|
|
- The
cold was so intense it felt like a presence. It suffused the air with
a haunting: wherever the eyes turned, they met other, invisible eyes.
The skin was brushed by another skin. Steps were preceded by other
steps. It was painful. It was disquieting. One felt observed. One felt
out of place. The world had become a place out of place. It had
unconditionally surrendered to the cold, which occupied it like a
foreboding, unintelligible presence.
- He felt out of place, when he stepped out
into the street. His skin shrank. His lungs bristled. His mouth filled
up with the taste of copper and old ice-cubes thousands of old
ice-cubes, tinkling in the container of the street. Then he realized
he had forgotten his gloves. He also had forgotten his scarf. Dr.
Freud would have had something to say about that. Dr. Freud had
something to say about everything according to Ann. But Dr. Freud
could not change the fact it was Friday night. At long last. Even Ann
could not change that. And he was not going to go back to the office
to fetch them. Not he. Not on a Friday night. No sir.
- He headed toward the subway, along with
dozens of others whom he knew as well as he knew himself: they too had
longed for Friday night. When he was younger, he used to pity them,
the people who longed for Friday night. Then he grew older and joined
their ranks. They did not scorn him for his former contempt, his
affectation of superiority. They pushed him to get into the subway
car. They pushed him to get out of the subway car. They slammed doors
in his face or stole the cab he had hailed or stepped on his toes and
looked mean and rash and vicious. But he would do the same to them. So
they were even. They avoided his gaze the way he avoided theirs. They
avoided any hint of physical or psychological contact: they were too
busy concentrating on the coming Friday, and the one after that, and
the one after. And so was he.
- They also, maybe especially, avoided the
gaze of younger people, in whose eyes one could see bright sparkles of
contempt gleaming. He avoided it as well. He remembered how it felt,
to have your eyes so bright it made other people look down. He
wondered whether they did too. He wondered whether they realized they
were, in spite of all their common efforts, all connected that way.
Through remembrance and avoidance. Part of a big family. Part of the
largest family of the country: the Friday tribe.
- Soon, they would all celebrate Christmas
together. Shop windows, on the way to or from the subway, urged them
to do so. Rejoice, Make Merry. The magazines in the newsstands said
the same. TV did, too.
- Christmas Eve is a big date for the Friday
tribe. It will turn a regular weekday into an extra Friday. So it is
announced all over. Clamored in loud-speakers. Marked by large
glittering ornaments hung on cables across the streets.
- When he left the subway at West Fourth,
thirty minutes later, the cold hit him again in the face, in the legs,
in the chest with relentless blows. It was a good puncher. It did not
leave you time to catch your breath. It kept on pummeling. Right, left,
all over. It seemed to say: Go home. It is too cold in the streets
for you. It is too cold for humankind in this world. Go away. Make way
for winter. Make way for His Majesty the Emperor of Ice. Why had he
forgotten his gloves and his scarf? Ann would have said, had they
still been on speaking terms, that it had to do with his childhood.
With his unresponsiveness toward his emotions. You are a Libra, she
would have said. Libras live on repressed anger. They are so busy
striking compromises with everyone, even themselves, that they forget
to be angry. So they live a shitty life.
- He did live a shitty life. But he knew
people who were Scorpios, or Leos, people who did not even know their
signs and yet lived the same shitty life. His idea was that his shitty
life also had to do with his shitty job. And with his shitty divorce.
He had said as much to Ann. One day, he had even ventured to talk
about Laura, and the divorce, and the kid he had never seen. She had
looked at him with cold, triumphant eyes. What did I tell you?
she had sneered. Your attitude is typical of a Libra. You had a
kid, and you gave him up forever, just because you were up your nose
into your dirty diplomatic tricks. Instead of using your emotions,
trusting your emotions, you tried to compromise, to reason, I suppose.
No wonder you lost it all. He had told her to go fuck herself.
Since then, they were not on speaking terms.
- God, it was cold! But, who cared, it was
Friday night. He waited for the light to change. Somebody ran into him
and ran off. He turned around. The youngster was already far away,
dashing through the crowd on his clattering skate-board, his eyes
radiant with contempt. Where were the cops, when you needed them?
Things like that ought to be illegal. He checked himself: his was a
typical Friday tribesman's attitude. He shrugged his shoulders. So
what? He belonged to them. They were his real, his only, his last
family.
- He crossed the street. Since it was Friday
night, he would first go for a drink somewhere. But where? He wanted a
quiet bar, with wood paneling, a massive mahogany counter, nice
copper-lamps, low, English-style tables, and hushed, urbane
conversations around a bowl of pleasantly salted, fresh nuts, and no
TV or spicy chicken wings. There, he would pull out the book he
carried in his pocket, order a Martini straight up, light up a
cigarette, look around and comfortably sink into the padded chair to
read a few chapters, while the night grew darker, deeper, behind the
heavy drawn curtains. Each Friday night he would put up the same silly
act solely for his benefit. He would pretend to be looking for a place
he would really like. Every week, the same mindless comedy. Who do
you think you are fooling? said Laura in the back of his head. You
know you'll end up in the same joint on Bleecker Street. He didn't
listen. One never knew. Maybe tonight he would find his ideal bar.
Maybe he had never looked hard enough, or not in the right places.
Nice things may happen. Even to Libras.
- His divorce had been his undoing. It had
broken him in two and had not left him enough energy to pick up the
pieces. In a way, he knew it, he did not yet even realize the divorce
had been pronounced. Three years after Laura's disappearance, a part
of him still lived on Laura's time, still looked forward to seeing
Laura after the office, to planning on Monday with Laura the
festivities for the next Friday. A part of him still loved her so much
it was embarrassing. A part of him was dead and did not know it, and
the other part, like the good Libra it was, did not know how to
announce it. He chuckled. Sure, he resented her, too, and most of the
time, didn't even think about her. But beneath the indifference, the
fire still smoldered, though inwardly as it were. There was not much
left to be consumed, so it just devoured itself endlessly. It would
soon die. Everything did, no matter what. Even the cold which pounded
him with stony fists would go away one day. That was what people like
Ann, or the beautifully impatient Laura, could not, would not
understand: the wheel turned, no matter what. One thing was replaced
by another, equally inadequate perhaps, but, at least for a while,
coated with the pleasant gloss of novelty. Wallace Stevens had had it
right. The earth, for us, is flat and bare. The earth is flat
and bare. So there.
- A group of loud-mouthed NYU students
passed him by, the tails of their shirts grotesquely flapping on their
denimed butts. Did he regret his youth, his campus days? He sometimes
tried to, but was never very successful. There had been nothing worth
regretting then. Loud-mouthing and untucked shirts, that pretty much
summed it up. Of all that which his life had been, (the earth is flat
and bare) it was the kid he missed the most. Laura had left when she
was five months pregnant, he did not even know whether with a boy or a
girl. He had decided for a boy. He had even given him a name. David.
The Psalmist. The Singing King. The one so enthralled by the ways of
the Creation that his throat endlessly swelled with songs of praise.
He would probably never set his eyes on David he had not done the
right things at the right time, he had tried to temporize for too
long, thinking, then, that he was doing the best for the three of them.
And maybe he had done the right thing, after all. At least the boy
would not end up torn between two feuding parents. But he would never
set his eyes on him.
- David. A shepherd's name. A name to call
on thyme-covered hills, among bleating sheep, under a sun more radiant
than love.
- He looked up. Even the nights were
disappointing now. They just belonged to the landscape. They were just
Friday nights. No sense of mystery, of infinity deepened them. They
did not connect you with the crushing, indifferent grandeur of the
world as it is and as it goes on, away from human interpretations.
They just hung over the city like some props made out of cheap fabric,
where stars when there were stars were mere rents revealing
the spotlights behind.
- He had reached the corner of Bleecker and
La Guardia. It was getting too cold to continue homeward without first
getting some warmth. Why had he forgotten his gloves and his scarf,
for God's sake? Of course, he had not seen any bar worth entering
either. He had not really looked, to tell the truth. The same old
story. Like every other Friday night, the same old story. Like his
entire life: the same old story, over and over.
- So, to keep up with the tradition, he
stopped, pivoted on his heels, and, without paying attention to the
beggar who had opened the door for him, stepped into the same bar
where he had been going the past three years.
- God bless you, said the beggar. God
bless you and a Merry Christmas too!
- The earth is flat and bare, I tell you.
-
- * * * * * * *
-
- He left the bar, an hour later, in the same mood he had entered it.
A mildly sour one. Drinking rarely seemed to lift his spirits. It just
made the misery less perceptible, more hazy, turned it into some sort
of vague necessity you did not have to focus on. Another part of life,
like divorces and jobs and crushed hopes. Like tipped over glasses and
empty packs of cigarettes at 1 am. Another anecdote among thousands of
like anecdotes.
- The cold was waiting for him. It punched him in the stomach, then
braced his legs and gagged his mouth. Then it leaped to his face and
tried to lacerate it. It got hold of his ears and squeezed them till
they felt like they had been ripped off. Go away, it repeated,
go away. There is no room here for any of you. The world belongs to
me.
- So he headed for home. What else was there? Pick up a girl? He did
not feel like it. He had met one, two nights ago, and gone to bed with
her. The vague cousin of a vague friend. From Ohio. She said she would
call, when she had left the morning after. She had not, of course. Who
does? If, by mistake or by miracle they do, you leave your answering
machine on. Because you are too stupid. Sometimes because they are too
stupid. People of little faith.
- Then what? TV? The landlord had probably forgotten, in spite of his
repeated phone-calls, to fix the radiators, so he would be freezing in
front of the tube. And it was Friday night, remember? If you don't
have cable, on Friday nights you're in for nothing, save, perhaps, a
musical on PBS, around 11 pm. He was not in the mood for Fred Astaire.
- Then what? Why couldn't he just go home, fix something to eat and
read, wrapped in blankets? Why was he always tempted by that which was
not there, or not attainable, or not for him?
- - Would a good soul help me cross the street?
- He had reached Broadway and was wondering whether he would go to the
Blue Willow for a last one, when he heard the moaning request.
- - Would a good soul help me cross the street?
- The Friday evening crowd was swirling around the wheel-chair like
rushing water bumping onto an obstacle. Wavelets of faces, ripples of
bodies just surrounded it, then went their way again the smooth,
continuous way of a crowd composed of careless, relieved individuals
savoring the first sip of Friday's leisure. People laughed. People
hurried right and left, north and south. People carried Christmas
packages, or boom-boxes, or sleepy children, or brightly colored
backpacks. People stopped to check the wares of Peruvian women selling
heavy sweaters, of Chinese men selling sun-glasses and fluffy
head-bands, of Pakistani families selling audio or video cassettes. In
their midst, the wheel-chair looked like a raft precariously anchored
in rapids. Nobody paid any attention to it. It stood there the way the
scaffolding stood around the Blue Willow: another piece of urban
furniture. It would eventually go away. Everything, eventually, went
away.
- - Would a good soul help me cross the street?
- Instead of pushing the doors to the Blue Willow, he clasped his
hands around the wheel-chair's handles and pushed it across the street,
back where he was coming from. It did not cost him much. It would make
him feel good afterward. Too bad he had forgotten his gloves: the
metal burned his palms and fingers like ice. The passenger moaned
languidly:
- - God bless your soul, kind sir. God bless your soul.
- They reached the sidewalk. He did not like being blessed. Actually,
he rather resented people's habit of dragging God around all the time.
Not that it offended his own belief: he did not believe in God or
in anything, for that matter, except that, for him at least, the earth
was flat and bare. But even so, it depreciated what God stood for, to
invoke his name in vain, time in, time out, for the most trivial
occurrences.
- He steadied the wheel-chair on the pavement and let go of the
handles. He leaned over a bit, ready to say good-bye. From the bundle
of plastic-sheets, rags and ropes which the passenger had wrapped
himself with rose the most revolting stench of old, cold sweat and
vomit, of half digested alcohol and stale tobacco. He felt nauseous.
Maybe there were germs on the handles, or lice? He cursed himself for
having forgotten his gloves.
- - Would you mind wheeling me up a block or two? I'm so tired.
- At first, he was taken aback. His charitable inclinations were being
crudely presumed upon. He did not like it. Give them a finger, they'll
rip off the arm. But he was not supposed to like it. That was beyond
the point. His help was requested. Nothing more. And wasn't it almost
Christmas Eve, especially for invalids, for beggars?
- He gripped again the handles. The sensation of burning returned to
his palms. He was not afraid of germs or vermin anymore. It was too
cold for them. It's too cold out here for anyone, hissed the
cold. Its too cold for any living creature. The rule of winter has
arrived. He started pushing the wheel-chair. Whiffs of the horrible
smell would jump at him, then vanish almost immediately, leaving him
uncertain whether he had actually smelled it. He wondered whether he
was wheeling a man or a woman. The lethargic voice had been sexless.
It had just betrayed age and weariness. Or was it just drunkenness? Or
was it just a decoy to attract compassion? He had not been able to see
anything of the face. Not even a nose or the glint of an eye. Black?
White? He did not know. Even the hands were wrapped in folded garbage
bags, tied with what seemed to be Christmas tinsel. The volutes of the
passenger's breath dissolved quickly in the sharp air, like dreamy
dragons, as soon as they left the shadow of the hood. He sneezed.
- - God bless you, said the passenger absent-mindedly
- - God bless you, echoed an anonymous voice in the crowd.
- The cold weighed on his shoulders like the lead apron they make you
wear when they X-ray your teeth in a dentist's office. It was
ill-adjusted and heavy. It trammeled his already uneasy walk. But,
since he had accepted the job, he might as well do it with a light
heart. It would not last long. And, afterward, he would feel even
better than he had originally expected. He would feel warm inside and
proud and pleased with himself. It would be like having drunk a moral
Martini. He would have disconnected himself for a short while from the
Friday tribe. For a while, he would have gotten back a taste of his
younger years, when the earth was round and rich.
- And David would have been pleased with him, too. Children did not
understand poverty or sickness or destitution. They did not see how
people could lack what appeared so normal to them: a warm bed and
Saturday cartoons and toys, and food neatly piled on the shelves of
the fridge and the pantry. At least, he chose to think so now. Another
day, he would remember that children too were cruel and vicious beings,
that they knew ways to inflict suffering which adults did not want to
hear about. But not on a Friday night. Not when he was performing a
good deed, the reason for which escaped him.
- Three blocks was it? Or four already? He looked across the street.
There was the Pottery Barn outlet. Its windows shone with a profusion
of gold. The display was arranged in such a way as to suggest that
gold was pouring from some invisible corner of the unseen altitude,
maybe a coffer from the Arabian Nights, or some celestial piggy bank
gold plates, and gold napkins, and gold kitchenware, and gold
vases, and gold candles in their gold candlesticks, and gold wrapping
paper, and gold notebooks, and gold everything cascading down onto a
world of plenty. It was sickening. Especially to somebody who was
wheeling a homeless, melancholy invalid, it was sickening. The greedy
80's, as the glossy magazines which had tirelessly extolled the decade
were now busy calling it, were not over. They were never over for some.
Never.
- The cold bit his shoulders and his legs like a famished hound
gnawing furiously at a meatless bone. Why had he forgotten his gloves
and his scarf? What was wrong with him anyway? The other day, it was
his wallet he had forgotten in the lavatory of the office. Of all
places. And of all things. He could not have lost his wedding band, of
course. No. He could not even take it off his finger.
- He stopped pushing the wheel-chair. He had done his duty: six blocks
at least. It was time to say good-bye for good. Good-bye, and Merry
Christmas. Of course, he realized now he would have to leave a handful
of coins, maybe a buck or two, in the passenger's lap. He had gone too
far, in both senses of the term, to avoid that part of their tacit
contract. He tried to remember how much loose change he had in his
back pants pocket and whether he had used all his singles at the bar.
- - Could you wheel me up one or two more blocks, please? It is so
cold for my poor hands.
- His anger flared. Now that was really pushing it a bit far. Who did
the guy think he was? A sucker, obviously. Well, even suckers have
their pride, Christmas time or not. Then he thought again, and thought
about David again. David would have said: Come on Dad. It's Friday
night. One or two more blocks, what's the difference for you? But it
will mean so much for the poor man. He smiled. He had never
imagined David calling him Dad. He wondered whether indeed his son
would have grown up such a marvelous, warm-hearted, compassionate
creature, had he lived with his father. Probably not. How could he
know? Laura had disappeared right after the divorce. Her parents said
they did not know exactly where she had gone. They lied, of course.
But it was their right, maybe even their duty. A friend of Laura had
told him she was somewhere in Southern Europe. Italy maybe. Sicily.
The French Riviera. Spain. Greece. Places he had always wanted to
visit, first when he was young, then with Laura. Places he did not
dare to go to, now that he could, because he was afraid he might run
into Laura and their child. Lands of fragrant apricots and shiny
lemons, leaving in the palms a thin, soapy film one did not want to
wash away. Lands cut out of the driest rocks, and displayed as the
bluest hills, under a sky as pure as water. There, houses were passed
on from generation to generation, along with their beautiful groves of
pine-trees houses atop hills scented with silex and thyme, houses
with terraces enclosed by terracotta balustrades, and light, white
curtains flapping at noon, even without a breeze; houses clustered in
small, dusty, sleepy hamlets where the bells of pinkish churches,
built with stones from ancient temples to Venus or to Mars, rang not
so much to mark the time of the day as to carve forever on the mind
the absolute stillness of the sun-glorified landscape. He could not
have offered that to David. With his job as a commercial translator,
he could have barely managed to afford a house in a sinking
middle-class suburb, with a brownish lawn looking like the neighbor's
brownish lawn, and a green garage door against which to throw old
tennis balls, and garbage bins in the backyard, somewhere on
Washington Street, or Atlantic Avenue, or Wild Oaks Drive, in the
constant humming and babbling of TV.
- He waited for the light to change, then pushed the wheel-chair
across. He weighed down on the handles of the chair to avoid bumping
into the sidewalk.
- - Hey, easy man, snapped the passenger angrily.
- He was so surprised he did not react. He forgot what he had just
resolved. Instead, he concentrated on the cold of his hands and of his
neck. It felt like they were both immersed in a bath of raging embers,
which skinned them and fleshed them, leaving the bones painfully
exposed to the frigid, relentless blaze.
- He kept on pushing.
- In the land of the lemons, cicadas, hidden on tree branches, sounded
like drops of oil frying the day to a crisp gold. In the land of the
lemons, maybe the earth was not as flat, or as bare.
-
- * * * * * * *
-
- He lifted up his head to peek at the street sign, and saw nothing
through the hurried lashes of the snow. When did it start snowing? He
did not remember that it even began snowing. He squinted his eyes, and
managed to read the sign. 35th Street. His heart sunk.
- - I'm hungry.
- The sound of the voice startled him. He stopped pushing. He cupped
his hands in front of his mouth and blew on them. Snow flakes
dissolved as they landed on his cheeks, on his lips. He inadvertently
licked a few and shivered. They tasted so metallic. It was as if his
tongue had touched the handles of the wheel-chair. The mere thought
repulsed him. Who was hungry? He was. He tried to remember how he
could have gotten that far without realizing it. Almost thirty five
blocks, in complete oblivion.
- - I'm hungry.
- The voice had risen again, morose and assertive and plaintive. His
anger came back at once. It felt nice: it was hot. It was burning. It
melted away the gangue of heavy cold which encrusted his head, his
limbs, his chest. It was comfortable, like coming home after a long
absence, when you untie your tie and take off your shoes. Who had ever
pretended he did not know anger, or only repressed it? Not every kind
of anger required be acted upon or even taken into consideration. That
was the point of anger. That was knowing what anger was about. Right
now, he was angry, he enjoyed it, and was about to express it as
forcefully as was in his power.
- - I'm hungry.
- The voice rose for a third time, more mournful and more solemn than
before. It did not even seem to belong to the passenger anymore, but
to spring from the street itself, from the pavement, from the swaying
lamp post near which they had stopped, from the lobby of the building
they stood next to the drab, soulless room, crucified to its
maroonish walls and its cracked linoleum floor by the unflinching
glare of the large, white sphere of a lamp. It came from above and
beneath, from the clouds against which the lights of the city banged
their beams, looking for an exit from their own lifelessness, and from
the stars above the clouds, the chaotic constellations nailed at
random to the black wall of space, unable to make sense of their
haphazard configuration; from the tunnels below, the subway stations
where people went out of their ways to avoid looking at one another,
and from the sewers where blind rats fought over indistinct debris,
the conduits where phone wires carried endless ringing of phones no
one answered, or to which machines were answering, or to which people
were answering, only to hear a computer's carefully composed voice;
from the block around them, the ominously tall buildings plunged in
darkness, save for the insomniac, red pupil of the emergency exits
signs and the fluorescent lights of stairways and empty halls, and
from the neighboring skyscrapers, where tiny silhouettes moved to and
fro in tiny boxes, caught, like insects in amber, in the oily glow of
the lamps near their meals, near their beds, near the minuscule
emplacements of their minuscule actions; from the crowds they had left
behind and from the crowds they were heading toward, the Friday tribes
and the bridge and tunnels herds, the nocturnal tribes and the 8pm to
4am shift populace, the children thirsting after quick, jolting,
repeated pleasures and the foundlings of endless recessions. It came
from all the throats which ever moaned, from all the beings which ever
experienced pain and loss and bewilderment. It boomed from the bottom
of his own heart and rang the universe with its dejected intonation.
It had his father's voice, and his mother's, and Laura's, and Ann's,
the voice of his grandfather as he had been dying, years ago, lost in
the anonymity of a hospital neatly tucked in bed, lost in the
aftermath of a war death had waged inside his body, before forgetting
to claim its spoils, and the voice of the girl from Ohio, as she had
left the room, blowing him kisses with manicured hands; the voice of
friends long forgotten and of friends never met, of friends betrayed
and of double-crossing strangers. It said nothing, it meant nothing,
and yet it conveyed more than could be tolerated, or accepted, or
understood. It had started reverberating at the beginning of time, and
the end of time would not make it cease. It was its own Alpha and
Omega. It surrounded him and whispered: I'm hungry. I'm hungry. I'm
hungry. It did not matter what it experienced hunger for, be it
food, or fame, or money, or a house, or a companion, or a moment of
appeasement. It was the call of need, of want. It was the murmur of
the essential void at the heart of any human being, to which, as they
were trapped in it, the gales of winter gave a voice. It said again:
- - I'm hungry.
- His shoulders dropped. The cold almost knocked him down. Snow filled
up his eyes, leaped down his neck, bit him hard. He grabbed again the
handles of the wheel-chair and pushed the passenger to the corner,
where a Korean grocery store propped against the night and the empty
street glowing pyramids of apples, thick-skinned oranges and pink
papered onions. He parked the chair below the jutting canopy, near the
entrance. He leaned forward and muttered:
- - I'll only be a minute.
- He rushed into the store. His teeth were clattering. His back was
drenched. Why had he forgotten his gloves and his scarf? He was going
to catch his death.
- The floor had been washed a few minutes ago. It glistened and
smelled of pine-tree scented detergent. Or was it lime? He could never
tell. Yet it reminded him of Sunday afternoons, when he was a kid,
when his mother would scrub the kitchen floor not because it needed
it, but in order not to hate her husband and her children and her
entire life more than she already did. It was slippery and flat and
bare. The store was empty, save for a girl in her late twenties at the
counter, who looked cold, composed and bored. The contents of the
salad bar tins had been taken away and the tins glistened like
laboratory containers, before an operation, waiting for tissues
removed, fragments of bones, bloody utensils. The fluorescent lights
hummed. Christmas garlands lined the shelves, and ran along the walls,
under the ceiling. Here and there, as he pushed the door open,
brightly colored glass balls tinkled, which spelled out HAPPY NEW YEAR
in frosty signs. Boxes of red and white mint candy canes had been set
up by the cash register, under cardboard panels which read, in
glittering letters: Free For You, Valued Customers ! ! ! Merry
Christmas, Happy New Year, Thank You For Your Patronage.
- He ordered a large cup of lentil soup and two roast-beef sandwiches.
He piled up in his arms all he could grab: several packs of cookies,
two containers of fruit juice, a few bags of dried fruit. How are you
hungry? What do you long for, when you are hungry? For bread, because
it is symbolic? Or for protein, in a scientific fashion? Or for
comfort food, for overly sweet junk, for candy remembered from
childhood, brightly packaged in noisy tinfoil and hard-to-tear
plastic? Would you rather have something extravagant and useless, to
taunt adversity or something that would hold to your body for
hours, sitting in your stomach like a cat asleep? He had never been
hungry, that is: really hungry. It was a utterly novel experience for
him a disquieting one, which made him feel out of place and
gauche. It changed the way you considered food. It made it, all of a
sudden, important obscenely important: it was almost shameful to
be hungry when they were so many food-stores everywhere, so many
restaurants. It restored meaning to the simple shape of an apple. It
made everything in the store look both enticing and dangerous.
- He asked for a carton of cigarettes.
- As he was searching for his wallet in his pocket, he looked up at
the concave mirror nailed above the cash register and shuddered. From
under the passenger's wrappings, hands were busy darting in and out,
snatching all they could, hiding their loot in what seemed to be
thousands of folds, crevices, and pockets. He stared at the girl. She
had not seen anything. He smiled. She smiled.
- - Do you want a mint candy?
- He thanked her and said no. She said:
- - On the house. Really.
- He said no again. He mumbled something about his dentist. She
insisted:
- - Coffee then? On the house.
- He smiled more broadly. He could not refuse. He said that he would
pay. She smiled more broadly. She said she would not accept. She
asked:
- - And for your friend, coffee too?
- He nodded. Coffee too. With lots of sugar. He wondered whether she
liked children. He wondered whether he could live with her, in Italy,
or in Greece, whether she too would be impatient in the long run, and
frustrated, frustrated enough to scream; whether she too would cry for
not having accomplished what she had set her heart to, when she was
younger, when she looked forward to moving to the Big Apple, when a
glamorous life seemed no more difficult to obtain than a free gift
from the Home Shopping Network; whether she would scream just because
he would not be able to, even though he too wanted to. He wondered how
David would look, with almond-shaped eyes. He wondered whether he had
ever really loved Laura for what she was, for what she had offered
him.
- She put everything he had bought neatly in a plastic bag. She
smiled.
- - Merry Christmas, she said with a buoyant voice as he left the
store. Then she regained her former composure and the look of boredom
fell again upon her face.
- There were tulip petals, on the passenger's lap. Dozens of tulip
petals, orange, vermilion, pink, dark purple, like small Chinese cups
of exquisite making. It looked incongruous but it was delightful. It
had something of a magical quality to it. Like an unexpected image in
the dry prose of a commercial contract. Like a bird song in the
subway.
- He hung the bag on one of the handles. His hands met again with the
burning metal.
- He leaned forward. He asked:
- - Where to, Your Lordship?
- A wrapped hand rose from the smelly bundle and slapped him hard on
the cheek. Why had he forgotten his scarf?
-
- * * * * * * *
-
- He had had to stop, at the passenger's imperious request. He had had
to go around the wheel-chair and kneel to the ground and help the
passenger, who was complaining about a limpness in his, or her, hands,
which prevented him (or her?) from bringing the cup of coffee to his
lips. Then he had had to feed the passenger, spoonful after spoonful,
with soup. The passenger had yelled that the coffee was too cold, that
the soup was too hot, that he hated lentils, that nobody even cared
enough to ask him what he really liked, that snowflakes were getting
in his eyes, melting among the lentils and flavoring them with a
bitter taste of old ice-cubes. He had protested in a crescendo voice
that he was being wheeled around with no more respect than if he were
a sack of potatoes, that he had not once, not once, been offered a
cigarette; that he did not deserve to be treated that way, or anyway,
by anyone, least of all by this one. He had screamed that he would not
tolerate anymore abuse, that things would have to change, and to
change fast, and to change now.
- Then the passenger had poured the soup on his helper's head and
laughed with a booming laughter and lit up a cigarette and bit into an
apple he had stolen earlier, spitting out the seeds with a whistling
noise between his invisible lips.
- He had wiped off the lentils with his sleeves and cleaned his hair
and head with a clump of snow he had gathered off the hood of a car in
his frozen hands. He had fought back the tears of pain and humiliation
which were swelling at the corners of his eyes. He had managed not to
say a thing. Not one single thing. Neither a scream nor a whisper.
Neither a yes nor a no. In the end, it would change. It would go away.
The wheel would turn. It always turned. Such was it function. Such was
its destiny.
- Again he had grabbed the handles and started pushing the chair
again, under the snow, along the deserted avenue, where the suffused
light of the night was turning blue a pale, clear, iridescent
blue, which seemed to emanate from the ground and hover over it like a
ghost, like a spouse unable to give up its dead spouse. He had to go
on. He had to carry on. He had to see the whole thing through. Should
he let go now, it would mean nothing. It would just have been a
pitiful anecdote, one which he would not be able to remember with a
vague grin, in years to come, but rather with a grimace of shame and
pain because it would be an incomplete memory, just another anecdote,
among the thousands of similar anecdotes with which his life was
already replete. It would be a betrayal, an abject, shameful,
unforgivable, hollow treason.
- So he had to keep on going. That was the only salvation left to him.
It was an occasion to make up for all that had gone wrong so far
for his stupidly wasted studies and for his meaningless job, for the
divorce, and for the argentine laughter of Laura, when she had left,
when she had opened the door, turned around and said with a calm
hissing tone: You pathetic piece a shit, and stepped out, and
quietly closed the door behind her, and laughed, and laughed, and
laughed so much, so wholeheartedly that she had started coughing; and
for Ann's narrow-mindedness, for the new office he had been promised
from year to year, one with a window, one with a drawer with a lock,
but which he had never obtained; and for the landlord who had still
not fixed the radiator, for the bar he had not found and the girl who
had not called; for the son he would never see or the daughter he
would never hug. He had to go on, to keep on going to ensure that, in
the end, a meaning of sorts would emerge from this chaos, would cast a
long expected light over it all, giving its anarchic outline a
clear-cut shape, a geography, a texture, an orientation. He had to go
on to ensure that to be alive was indeed, in the end, in spite of
appearances to the contrary, to be alive, to be breathing and acting
and feeling, to be responsive and responsible, and not just to exist
as a spurious mannequin aimlessly mimicking the teeming motions of
decay. He had to go on to make sure that the thyme-covered hills did
exist, that they did smell intensely of thyme of dry rocks and
ocher earth and pine gum; of blooming laurels and of myrrh-trees and
of bitter berries; to make sure that cicadas sung in tune, hid at the
forks of sun-beaten limbs and shed their pellucid chrysalises and
endlessly sung in unison with the glory of noon; that the sun hung
eternally like a globe of untouched radiant gold on a sky of
untouched, radiating lapis; to make sure that infants would turn into
little boys, and little boys into bigger boys and bigger boys into
sun-tanned shepherds, their lips stained with blackberry juice, their
calves scratched by thorny bushes, as they shouted their names to the
stillness of the hills and to the sun, counting their sheep on their
fingers, carrying new-born lambs in their arms. So much depended upon
him, upon his carrying on, upon his not forfeiting his duty...
- He had pushed the wheel-chair under the snow, feeling the cold
getting nearer every instant, more personal, as if it had become
palpable, as if the presence he had sensed earlier this afternoon,
leaving this office, was slowly congealing into a shape, on the verge
of obtaining a face, a body. Its punches, while so numerous they felt
like sleet, had lost nothing of their precision or their thrust. The
eyes, the lips, the cheeks, the neck, the fingers, the stomach, the
legs they explored each part of his flesh with an ever unsatisfied
curiosity coupled with an almost amorous ardor. He was exhausted. He
breathed rapidly, never able, it seemed, to get enough air in his
lungs. Yet the little he managed to swallow hurt like molten lead. It
felt harsh, thin and alien. It abraded his tongue. It was flavored by
whiffs from the quart of cheap gin the passenger had extracted from
under his wrappings and was busy gulping down, with loud gurgles and
prolonged sighs of satisfaction. There would be no end to his present
misery. He suspected as much. He accepted as much. No end for him. No
end for anyone presently caught in the throes and tangles of misery.
It would go on for such people, as he was himself going on, as the
cold was going on, forever on this flat and bare earth. But maybe for
others it would make a difference. For babies unborn and babies too
young to remember, things might change, might follow another
direction, take on another signification. It was worth trying. There
was nothing else to try anyway. It was only at the end of the road
that you could know where you had arrived, that you could say you had
traveled and that indeed, the earth was flat, and bare, that you could
lay down your burden and declare that you could not go on anymore.
- Who was this torturer of his? Why did he allow him to inflict such
deep, such inmost, such incurable wounds? A never before tapped flow
of humiliation, of mindless self-sacrifice now demanded to come forth
out of his heart, like a torrent of lava, of ashes and of spume
gushing violently from a volcano, burning everything on its way,
digging a bottomless trench into the scorched earth. Questions echoed
from one end of his mind to the other, banging against his skull, as
frenzied and barbed as wasps in August and as impossible to swat. He
knew they could not be answered, that they had no answer. They were
rhetorical. They were noisy words, without meaning, for they did not
know what they said. His present action had nothing Christian to it.
He did not believe in charity. He did not think you should to unto
others what you would have liked them to do you. He hated good deeds.
They smacked of Boy-Scouttness, of the Salvation Army. They looked
like Mother Teresa: wrinkled, weak, inefficient. They were placebos.
The endemic homelessness of thousands of New Yorkers irritated him
more than it concerned him. It was yet another ugly strain in the life
of the big city. He did not care much for invalids either. Sickness
made him sick. He abhorred the very thought of death. He did was he
was doing because he did not know what he was doing.
- Maybe things would have been different in the land of the lemons?
Maybe there, under a sky as pure as a prayer, among olive trees and
cypresses, the goodness of one's heart bloomed like a poppy proudly
hoisting up its crimson banner? Or maybe things would have naturally
carried a meaning would have been simple things, full things,
standing in their thingness the way trees stood in forests, embracing
the earth with their roots, supporting the sky with their branches?
Maybe, had David lived with him, he would not have hardened himself
so? His son would have acted as a constant reminder, a continual judge
and witness for the world's misery. He would have clung to his
father's sleeve, and would have said with a serious little voice: Dad,
why don't we cook something for the guy under the porch and bring him
a blanket to keep him warm? Dad, why don't we send money to the Red
Cross, to the New York Times Neediest Cases Fund, to the Fund for the
Relief of the Kurdish people, of the Iraqi people, of the Bengali
people, of the people from the Horn of Africa, of Ethiopia, of
Cambodia, of Armenia, to the Tamils, to the Timorese, to the Sudanese,
to the children of Rio de Janeiro and the Nordeste, to the little
girls of India, to the kids of Soweto? It was better after all for
his son that he had remained with his mother. She was aggressively
selfish. Or maybe just aggressively ignorant. She would teach David to
be so. It would spare him the fruitlessness of empathic suffering. It
would save him from seeing his father look embarrassed, pretending he
had not heard.
- The snow made their progression more and more difficult. It stuck to
the wheels, and to the soles of his shoes. Under its coating, the
pavement had begun to freeze and was getting slippery. Yet he managed
to push the wheel-chair, block after block, in an almost uninterrupted
fashion. When the light was red, he took his hands off the handles for
a few seconds and blew on them, thinking of his scarf and of his
gloves. He could see them in the office, the scarf on the rack, next
to an old umbrella, the gloves on his desk, like withering flowers.
Both were a gift from Laura. Maybe that was why he had forgotten them.
Maybe somebody would steal them tonight. Maybe he would buy new ones,
and begin a new life? His hands stung and itched. They felt as if the
skin of the palms had been removed. He had seen a movie, years ago, in
which a bishop, on the parvis of a cathedral, desecrated a rebellious
priest's palms by ripping off their skin with large metal brushes, so
that he could not bless anyone anymore. It had seemed so barbaric at
the time, so cruelly gratuitous. How could have man ever believed so
much, or so little, in his Creator? How could he arrogate to himself
the right to forget that faith was symbolic? Now, however, it just
felt like it was part of an undecipherable, yet necessary ritual,
which somewhat involved everything else. Life was about symbols. Life
was a symbol, though of what, he could not yet say. It thrived on
signs and on constant shuffling of signs. But nowadays the signs were
empty. They were just pieces of paper, shredded, devalued symbols,
conventions, mere commodities to be traded for other signs which in
turn became values generating more signs in an endless cascade of
dwindling significance. Where had he read such convoluted ideas? And
why were they now coming back to his mind? Or was he actually thinking
them? So many things happened so differently tonight... Briefly, he
thought about the book he had read earlier, Flaubert's Three Tales.
How he now envied their characters, basking in something like faith
the way he was surrounded by the cold, drowning under a blizzard.
Could it be possible that he was after that which would give an end to
his own story some sort of personal apocalypse, an inescapable,
binding revelation? Could it be that he secretly sought out his own
miseries only because they would, in the end, provide him with the
warm certitude of order, of marvelous necessity?
- He was going crazy. Drunk with cold, obviously. Intoxicated with
humiliation.
- He bit his fingers hard to restore a seeming of blood circulation.
The pain brought tears to his eyes though, bizarrely, it also brought
him a queer sensation of comfort. As if pain constituted a beginning
of an answer. As if something lay in pain he needed to discover and to
explore. The suffering reverberated throughout his freezing body with
a golden glow, an incandescent comet-like trail of phosphorous dust.
He spent what seemed to him a watchful eternity marveling at its
beauty, at its useless yet consoling splendor. An infinite tremor ran
through his whole being. He was indeed going crazy. But first he had
to finish this job.
- When they passed by it, on the other side of the avenue, Saint
Patrick's cathedral looked just like any other building, a tall
monument squatting under the snow, defending the dark emptiness of its
heart against the assaults of the cold. The passenger was cursing
then, with so foul a language he felt soiled inside at having to
listen to the repugnant flow of words and sentences soiled and
desperate. Desperate and drunk with despair. Desperate and drunk with
elation.
-
- * * * * * * *
-
- They entered the Park by the Sixth Avenue entrance. He felt as if he
was wheeling a king back to his palace through a secret doorway after
some grandiose occasion, a golden jubilee, a magnificent victory over
eternal foes, a coronation. The green and silver liveried valets, the
bejeweled women with ostrich feather fans, the ambassadors, the gabby
Secretaries of State, the requisite anarchists hiding their crudely
crafted bombs under their satin cloaks, the wigged dignitaries
they had been fooled. They were still waiting for His Majesty
somewhere in another wing of the citadel, under the crystal chandelier
of the ballroom. They were whispering in each other's ears and sipping
locally grown champagne. They were getting impatient and bored and
tired. The musicians kept their bows ready over their violins' strings
for the national anthem. The petits fours were turning stale on the
tables. The scentless flowers were withering.
- But it had been their Sovereign's pleasure to play a trick on them
and to withdraw unbeknownst to them all, to freely roam through his
palace alone, room after room, from the library to the Chamber of the
Cabinet, from the Rococo gallery to the Trophy Room, along empty
hallways and deserted corridors. The furniture was sheathed in crisp,
white fabric. The candles had been blown out. No lamps were burning in
the bronze sconces. The clocks had been stopped. All the noises were
hushed to a mere sigh by the thick carpets on the floors. Reflections
in the tall, beveled mirrors stood perfectly still like images from a
book of hours. Save for the invalid Monarch and his confidant, this
part of the chβteau was empty.
- How the whole scene would have enchanted David. It was magical and
mesmerizing. It looked as if the world had been made anew, as if it
had been redesigned, given an entirely new function and made anew with
fewer, sturdier yet sheerer materials with glass, and ice, and
scintillations, with black lines and white stretches, with things
furry, and things so smooth they lost all dimension and volume, with
things bright and things untouched by any light. The snow fall was
subsiding and the wind had almost died. The air was filled with a
powdery taste of frost and seemed to dance within its own lacy
stillness. Even the silence was different, rang differently. It was
not so much an absence of sound as a gathering of all sounds into one
single, almost inaudible, vibration that, maybe, of an invisible
finger running around an invisible crystal bowl or that, maybe, of an
invisible choir singing an imperceptible carol. All that ever had been
had given up being, had accepted being transubstantiated into its own
abstraction not so much its obligatory details, its mandatory
colors, its unavoidable grain as its idea, its essential, yet
fleeting, concept. All had turned into a distinctive tremulation of
the light of winter, from the darkest black to the thinnest, brightest
blue, in palpitating hues which filled up the atmosphere with
delicate, circular motions.
- Even the cold had been somewhat subdued. Its presence was still
heavy, but it had toned down its oppressiveness. It felt like
somebody's palm on the shoulder, maybe an overly concerned friend,
maybe a mere stranger offering his help after you had tripped over an
obdurate obstacle. It still bit you in the eyes, it still braced your
legs and gagged your mouth, but there was something playful to it,
almost gentle.
- The path they were following went uphill, then downhill. The chair
weighed more and more. He could barely feel his hands. They seemed to
belong to another body, far away from his, hardly responsive to his
commands. Even his thoughts evaded him, taking on such a slowness of
succession they appeared like snapshots, black-and-white outlines of
ideas in the making, or like panes of glasses hit in slow motion by
invisible projectiles which fractured them in thousands of directions,
creating exquisitely crafted patterns of dew-sprinkled cob-web like
splinters. The elation he had experienced earlier was leaving him and
leaving him empty. The beauty of the snow-covered Park oppressed him.
He was feeling out of place, out of tune almost with vehemence, as if
the cold had started hissing again in his ears, enjoining him to go
away, to clear the ground, to disappear. A sense of absolute
helplessness overcame him. He had felt the same at times with Laura.
She had been so ideal. She had been so excruciatingly all that which
he had dreamed of, when he had thought about falling in love, about
marrying and he knew he had been, for one, so inadequate, so
ineffectual. He had stood for years in awe of her, convinced that,
whatever he tried, he would never be able to give her the equivalent
of that which she tossed so negligently at his feet without seeing the
value it had for him. There had been nights the most achingly
beautiful nights of their marriage when he had not wanted to sleep
just to look at her, to fasten his eyes to the little bit of her own
eyes which he could see through the slit of her closed eyelids, under
the long wimples of her disheveled hair which glimmered like
nigrescent stars fallen from an unknown sky into his bed; just to feel
her warm skin against his bare arm, next to his chest, under his slow
breathing, and to listen to his heart heaving and burning and
trembling under the impalpable weight of the love he felt for her. She
too had loved him. He had always known it, in spite of himself. To
know it, to feel it, pertained to what and who he was. She too had
been rent asunder by their common, irretrievable failure. As he had
done, she had forced herself to tear open her own chest in order to
cut off with her hands the passion which invisibly chained them
together. Wherever she was, he could almost physically sense it, she
too was still devastated like a willow stricken by a thunderbolt,
which hides the charred wound of its hollowed trunk under the cataract
of its weeping branches.
- But love was not the answer. Love was not enough. Love was nothing.
It came and bloomed and burned and was overturned. What it held, it
necessarily let go of. What constituted it, it could not, by
definition, keep. It resembled snow on the ground: it reflected light;
it changed the appearance of everything; it bestowed magic upon the
most trivial detail and made out of it something perfect and
essential, something no one could have invented, or imagined, or
willed, yet something no one could live without then it melted,
and the ground drunk it avidly. It came and bloomed and burned but
it was the only element on the wheel which did not turn with the
wheel, which did not go away, which could not be replaced. It remained
where it had taken root and burned more, burned deeper, like a
biblical bush in a barren landscape, till the hole it had thus dug was
so deep it swallowed everything.
- Would the love he felt for David evolve the same way? Would there be
in its place, one day, some day, when he would accept that he would
indeed never see his son, an ever-growing crater slowly gulping down
his entire life, smothering it under cold ashes and vitrified rocks?
Or would the pain ease off with the passing of time? Or should he keep
love alive, always dancing and radiant and burning not matter what,
even if it implied loving unresponsive shadows, tattered ghosts, mute
imaginations; even if it meant feeding it with all he had and all he
was, like the crazed French inventor of clay glazes who had burned
even his furniture, even the floors and the beams of his house to
create beautiful, empty vessels? The earth is flat. The earth is bare.
How much more bare, and how much more flat must we make it to ease, to
forget, to abdicate the choking pain of exile and of destitution which
is our lot?
- Tears filled his eyes, forcing him to look at the world through
their irregular prisms. Dashes of blue, of emerald, of scarlet, of
saffron seemed to radiate from all over around him, turning the
scrawny silhouettes of trees into vacillating fireworks, making the
snow-covered lawns look like widths of damasked velvet scattered about
in the Forty Thieves' grotto. It was as if he had suddenly stepped
into a Persian miniature, or an icon, into a flat, but resplendent,
world where everything served a purpose, reflected an idea, opened
onto the infinity of another, more vibrant universe; where everything
existed as a sign of an ineffable reality. The air had turned into a
golden substance. Shadows of objects had taken on the deepest, richest
blue the indigo of dreams, the purple of meditations. On the path
he was following ran streaks of turquoise and opal. The wheel-chair
was a pearl studded throne where sat, under a surplice of silver
threads and a mantel of almost liquid rubies, the benevolent Patriarch
of Golconda. He shivered. He certainly had a fever: all these
trembling lights in front of his eyes, these aqueous jewels were a
mere illusion, a inane distortion of reality to which he gave in for
some cowardly sensation of comfort. The earth was flat. The earth was
bare. The earth was dark. The earth was cold. The earth was neither
hell nor paradise. It was here and now. It was covered with snow and
it was slippery. It was the see of winter, the way it had been, so
long ago, the altar of honey-sticking summer. It was meaninglessly
hurling through space. It was made of rocks and of water. The rocks
were your bread. The water was your wine. Your life was the only mass
you would ever attend. So there. Yes sir.
- He let go a second of the handles to wipe off the tears. He had
stopped on a wooden bridge, artfully arching over a frozen pond. To
his left, towers carved their tombstone-like shapes on the obstructed,
pearly sky. To his right, on the slope of a low hill, row after row of
emaciated bushes, covered in frost, silvery, glittering, looked like
tumbleweeds in a Steuben Glass display, or like hooded, unkempt
peasants fleeing the plague, rushing towards a miracle. At his feet,
frozen waters garnered the diffuse glimmer of the night as if it were
some precious, sacred essence, too costly to be allowed to trickle
down on the world in rivulets of pale light. He was exhausted. He
wanted to give up to let go and collapse on the wooden slats of
the bridge. Last summer, from the very same place where he stood, he
had spotted a white egret under the trees' and the bushes' fuzzy
swaying shade. It had remained for the longest time at the limit
between the spongy ground and the murky water on bluish, elongated
legs, its crest gently flapping in the wind, and it had seemed
oblivious of the mud which lapped at its feet. It did not know the
earth was flat or bare. For it, the earth was round and soft, a place
of profusion and of numerous scents, of crunchy insects and warm,
friendly winds. It concealed dangers behind clouds and treats in the
dark folds of the dirt. It was whole and welcoming. It was full and
indivisible. It was the necessary sum of reality.
- In the land of the lemons, there were pink flamingos, weren't there?
There were wild bulls, black as firewood soot, the white of their eyes
injected with filaments of bright blood, and wild horses neighing
among reeds. There were lynxes in the underbrush supple, subtle
animals, the furry tufts of their ears always moving, their eyes a
mobile onyx and blue falcons. There were bombyxes, bears, and
ibexes, and animals without names, animals as sleek and as impalpable
at the moonlight, as ferocious as the noonday sun, as inhuman as men.
There were animals which haunted you in your dreams and animals which
carried you to the netherworld. There were animals which brought your
prayers to God and animals astride which the Devil rode.
- In the Park, too, there were animals. He could sense them all around
him. All around him, he had caught glimpses of their movements more
fluid than shadows, of their eyes which shot flashes from across the
fields like fireflies, under the bushes. Maybe somebody had opened the
gates of the Zoo and freed its prisoners? They surrounded him. He knew
it. He was tired. They knew it. White wolves, and silver foxes, snow
rabbits and snow bantams, and polar bears, and albino manatees, their
circles closing in on him, their dances and their frolicking getting
nearer every second, until they would finally leave the shade and
surround him from all over, moving in on him in silence.
- He was so tired. Where would his mindless odyssey end? Or would it
even end?
- He wiped off his tears. In his chest too lived an animal: his heart
was leaping between his lungs like a panicked bird or a terrified
raccoon. It was frantically looking for an exit. Maybe it too heard
the call? Maybe it wanted to join the other animals, the swift
travelers of the night, the furry, silent spirits of the fields? Maybe
it would rip his chest open and fall to the ground? Maybe it was right
now clawing its way out through the muscles, and the bones, thinking
that it could put an end to its, and his, misery? He rubbed his eyes.
They burned as if they had been sanded. He opened his eyes again. They
burned even more. The ice in the air spurred them relentlessly. He
screamed.
- The wheel-chair, precariously stopped on a wooden slat, had set
itself in motion. It did not go very fast. It gently rolled, with a
gentle rumbling. When it reached the road, it gathered a little speed.
Almost nothing of a speed. A mere sigh of a push. A whiff of
acceleration. The road curved. It did not and went, ever so
gently, straight to a tree trunk, which it hit, with a whisper, and
against which it came to a noiseless halt, which a short, muted,
avalanche of snow quickly cloaked.
-
- * * * * * * *
-
- He was kneeling in the snow, by the wheel-chair and he was crying.
Tears were running down his cheeks freely. They burned. But he did not
feel them. They froze at the curve of his lips, but he did not feel
them. They fell to the snow, where they dug tiny holes, but he did not
see them. His shoulders were convulsively shaking under his sobs, yet
not a sound issued from his throat. He cried in silence. He cried with
all his heart, with all his body, with all the pain that filled his
life, and would fill his life yet he cried in silence.
- When he had rushed after the wheel-chair, it had been as if in
slow-motion. He had been acutely aware of the sudden distortion of
time. Each action of his muscles in his legs, in his back, in his
shoulder he could have described it to the last fiber, to the
weakest nervous impulse as it made its way from his brain back again
down his spine, from his spine all the way to each of the thousand of
microscopic endings of his body. He had seen the myriad of crushed
snowflakes which took flight under the soles of his shoes, how they
first rose upward in disorder, like children after school, like a
swarm of almost invisible insects in a late summer dusk, then how they
hesitated in mid-air, suspended between the sky and the ground,
uncertain, playful, filled with hope, before gently reversing their
course, giving in again to the earth's intractable gravity, falling
downward with reluctance, taking advantage of the flimsiest breath of
air to fly up again. He had seen their innumerable shadows on the
snow-covered ground where two parallel stripes ran their double
course, the crushed, yet still delicate, pattern of their shapes, the
intricate way in which each particle of ice was connected to each
other as each tried to retain in its heart a drop of light, a speck of
the transparent blueness to the night. He had experienced every
molecule of air as it had dashed down his lungs and he had been able,
for the first time, to smell the real smell of the cold the
mixture of cold things and of warmer things, of things metallic and of
things without smell which mingled with the fragrance of the wet,
chilled earth and the blunt odor of the frozen, dirty water, of the
decaying bark of the naked trees and the rum-like scent from the piles
of dead leaves at their feet.
- Finally, he had reached the wheel chair. He had thrown himself to
the ground, instinctively readying himself for a torrent of insults,
or for a slap, or for a blow. But nothing had come.
- He had looked up and smiled.
- But nothing had come.
- He had frantically cleared the snow which had fallen into the
passenger's lap, stuttering incoherent apologies. But nothing had
come.
- Then he had noticed the limp hands, on each side of the wheel-chair.
In the left one, a cigarette was slowly burning out, its ashes
trembling at the tip like a cluster of moths on the last day of
spring. In the right, gin was gurgling out from a new bottle,
splashing the snow, turning it into translucent mud. No breath was
rising from under the hood.
- So he was crying. What else was there to do? What else was there
ever to do? Run in circles, like a madman, tearing out his hair,
tearing off his clothes, screaming insanities? Kneel and pray to the
empty, dark, icy Friday night? Call for help till his voice broke?
Whomever he had been, the passenger was dead. It did not matter what
he had died of cardiac arrest when the chair had hit the tree, an
overdose of some drug he had taken earlier, the cold, the solitude,
old age. He had died of misery. Destitution had killed him. Poverty
had swallowed him up in one single gulp. Whatever the cause, he had
died. Maybe he had seen an animal and died of fright? Maybe his heart
had finally managed to escape and join the other creatures, the
dancing rabbits, the furtive wolves, the playful bears? Maybe he had
lost his way in his own meanness and forgotten to breathe while trying
to think of a new way to inflict pain?
- So he was crying because he had failed and because he had imagined
failure could be, would be, this time at least, this time at last,
avoided because he had done all that was in his power, and it had
not sufficed; because he had presumed that he could do all that was
possible and that it would mean something, that it would be enough.
But it never was. Nothing ever was. Nothing ever could be. That was
the rule. That was the destiny.
- So he was crying because he was in pain as he had never been before,
a pain so vast it was terrorizing, so immeasurable it contained the
universe and yet demanded more space, more immensity to take the full
measure of itself, a pain so shattering nothing existed, or had ever
existed, which could have provided it with a material to smash. It was
a pain without limit and without end, a cosmic wave of suffering
darkness which rolled down from its own impossibility and splashed
aimlessly against it. And yet he cried because it was not painful
enough, because, in spite of its infinity, of its bottomlessness, it
was shallow and insufficient and incomplete. The way love never
attained fullness, never became whole, never was entirely love, pain
felt the same. It hesitated on the verge of itself. It ebbed and waned
on its own shores. It trembled at its base, and vacillated and
tottered like a spinning top losing momentum and it left the heart
empty, the mind craving and crying for a fuller, more satiating,
staggering emotion.
- So he was crying over all he knew, all the was, all he had and all
he had lost. He cried over the beautiful Laura, trapped in the
perfection of her love, unable to reach out for him as he had been
unable to reach out for her, unable to accept and to face together the
insignificance of everyday life, the grotesque chores of attachment
after passion has abated; he cried for the girl from Ohio, who had
cursed another name when she was asleep, and for Ann, who was so
afraid to love, so afraid of being loved she had turned herself into a
bitter-hearted, overweight astrologer for imagined twin souls; he
cried for his mother, who had thought she could go on with hatred
alone, a hatred so refined, so purified, so keen it glowed around her
like a saint's halo, but had gradually driven from her the people whom
she needed to hate; he cried for David, who would think himself
forthright enough to carry the torch his father had so miserably
dropped in the snow, who would think that love meant something, or
indifference meant something, that action, or inaction, led you out of
your misery; for David, whose eyes would soon glow with a radiant,
bright, warm contempt for the ones who had gone before him, for the
ones who were going around him, and who, too, would meet his undoing
tonight, or tomorrow, or the year after next; for David who would see
his hopes loom over his life like Mount Taiwan over a Ch'An monk,
beaming in the ethereal light of marvelous promises, and who then
would see them gradually turn into caricatures of themselves, to dusty
ghosts, to the rotting, dissatisfying remembrances of things
unaccomplished; for David who would end the way his father was coming
to an end tonight, neither here nor there, neither near nor far, but
on the very same spot of the very same earth, his throat lacerated by
sobs, his mind hungering for a fuller, more complete, more fervid
emotion, for a feeling that could be for the mind and the heart what
the sun was for the earth a source of light and of shadows, a
sculptor of details and of textures, a propounder of volumes and of
differences before beginning to look around for a flat and bare
place to lay down and wait for an unmerciful death; and, above all, he
cried for the passenger next to him, for this anonymous companion who
had tried to teach him something he had not suspected, or understood
the meaning of, for the old man or old woman or the young creature who
had kept concentrating on his own selfish ends, on his own narrow
urges and desires, on his expectations and his refusals but who, in
doing so, had allowed another to catch a glimpse of a second reality,
of the same reality finally basked in the rich, profuse, fragrant
light of justification but who had, no more than anyone before or
after him, been able to forge and to give up the keys opening the door
which lead to this light, for he had died remembering that there was
no door separating these realities, that there was no other light than
that of the sun which gleamed dimly, one day at a time, above a flat
and bare earth.
- His head fell into the passenger's lap, then slid and banged against
the tree trunk. It banged another time against it, and yet another
time. Soon, it started hitting it with a mechanical regularity, with
even thuds which the snow gently received in its muteness, and hushed,
and sheathed in silence. There was nothing else to do. The only thing
you could do, if you felt so inclined, was to mark, with a regular
thump, the monotonous passage of time, the coalescing of instants into
seconds, of minutes into centuries, like little balls of quick silver
running their haphazard courses across the threadbare carpet of time.
You could cry, if you knew how. You could mark time by counting your
tears. You could pray, if there was a God for you, marking time with
each bead of your rosary. But you could not escape the clanging noise
of its passing, the wringing nausea which such a spectacle provoked.
- Above his head, as it beat on the tree, icicles gently quivered and
tinkled. A beam of light coming from nowhere grazed their tips and
seemed to vibrate along with their uncertain melody. Some looked like
sections of vines, some like tails for glass animals on a Diamond Lane
shelf. Some were shaped like daggers, some like capsized towers. One
was bluish, two others had almost no color. One was enormous, almost
as large at the branch it hung from. It had been formed by the
drippings from a puddle, gathered there since last November, at the
fork of two heavy limbs. It had taken a long while, to collect, then
to fashion, such a mass of ice, neither too ponderous to break free
from its branch and crash to the ground, nor too light to perform the
duty it had been assigned since the beginning of time. It had not
melted totally during the slight warm up which had followed the week's
last chill. A large chunk of it had remained in place, shielded from
the sun by a clump of tenacious leaves and by the shadow of a cornice
on a nearby building on Central Park West. It was massive but not
without grace, ominous yet unthreatening. It looked like an ornament
for the robe of Oberon, or like a pointed leaf from Prospero's island.
It bade its time, as it had been told until its time arrived.
- Now the time had come indeed. Left to its own devices, the soul
which was writhing in the throes of despair at the foot of the tree
from which hung the instrument of its eternal redemption, would be
lost forever. It would forsake what was good in it, and become blinded
by what was unsatisfactory in it. It would not find the strength to
curse, or to rise against its Creator for such strength and such
conviction are rare in this world. It would merely weaken more and
more, until it was unable to distinguish itself from the objects which
surrounded it, from the frozen water next to it, or the metal of the
wheel chair which burned the tip of its fingers, from the drenched
fabric of its clothing, and from the feverish imaginations it
entertained. It had to be helped. It had to be given a light push in
the right direction. After all, it had done was what expected of it
not too much of it, barely enough perhaps, but not so little
either that it did not deserve a reward.
- As the Father and the Son, seated on their thrones of glory, adored
by the seraphs and the powers, the cherubs and the archangels, a
merciful smile on their half parted lips, were looking benignly down
on the Creation which tinkled, gleamed and shivered in the majestic
folds of their azure cloaks, the Dove, hovering in the millions of
unwavering rays streaming out of the crowns of their heads, opened his
divine wings and imperceptibly touched the base of the icicle. It
quivered. It pulsated. Thousands of fluttering lights began flaring in
its translucent trunk, myriads of pellucid rainbows throbbed in
circular motions within its walls. Soon, it was glowing like the first
moon of April over new wheat, like a cloudless sky over thyme-covered
hills. Its radiance increased. It shone like the sun of July. The
whole universe did not have a star, or a comet, or any celestial body
which could rival the radiance which emanated from it. No human
language comprised enough words, and precise enough terms, to speak of
its colors and of the fusing and separating of its colors, as they
mingled into one, single, absolute hue of sheer brilliance, only to
cleave again into millions of droplets of precious shades and tints.
It reduced sorrow and grief to shafts of its own brightness. It
scintillated like tears of gratitude in a friend's eyes. It burned
like the fire of love over an adolescent heart.
- The man had stopped crying. He had stopped banging his head on the
trunk of the tree. A trickle of blood mixed with pulpy tree bark was
quickly coagulating on his forehead. Snow melted on his cheeks, in his
hands, on his back, sprinkling them with constellations of quickly
dissolving beads. He looked puzzled. He cast a quick circular glance
around him, as if he was expecting some unseen assailant to jump upon
him at any moment from behind a white wolf, a snow owl, a polar
bear. Then he listened intently to the sounds of the night, the
drip-dropping of icy water at the tip of faraway branches, the muffled
crackling of ice over the pond, the taffeta-like rustle of the snow as
it caved in under its own weight. A smile came to play on his chapped
lips. His eyes brightened. Without standing up, he slowly opened his
arms to an invisible newcomer. His lips trembled. A lump of snow fell
from his head. He shouted David? as if in disbelief. He repeated
David?, his voice breaking from overjoy. Then he screamed David!
as he tensed his legs to jump up.
- At that very moment, he noticed the snow around him, how it shone,
how it seemed to let through, coming from below and not from above,
the reverberating marvel of an aurora borealis. He heard a crack above
his head. He stopped for a fraction of a second and, for a fraction of
a second, as if to look up at the sky, as if to ask the stars for a
confirmation of what he was seeing and hearing, he lifted his head
upward as had been hoped, from the beginning of time, he would do.
Then, as had been planned from the beginning of time, as the Father
and the Son and the Holy Spirit smiled compassionately over the world
they had created and were willing at every second of its existence, as
they stood in the brilliance of their own, irretrievable grace,
surrounded and encased by the effulgence of their commiseration and
their deathless love, the Father's and the Son's fingers raised to
forgive and grant and bless, the Dove's wings extended and fluttering
to protect and welcome, the icicle left the branch and, with a
slightly hissing sound, plunged straight toward his heart, where it
entered almost effortlessly.
|