Issue
number 48 April
26, 2003
Quorum of One is intended for adult
readers
This
issue:
A special public
service for graduating college seniors!
This is the time to be boning up on your specialty in preparation for the grueling aptitude tests you'll be taking at the end of the school year. Since sample questions to help students prepare for the GRE, M-CAT and L-SAT exams are readily available on the Web, This Publication has decided to devote this issue to excerpts from the:
T-LAT
Tobacco Lobbyists Aptitude Test
The test is in two parts: Verbal Skills and Math Skills. You will
have 45 minutes to complete each section. Or you can take the "light"
version of the test, which has fewer and easier questions. In that case you
will have 20 minutes to complete each section, but your score might be
inconclusive and you may have to take a second or even a third
"light" test right away. So it might ultimately take up more of your
time and energy than the full, original test. But don't blame us!
Do not open the test booklet or begin marking answers until you are
told to do so by the monitor. If you feel that this rule should not apply to
you, and have left a bag containing $50,000 cash in locker 917 at Dulles
International Airport Terminal G, you can begin right now and take as long as
you want to finish.
In this section of the test there may be several answers that seem to
be correct, but in each case you must choose the one best answer.
Choose the word or words from among the five possible answers that
best fill in the blank(s) in the given sentence.
Sample question:
Where there's
smoke, there's ____
A Fire
B Someone
enjoying a fine tobacco product
C Someone
exercising his inalienable right to enjoy a fine tobacco product
D Someone
exercising his or her inalienable right to enjoy a fine tobacco product
E An
entire group of like-minded men and women, all young and attractive, exercising
their inalienable right to enjoy fine tobacco products as well as each other's
witty and, I must add, downright flirtatious conversation
The correct answer, of course, is A. You may now proceed with the
test.
1. Hey
buddy, got a ___ ?
A cigarette
B match
C ashtray
D lung
E brain
2. Would
you ___ if I ___ ?
A mind ... smoke
B go ballistic ... enjoy myself
C call in jack-booted storm troopers ...
exercise my basic human rights
D beat me senseless ... speak out in
favor of freedom
E murder my children and my pregnant wife
... uphold the constitution
3. ___
me! This is a ___ ___ area!
A Excuse ... no smoking
B Pardon ... restricted pleasure
C Obey ... Puritans only
D Bow down and worship ... narrow-minded
killjoys
E So sue ... mob rule
4. When
its ___ ___ are ___, an industrial corporation has to ___ ___ the ___ ___.
A domestic markets ... saturated ...
invest in ... Third World
B advertising options ... restricted ...
begin sponsoring ... volleyball playoffs
C customer bases ... dwindling ... ahh,
"educate" ... younger generation
D core products ... regulated ... spread
around ... old do-re-mi
E professional ethics ... suspected ... act like ...
persecuted victim
5. ___
___?! ___ ___ ___ ___ ___?!
A Thirty-four percent ... Where'd you get
those figures
B Influence peddling ... Who would stoop
so low
C Recruit children ... Don't they need
entertainment too
D Developing countries ... They actually
have money there
E It's addictive ... Why didn't anyone
tell us
Choose the answer that most closely corresponds to the given analogy.
In these questions, the colon (:) represents the relation "is to" or
"are to", and the double colon (::) represents "as". Again,
several answers may be correct but there is only one best answer.
Sample question
Punitive damages : fraud ::
A fines : negligence
B prison time : telling little white lies
C solitary confinement : forgetting a
couple of minor details
D torture : exaggerating maybe a little
E summary assassination : just trying to
make an honest buck, fer chrissake
The correct answer is, obviously, C. You may now proceed with the
test.
6. Industry
: people ::
A sunlight : flowers
B flowers : wedding
C cake : wedding
D frosting : cake
E cherry : frosting
7. Government
: industry ::
A dam : river
B roadblock : felon
C pigeon : statue
D condom : shower
E rubber glove : physical exam
8. Tort
litigation : government ::
A bottom : barrel
B mucus : membrane
C pustule : cheek
D pus : pustule
E pit : outhouse
9. Lawyers : tort litigation ::
A moths : candles
B looters : earthquakes
C stalkers : movie stars
D sharks : chum
E freshmen : porn
10. "Victims"
: lawyers ::
A campers : mosquitoes
B sturgeon : lampreys
C zebra carcasses : hyenas
D bloated zebra carcasses : flies
E bloated rotting zebra carcasses :
maggots
11. People
: "victims" ::
A barrel : rotten apple
B ointment : fly
C soup : fly
D swimming pool : urine
E lung : tumor
Module C: Critical Reading
Questions
15-20 will refer to the following excerpt from the oeuvre of one of history's
greatest writer-philosophers:
"Brevity is the quality that makes cigarettes,
speeches, love affairs and ocean voyages bearable." H. L. Mencken
12. What phrase best describes
Mencken's attitude toward "ocean voyages"?
A bemused tolerance
B begrudging acceptance
C besotted ebullience
D bedraggled comeuppance
E bespectacled jurisprudence
13. But
nonetheless he does, does he not, clearly state that he finds "ocean
voyages" to be "tolerable", doesn't he?
A Actually, he said "bearable"
B Yeah, but that means the same thing
C Not exactly
D Well, close enough
E No, it's not the same at all
14. Hey,
there's no need to:
A Pick nits
B I'm not nitpicking! It's a significant
difference: "tolerable" means that something can be endured without
causing actual physical harm, whereas "bearable" means that something
can be endured with a modicum of pleasure.
C Oh come off it, you really believe
that?
D Sure do! The latest edition of the
Oxford English Dictionary lists 14 precedents for the use of
"bearable" in contexts indicating, if not outright pleasure, at least
mild, detached amusement, whereas in the citations for "tolerable"
there are seven...
E All right, all right! Have it your way!
Sheesh.
15. Ahem.
And "tolerable", or "bearable", whichever the hell, is a
positive assessment, isn't it?
A Hmmmmm...
B Weeeeellllll, yeeeeeeesssss...
C Yeah, I guess, pretty much
D Kind of -- I suppose you could call it
that
E Oh yes, absolutely. No doubt about it
16. All
right then. So if he has a positive viewpoint on "ocean voyages",
that means that he has a positive viewpoint on all of the other items in his
list too, doesn't it?
A Doesn't it?
B DOESN'T IT?
C Yeah, yeah, all right already
D DOESN'T
IT?
E Jeez buddy, chill a little, will you?
17. So it
can be deduced that Henry Louis Mencken (1880-1956), one of the pillars of
American journalism and literature, one of the great thinkers of the twentieth
century, was wholehearted in his endorsement of "ocean voyages" as
well as everything else on his list, including, I must add, love itself?
A No
B Whaddaya mean "no"?
C Oh all right, YES! Happy now?
D That's better
E When do I get my $50,000?
Part Two: Math Skills
In this section of the test, there is only one possible correct
answer to each question.
18. A
right triangle has two sides measuring 17.65 cm and 24.54 cm. The junction of
these two sides does not form a 90 degree angle. How long is the other side?
A 12.4 cm
B 22.1 cm
C 15 cm
D 0.021 inches
E These are just numbers. They don't
really signify anything.
19. The
national government in a certain country makes $34.5 billion per year by taxing
a certain product, money which finances schools, hospitals, environmental
protection projects, anti-crime programs, community outreach services, day care
centers, substance abuse recovery clinics, retirement homes, orphanages, free
family counseling and kitten rescue squads. If such a product were suddenly
taken off the market, how much time would it take for the country to go to hell
in a handbasket?
A Five days
B Three months tops
C A year, two years
D Maybe five years, but no more
E Any country that would even consider
outlawing or even restricting the sale of such a product has already gone to
hell
20. A train leaves Pleasanton at 5:34 pm,
traveling at a constant speed of 54 miles per hour toward Niceville, 212 miles
away. At 6:10 pm, another train leaves Niceville, traveling at a constant speed
of 62 miles per hour toward Pleasanton. Should both trains have smoking cars,
or should the God-given rights of honest tax-paying citizens be unthinkingly
squashed, mutilated and hurled aside just like the pennies that two kids put on
the tracks in Groovyburg (located 61 miles from Pleasanton and 151 miles from Niceville),
causing the first train to derail, instantly killing a number of passengers and
closing down the entire line for five days so that the two trains never met?
A This is a math question?
B Well, it's the math section...
C So what are we supposed to figure out?
D I don't know -- how many people were
instantly killed in the wreck?
E Who's to know? 17?
21. Of
the 17 passengers who were instantly killed in the train wreck described in the
previous question, six were habitual smokers. Did they die any sooner than the
non-smoking victims?
A No
B No, of course not
C Well, wait -- by a couple seconds maybe
D Yeah, but not because of their smoking
E I don't know -- what if one of them was
standing in between cars to try to sneak a smoke because there aren't any
smoking cars any more and was just lighting up at the time of the wreck and got
splashed all over with diesel fuel from a ruptured tank and was suddenly
engulfed in a billowing mass of flame that instantly burned off his clothes and
hair, blistered and charred his skin until it fell off in five-pound chunks,
roasted the tastebuds right off his tongue, boiled the fluid in his eyeballs
until...
22. HEY!!! Can it, willya? So from this we can
clearly deduce that when your number's up, your number's:
A Down
B Over there someplace
C Way in the back of the bottom shelf of
the refrigerator
D Up and there's not a goddamn thing you
or anyone else can do about it, buster!
E It's just a number. It doesn't really
signify anything
23. Qualitative
analysis question:
At Research Lab A, 115
rats are injected with massive doses of an allegedly noxious substance every
day for forty days. At Research Lab B, 400 white mice are injected with even
larger doses of the same substance for sixty days. At the end of thirty days
one of the rats in Research Lab A is still alive and the lab halts the
experiment. At the end of fifty days, all of the mice in Research Lab B are dead, but the staff keeps on
injecting them anyway for the full sixty days. So what, if anything, does this
prove?
A Lab A is more scientifically rigorous than Lab B
B Lab B is more scientifically rigorous than Lab A
C The two labs are equally rigorous in
their scientific testing
D The two labs will both receive funding
from some damn government bureau next year, just watch
E You can't tell shinola from information
like this
24. John
and Bill are both pitchers on the same minor league baseball team. John throws
a fastball at an average speed of 70 mph. Bill throws a fastball at an average
speed of 62.2 mph. In one season they both throw fastballs for three out of
seven pitches but otherwise spend exactly the same amount of time on the
pitcher's mound. In percentage, how much more time has Bill spent on the mound?
A 12%
B 4%
C 16%
D 2.31%
E 2.31% -- time that he could have spent
chewing tobacco, which would have provided the boost he needed to pitch faster
than John, who enjoys the refreshment and stimulus of a little pinch now and
then
25. An
opaque bag contains 12 white marbles, 23 black marbles and 16 red marbles. John
takes one marble out of the bag. It is red. What are the odds that John is
going to keel over and die from any cause other than a tobacco-related illness
before he can take another red marble out of the bag?
A Six to five against
B I'll give you twenty to one for
C Twenty to one? Are you crazy? I'm in!
D Me too! Here's $50,000 in cash!
E Woops -- forgot to tell you: John's
already dead. Cancer of the mouth. So it was actually Bill who took the marble
out of the bag and you all lose your bets.
26. Square
PQRS lies in the rectangular coordinate plane with opposite interstices and has
opposite vertices at coordinates R(3.2, -4.4x) and P(-8.93, 6x). Before trying
to figure out what the freakin' fork the value of x is, don't you wish you
could take a cigarette break?
A No
B Yes
C Yes, and I don't even smoke
D Cup of coffee while you're at it, if
it's not too much trouble
E I got a hip flask here if anyone wants
a little snort...
27. And what
if you were allowed to smoke during the test? Do you think your score would be:
A 12% better
B 12.1% better
C 12.13% better
D Perfect
E My score isn't even the point -- it's
just that I should
be able to if I wanted to.
28. Bill
and John took the same aptitude test on the same day. Bill's score is an
integer divisible by 17. John's score is exactly 12% higher than Bill's score.
The sum of their scores is a whole number that cannot be divided by 23. What is
John's score?
A Pretty good for a dead guy
B Yeah, especially a minor leaguer who
chewed tobacco
C Hey -- you want to stop dicking around
and finish the test, or what?
D All right, all right: 614
E Oh to hell with their scores, what's mine?
You have now reached the end of the test. Before turning in your test
booklet you must sign and date the following disclaimer:
To the
best of my knowledge at this time I can unhesitatingly assert that there is no
scientifically proven connection between nicotine and lung cancer, tar and
emphysema, cigarette ashes and that disgusting smell in my living room, or my
score on the T-LAT and any "extra goodies" that I may have added to
the, ahh, "gift pack", which by the way is in the locker right now.
Name (please print) ______________
Date ___________________________
Signature _______________________
©2003
by David Jaggard
Don't
read this: QOO is a humor site devoted to parody, satire, parodies, satires,
jokes and humor, jokes and humour, news parodies, news satires, funny news,
satires of the news, parodies of the news, humorous news, news jokes, newspaper
parodies, newspaper satires, literary parodies, literary satires, literary
satire, literary parody, satirical literature, parodies of literature, satires
of literature, funny music, funny songs, humorous songs, humorous music, comic
songs, funny lyrics, comic lyrics, humorous lyrics, novelty songs, political
satire, political humor, political humour, lobbyist jokes, tobacco jokes, big
tobacco companies jokes, jokes about tobacco, jokes about cigarettes, test
parodies, test satires, SAT parodies, SAT satires, S.A.T. test satires, S.A.T.
test parodies, S.A.T. parodies, S.A.T. satires, SAT test parodies, SAT test
satires, educational humor, educational humour and getting as many possible
search engine keywords into this paragraph as possible. I warned you.