David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

Issue number 42     May 11, 2002

 

There are some new
- QOO LISTS -

Wet humor on the Web since 2002

 

Quorum of One is intended for adult readers


 
This issue:

Arts and Entertainment News

 

 

Oasis Victim of Hostile Takeover

In a so-called "hostile takeover", the aging-but-still-touring American pop group the Beach Boys has purchased a controlling share in the bickering-but-still-touring British pop group Oasis. As one of the lawyers who worked on the deal explained, "Many people say that bands today are a lot like corporations. Well, that's not exactly true -- they ARE corporations. And just like any other type of corporation they're susceptible to takeovers, hostile or otherwise. What we have here is a perfectly simple, legal maneuver by one pop group to take over the trade name, image, goodwill, and of course profit potential of another group."

Indeed, the Beach Boys now own the rights to the name "Oasis", all of the group's existing recordings and clips, its contracts for future CDs, videos and performances, its website, its instruments and road crew, any licensing deals and its fan base. The upcoming Oasis tour will go ahead as scheduled, only with the superannuated Californians on stage doing their own repertoire instead of that of the Brit-pop quintet founded by the now jobless brothers Noel and Liam Gallagher. As part of the deal, Beach Boys Al Jardine and Mike Love, the only two members of the original group who still perform in public, have formally agreed to "give the Oasis fans what they want" by having "at least one nasty, petty, senseless bitchfight per week" that "threatens to force the cancellation of the rest of the concert dates."

Meanwhile, the Gallaghers and the other former band/board members of Oasis are on the lookout for a group to take over themselves. Cash-strapped after paying hefty legal fees in an unsuccessful attempt to ward off the Beach Boys' bid, they are now said, in the words of their lawyer, to be "limited to a choice between the Cowsills, the Lynyrd Skynyrd ghost band or the Archies."

 

 

Auction Nets $6.82 Million

for Bankrupt Singer

After being dumped by her former record label EMI in late January, sex symbol/singer Mariah Carey has fallen upon hard times. Finding herself with debts of $12.6 million and assets estimated at $7 million, on February 29 the sex symbol/pop icon filed for bankruptcy protection in a federal court in Los Angeles. Unable to reach any agreement with her creditors, she ultimately found herself in the embarrassing position of having to auction off her available assets. Since Carey's professional identity, like that of all contemporary pop culture figures, is a legally registered corporation, only those holdings which relate directly to her gainful activities as a sex symbol/entertainer were auctioned. She was allowed to retain possession of her 50-room Malibu beach cabana with a star-shaped pool, penthouse apartment in the Trump Casino in Atlantic City, white lacquered furniture, pink and gold Rolls Royce, seven rainbow-colored SUVs, paisley-dyed fur coats, artworks, "artworks", sidearms, iron pyrite-plated statuettes, etc.

The following table shows the funds generated by each item in the sale, which was held at Carey's agent's office in Hollywood on March 1st:

 

Auction lot

Asking price

Sold for

Lot 1: Left breast

  $2,000,000

   $3,285,000

Lot 2: Right breast

  $1,900,000

   $2,790,000

Lot 3: "Makin' Trax" professional recording system with 256-track mixing table and 64 directional microphones

     $100,000

      $120,000

Lot 4: "Wailin' Walls" modulable four-cabin soundproof recording studio

       $60,000

       $60,500

Lot 5: "Hekavaneko" reverb unit

       $15,000

       $12,550

Lot 6: "Vox-Detox" digital voice quality enhancement software package

       $10,000

         $8,410

Lot 7: "Kara-OK-DoK" digital intonation correction unit

        $5,000

         $4,325

Lot 8: "Thick 'Em Up MF" vocal tone enrichment unit

        $2,500

         $1,200

Lot 9: Miscellaneous recording optimization equipment ("ChoirLiar" chorus effect generator, "Hi'n'Mity" treble booster, "Slay Ya Later" digital delay, "Hi-Lo View" fourteen-band equalizer, etc., etc.)

        $1,500

            $810

Lot 10: Voice

  $1,750,000

         $19.99

 

In anticipation of this unfortunate turn of affairs, Carey had already learned the international sign language for the speech-impaired and purchased a drawerful of smaller brassieres. Asked what she would put in them now that her most bankable resources have been sold to private collectors, the newly voiceless Carey signed, "Cher has a spare set in storage that I can probably borrow for a while."

 

 

Pop Divas' Merger

Rocks Business World

In a surprise move, superstar pop idols Madonna and Tina Turner have signed a deal to merge their respective entourages. The resulting conglomeration of personnel, registered under the trade name "Ciccone-Turner Megaposse", is now the largest non-manufacturing peacetime enterprise in the history of the world. Consisting of literally tens of thousands of friends, family members, band members, backup vocalists, dancers, stage managers, roadies, lighting technicians, wardrobe mistresses, hairdressers, makeup artists, manicurists, vocal coaches, personal trainers, personal assistants, personal assistants' assistants, secretaries, lawyers, accountants, drivers, bodyguards, nurses, masseurs, babysitters, astrologers, aromatherapists, housekeepers, groundskeepers, cat feeders, dog walkers, bird watchers, plant waterers, snake handlers, dieticians, cooks, scullery maids, food tasters, dog food tasters, candle snuffers, clock winders, litter bearers, whipping boys, footmen, wing-men, yes-men, no-men, no-way-men, no-way-Fay-Raye-men, don't-ask-me-man-men, gofers, gomers, goners, camp-followers, hangers-on, also-rans and people whose sole accomplishment in life is having once gotten themselves thanked by first name only in lower-case 6-point type in the liner notes of a CD, the CTMp now employs more people than MacDonald's, AOL Time-Warner and the United States Army combined. In addition, the entire group, as befits an "entourage", is contractually obligated to go wherever its two bosses go, for any purpose whatsoever. Thus, a simple shopping spree or weekend trip to the country takes more preparation and logistical planning than putting the QEII into drydock. A study by Fortune Magazine revealed that Miss Turner's recent trip to Anaheim to attend a friend's wedding generated more gross turnover and man-hours of work than the Normandy Invasion, the building of the Great Wall of China or the Second Crusade.

In an even more surprising development, it has been revealed that the original negotiations were in fact for a four-way merger which would also have included the entourages of both Michael Jackson and the Artist Formerly Known as AFKAP, but the deal was squelched by the Justice Department. Deputy attorney general William O'Rights, who made the final decision, has released the following statement outlining the reasons for his ruling:

"Number one, it would violate the nation's anti-trust laws by putting 98% of the known sycophants on the payroll of a single employer. Number two, any time any of the four chairpersons of the proposed corporation went anywhere besides the bathroom, the resulting mass migratory movement would throw the Earth out of orbit. And number three, I just love the word 'squelch'."

 

 

Talent Scout Announces Road Show Lineup

Each summer the well-known record producer and talent scout Sonny Rucklehose organizes the "SRO'd Show", a nationwide tour of emerging singers and bands he has discovered. Rucklehose, who launched the careers of pop singers Bryan Adams and Ryan Adams, has announced the names of the young artists who will take part in this year's tour. The lineup will include the folk-rock songwriter Ian Adams, R&B singer Ann Adams, blues guitarist Nathan Adams, who goes by the stage name "N Adams", and a rapper known simply as Adams. The quadruple bill will appear at hydroelectric facilities around the country from June 15th through July 20th, then at the American Motor Sports annual stock car championship in Daytona Beach, Florida, on July 28th. The tour will wind up with a benefit concert for victims of Multiple Sclerosis on August 1st. When asked if she could sum up her feelings about being selected for "SRO'd" in just one letter, Miss Adams hissed...

 

Editor:    I do hope this is going to end soon.

Me:         Have you been following me?

Editor:    Mercifully, no. I thought you said you had an inside scoop on some rock star story or something. Why don't we just skip to that?

Me:         Oh, all right -- here goes:

 

New Light Shed on Hendrix Death

New information has emerged concerning the circumstances surrounding the untimely death of rock legend Jimi Hendrix on September 18, 1970. The 27-year-old guitarist and singer, who was staying at the time in the London flat of a German girlfriend, Monika Dannemann, died in his sleep from choking on his own vomit. It has been widely reported that Hendrix had taken a lethal combination of barbiturates and alcohol before going to bed. However, This Publication has received a pirated tape recording of a secret interview given by Dannemann in early 1971 in which she maintains that in fact Hendrix had not consumed any drugs at all that night. "Jimi was tired of getting high all the time," she recounts, "and had decided to stop all drugs and alcohol for a while. On the night of September 17th, he'd been totally sober for five days. He told me he was exhausted and wanted to go to bed early. At about midnight he complained that he couldn't sleep because it was 'too quiet' in my apartment -- you know how he was used to always being in a rock concert or a loud party -- so I turned on the radio in his room. I remember it was tuned to BBC4 and they had a Bubble Gum festival on that night. At about 5:30 am, which is the time the coroner estimates that Jimi died, I remember waking up in the next room and hearing the end of 'Yummy Yummy Yummy' by the Ohio Express and then the beginning of 'Seasons in the Sun' by Terry Jacks. Then I went back to sleep, and when I woke up he seemed to be passed out. I called an ambulance and the paramedics told me he had died. Gosh, what a horrible way to go. Although I guess it beats choking on someone else's..." [tape suddenly ends]

 

 

Iran Releases New Fee Schedule

for Rushdie Fatwa

The Iranian government has announced a revision of the fatwa (Islamic edict) originally pronounced by the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini in 1989 offering $2.8 million for the murder of British author Salman Rushdie to avenge perceived slights against Islam in his novel "The Satanic Verses". Rushdie has been very much alive and well since the death sentence was handed down, appearing on talk shows, delivering lectures, competing unsuccessfully in Jack Nicholson look-alike contests, and generally continuing to lead a fairly normal -- although jumpy -- life. The fundamentalist parliament of Iran, feeling that further delay in the execution of its order will constitute an embarrassment, has decided to seek any kind of retribution at all against the bestselling author and has therefore approved a new fee schedule offering smaller sums to anyone who is able to maim, wound, injure, insult, or annoy Rushdie in any way. The updated fatwa offers the following rewards:

 

Non-fatal knife or bullet wound

      $1,350,000

Third-degree burn

        $120,000

Second-degree burn

          $80,000

First-degree burn

          $50,000

First-degree burn using the "Wanna see a match burn twice?" trick

                  $1

Punch in the stomach

               $500

Smack in the face

               $200

Kick in the butt

               $150

Kick in the pahlavis     

        $500,000

Paper cut

                $50

Paper cut on the tongue or eyeball

          $10,000

Convincing Rushdie to purchase three or more shirts with stiff polyester labels that will chafe his neck

                $12

Cutting in front of him in line at a bank, post office, drive-in movie snack bar, Deepak Chopra book signing, etc.

                  $5

Sitting behind him in a movie theater during the showing of a comedy that you have already seen and loudly giving away every punchline right before it's delivered on screen

                $70

 

Maneuvering in front of him at a salad bar and sneezing wetly right into the blue cheese dressing

                  $7

Maneuvering in front of him at a salad bar and sneezing wetly right into the Ranch dressing (his favorite)

              $7.50

Founding two metal bands, one called "Satanic" and the other "Sux", purely for the purpose of organizing a "Battle of the Bands" with posters reading "Satanic vs. Sux"

            $1,500

Becoming a music promoter and producing two rap stars, one named "Rush D" and the other "Tearin' Piston", solely for the purpose of organizing a duo concert with posters reading "Tearin' Piston Rush D"

            $2,200

 

Claimants of these rewards are required to present photographic, video or other incontrovertible documented visual evidence of the harm done to Rushdie at their hands. Applicants may claim their rewards at any Iranian embassy anywhere in the world.

 

 

As we go to press:

The Iranian parliament has enacted a new law calling for the immediate execution by stoning without trial of anyone who attempts to defile the holiness of a "true son of Islam" (a category which includes all Iranian officials) by inducing him to gaze upon any man-made representation of the human face or figure, including drawing, painting, sculpture, or motion or still photography of any kind. The decision is reminiscent of a similar decree enforced in Afghanistan by the Taliban, which led to the destruction of countless works of art including the giant centuries-old statues of Buddha in Bamiyan. The law is to be enforced in all Iranian provinces, possessions and territories.

 

 

Fun fact for the day:

Did you know that a country's embassies are considered to be its own sovereign territory, independent of the laws of the host country? For example, you could be five thousand miles from home on the other side of the globe, but as soon as you step into an American embassy you're right back in the good old USA! Now isn't that heartening?

 

 

 

 

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¨©2002 by David Jaggard