Issue
number 42 May 11, 2002
Quorum of One is intended for adult
readers
This
issue:
Arts and
Entertainment News
Oasis Victim of Hostile
Takeover
In a so-called "hostile
takeover", the aging-but-still-touring American pop group the Beach Boys has
purchased a controlling share in the bickering-but-still-touring British pop
group Oasis. As one of the lawyers who worked on the deal explained, "Many
people say that bands today are a lot like corporations. Well, that's not
exactly true -- they ARE corporations. And just like any other type of
corporation they're susceptible to takeovers, hostile or otherwise. What we
have here is a perfectly simple, legal maneuver by one pop group to take over
the trade name, image, goodwill, and of course profit potential of another
group."
Indeed, the Beach Boys now own the
rights to the name "Oasis", all of the group's existing recordings
and clips, its contracts for future CDs, videos and performances, its website, its
instruments and road crew, any licensing deals and its fan base. The upcoming
Oasis tour will go ahead as scheduled, only with the superannuated Californians
on stage doing their own repertoire instead of that of the Brit-pop quintet
founded by the now jobless brothers Noel and Liam Gallagher. As part of the
deal, Beach Boys Al Jardine and Mike Love, the only two members of the original
group who still perform in public, have formally agreed to "give the Oasis
fans what they want" by having "at least one nasty, petty, senseless
bitchfight per week" that "threatens to force the cancellation of the
rest of the concert dates."
Meanwhile, the Gallaghers and the other
former band/board members of Oasis are on the lookout for a group to take over
themselves. Cash-strapped after paying hefty legal fees in an unsuccessful
attempt to ward off the Beach Boys' bid, they are now said, in the words of
their lawyer, to be "limited to a choice between the Cowsills, the Lynyrd
Skynyrd ghost band or the Archies."
Auction Nets $6.82 Million
for Bankrupt Singer
After being dumped by her former record
label EMI in late January, sex symbol/singer Mariah Carey has fallen upon hard
times. Finding herself with debts of $12.6 million and assets estimated at $7
million, on February 29 the sex symbol/pop icon filed for bankruptcy protection
in a federal court in Los Angeles. Unable to reach any agreement with her
creditors, she ultimately found herself in the embarrassing position of having
to auction off her available assets. Since Carey's professional identity, like
that of all contemporary pop culture figures, is a legally registered
corporation, only those holdings which relate directly to her gainful
activities as a sex symbol/entertainer were auctioned. She was allowed to retain
possession of her 50-room Malibu beach cabana with a star-shaped pool,
penthouse apartment in the Trump Casino in Atlantic City, white lacquered
furniture, pink and gold Rolls Royce, seven rainbow-colored SUVs, paisley-dyed
fur coats, artworks, "artworks", sidearms, iron pyrite-plated
statuettes, etc.
The following table shows the funds
generated by each item in the sale, which was held at Carey's agent's office in
Hollywood on March 1st:
|
Auction lot |
Asking price |
Sold for |
|
Lot
1: Left breast |
$2,000,000 |
$3,285,000 |
|
Lot
2: Right breast |
$1,900,000 |
$2,790,000 |
|
Lot
3: "Makin'
Trax" professional recording system with 256-track mixing table and 64
directional microphones |
$100,000 |
$120,000 |
|
Lot
4: "Wailin'
Walls" modulable four-cabin soundproof recording studio |
$60,000 |
$60,500 |
|
Lot
5:
"Hekavaneko" reverb unit |
$15,000 |
$12,550 |
|
Lot
6:
"Vox-Detox" digital voice quality enhancement software package |
$10,000 |
$8,410 |
|
Lot
7:
"Kara-OK-DoK" digital intonation correction unit |
$5,000 |
$4,325 |
|
Lot
8: "Thick
'Em Up MF" vocal tone enrichment unit |
$2,500 |
$1,200 |
|
Lot
9: Miscellaneous
recording optimization equipment ("ChoirLiar" chorus effect
generator, "Hi'n'Mity" treble booster, "Slay Ya Later"
digital delay, "Hi-Lo View" fourteen-band equalizer, etc., etc.) |
$1,500 |
$810 |
|
Lot
10: Voice |
$1,750,000 |
$19.99 |
In anticipation of this unfortunate turn
of affairs, Carey had already learned the international sign language for the
speech-impaired and purchased a drawerful of smaller brassieres. Asked what she
would put in them now that her most bankable resources have been sold to
private collectors, the newly voiceless Carey signed, "Cher has a spare
set in storage that I can probably borrow for a while."
Pop Divas' Merger
Rocks Business World
In a surprise move, superstar pop idols
Madonna and Tina Turner have signed a deal to merge their respective
entourages. The resulting conglomeration of personnel, registered under the
trade name "Ciccone-Turner Megaposse", is now the largest
non-manufacturing peacetime enterprise in the history of the world. Consisting
of literally tens of thousands of friends, family members, band members, backup
vocalists, dancers, stage managers, roadies, lighting technicians, wardrobe
mistresses, hairdressers, makeup artists, manicurists, vocal coaches, personal
trainers, personal assistants, personal assistants' assistants, secretaries,
lawyers, accountants, drivers, bodyguards, nurses, masseurs, babysitters,
astrologers, aromatherapists, housekeepers, groundskeepers, cat feeders, dog
walkers, bird watchers, plant waterers, snake handlers, dieticians, cooks,
scullery maids, food tasters, dog food tasters, candle snuffers, clock winders,
litter bearers, whipping boys, footmen, wing-men, yes-men, no-men, no-way-men,
no-way-Fay-Raye-men, don't-ask-me-man-men, gofers, gomers, goners,
camp-followers, hangers-on, also-rans and people whose sole accomplishment in
life is having once gotten themselves thanked by first name only in lower-case
6-point type in the liner notes of a CD, the CTMp now employs more people than
MacDonald's, AOL Time-Warner and the United States Army combined. In addition,
the entire group, as befits an "entourage", is contractually
obligated to go wherever its two bosses go, for any purpose whatsoever. Thus, a
simple shopping spree or weekend trip to the country takes more preparation and
logistical planning than putting the QEII into drydock. A study by Fortune
Magazine revealed that Miss Turner's recent trip to Anaheim to attend a
friend's wedding generated more gross turnover and man-hours of work than the
Normandy Invasion, the building of the Great Wall of China or the Second
Crusade.
In an even more surprising development,
it has been revealed that the original negotiations were in fact for a four-way
merger which would also have included the entourages of both Michael Jackson
and the Artist Formerly Known as AFKAP, but the deal was squelched by the
Justice Department. Deputy attorney general William O'Rights, who made the
final decision, has released the following statement outlining the reasons for
his ruling:
"Number one, it would violate the
nation's anti-trust laws by putting 98% of the known sycophants on the payroll
of a single employer. Number two, any time any of the four chairpersons of the
proposed corporation went anywhere besides the bathroom, the resulting mass
migratory movement would throw the Earth out of orbit. And number three, I just
love the word
'squelch'."
Talent Scout Announces Road
Show Lineup
Each summer the well-known record
producer and talent scout Sonny Rucklehose organizes the "SRO'd
Show", a nationwide tour of emerging singers and bands he has discovered.
Rucklehose, who launched the careers of pop singers Bryan Adams and Ryan Adams,
has announced the names of the young artists who will take part in this year's
tour. The lineup will include the folk-rock songwriter Ian Adams, R&B
singer Ann Adams, blues guitarist Nathan Adams, who goes by the stage name
"N Adams", and a rapper known simply as Adams. The quadruple bill
will appear at hydroelectric facilities around the country from June 15th
through July 20th, then at the American Motor Sports annual stock car
championship in Daytona Beach, Florida, on July 28th. The tour will wind up
with a benefit concert for victims of Multiple Sclerosis on August 1st. When asked
if she could sum up her feelings about being selected for "SRO'd" in
just one letter, Miss Adams hissed...
Editor: I
do hope this is going to end soon.
Me: Have
you been following me?
Editor: Mercifully, no. I thought you said you had an inside scoop on some
rock star story or something. Why don't we just skip to that?
Me: Oh,
all right -- here goes:
New Light Shed on Hendrix
Death
New information has emerged concerning
the circumstances surrounding the untimely death of rock legend Jimi Hendrix on
September 18, 1970. The 27-year-old guitarist and singer, who was staying at
the time in the London flat of a German girlfriend, Monika Dannemann, died in
his sleep from choking on his own vomit. It has been widely reported that
Hendrix had taken a lethal combination of barbiturates and alcohol before going
to bed. However, This Publication has received a pirated tape recording of a
secret interview given by Dannemann in early 1971 in which she maintains that
in fact Hendrix had not consumed any drugs at all that night. "Jimi was
tired of getting high all the time," she recounts, "and had decided
to stop all drugs and alcohol for a while. On the night of September 17th, he'd
been totally sober for five days. He told me he was exhausted and wanted to go
to bed early. At about midnight he complained that he couldn't sleep because it
was 'too quiet' in my apartment -- you know how he was used to always being in
a rock concert or a loud party -- so I turned on the radio in his room. I
remember it was tuned to BBC4 and they had a Bubble Gum festival on that night.
At about 5:30 am, which is the time the coroner estimates that Jimi died, I
remember waking up in the next room and hearing the end of 'Yummy Yummy Yummy'
by the Ohio Express and then the beginning of 'Seasons in the Sun' by Terry
Jacks. Then I went back to sleep, and when I woke up he seemed to be passed
out. I called an ambulance and the paramedics told me he had died. Gosh, what a
horrible way to go. Although I guess it beats choking on someone else's..."
[tape suddenly ends]
Iran Releases New
Fee Schedule
for Rushdie Fatwa
The Iranian government has
announced a revision of the fatwa (Islamic edict) originally pronounced by the
Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini
in 1989 offering $2.8 million for the murder of British
author Salman Rushdie to avenge perceived slights against Islam in his novel
"The Satanic Verses". Rushdie has been very much alive and well since
the death sentence was handed down, appearing on talk shows, delivering
lectures, competing unsuccessfully in Jack Nicholson look-alike contests, and
generally continuing to lead a fairly normal -- although jumpy -- life. The
fundamentalist parliament of Iran, feeling that further delay in the execution
of its order will constitute an embarrassment, has decided to seek any kind of
retribution at all against the bestselling author and has therefore approved a
new fee schedule offering smaller sums to anyone who is able to maim, wound,
injure, insult, or annoy Rushdie in any way. The updated fatwa offers the
following rewards:
|
Non-fatal
knife or bullet wound |
$1,350,000 |
|
Third-degree
burn |
$120,000 |
|
Second-degree
burn |
$80,000 |
|
First-degree
burn |
$50,000 |
|
First-degree
burn using the "Wanna see a match burn twice?" trick |
$1 |
|
Punch in
the stomach |
$500
|
|
Smack in
the face |
$200 |
|
Kick in
the butt |
$150 |
|
Kick in
the pahlavis |
$500,000 |
|
Paper
cut |
$50 |
|
Paper
cut on the tongue or eyeball |
$10,000 |
|
Convincing
Rushdie to purchase three or more shirts with stiff polyester labels that
will chafe his neck |
$12 |
|
Cutting
in front of him in line at a bank, post office, drive-in movie snack bar,
Deepak Chopra book signing, etc. |
$5 |
|
Sitting behind
him in a movie theater during the showing of a comedy that you have already
seen and loudly giving away every punchline right before it's delivered on
screen |
$70
|
|
Maneuvering
in front of him at a salad bar and sneezing wetly right into the blue cheese
dressing |
$7 |
|
Maneuvering
in front of him at a salad bar and sneezing wetly right into the Ranch
dressing (his favorite) |
$7.50 |
|
Founding
two metal bands, one called "Satanic" and the other
"Sux", purely for the purpose of organizing a "Battle of the
Bands" with posters reading "Satanic vs. Sux" |
$1,500 |
|
Becoming
a music promoter and producing two rap stars, one named "Rush D"
and the other "Tearin' Piston", solely for the purpose of
organizing a duo concert with posters reading "Tearin' Piston Rush
D" |
$2,200 |
Claimants of these rewards are required
to present photographic, video or other incontrovertible documented visual
evidence of the harm done to Rushdie at their hands. Applicants may claim their
rewards at any Iranian embassy anywhere in the world.
As
we go to press:
The Iranian parliament has enacted a
new law calling for the immediate execution by stoning without trial of anyone
who attempts to defile the holiness of a "true son of Islam" (a category
which includes all Iranian officials) by inducing him to gaze upon any man-made
representation of the human face or figure, including drawing, painting,
sculpture, or motion or still photography of any kind. The decision is
reminiscent of a similar decree enforced in Afghanistan by the Taliban, which
led to the destruction of countless works of art including the giant
centuries-old statues of Buddha in Bamiyan. The law is to be enforced in all
Iranian provinces, possessions and territories.
Fun
fact for the day:
Did you know that a country's embassies
are considered to be its own sovereign territory, independent of the laws of
the host country? For example, you could be five thousand miles from home on
the other side of the globe, but as soon as you step into an American embassy
you're right back in the good old USA! Now isn't that heartening?
©2002 by David Jaggard