no chance of it knock-

ing me up, and there's no messy slosh."

 

The insatiable cocksman from Oregon

Had stayed up to fuck until four again.

As he salved his raw dick,

His spent spouse called in sick

And complained, "Bruised my butt on the floor again."

 

To her new beau from bright California,

The blonde said, "I guess I should warn ya --

I'm unfaithful, on drugs,

I enjoy taunting thugs,

And when I find a rich guy I'll scorn ya."

 

An outdoorsy young lass in Alaska

Found that sex in the wild was a task: "A

North wind chills my tush,

Snowdrifts form on my bush,

And the moose turds! I'm off to Nebraska!"

 

The thrill-seeking sport from Hawaii

Sought more dangerous exploits to try. He

Nude-bungeed the falls

And the cord caught his balls.

His last words were: "Ready! Set! Aaiiieeeeee!!!!"

 

A senator new to D.C.

Asked an intern to dinner Chez Guy:

"We'll savor moules crus,

Hardy saucisse au jus,

And wind up with some nice, runny brie."

 

 

 

 

 

 

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¨©2002 by David Jaggard