David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

Your wet humor warehouse on the Web

An irregular publication

Issue number: 12

Posted on: December 25th, 1998

The next issue will appear, like clockwork, some time in January.

This issue: Arts and Leisure



Cuditarian Restaurant Opens in Paris


         Nutritionists have long recognized that a vegetarian diet is generally healthier than a meat-based diet.  Some even claim that the human digestive system is more naturally disposed to digesting vegetables than meat.  Still, we lack one important feature: the ability to break down cellulose.  Plant-eating mammals, like cows, accomplish this by chewing and re-chewing their food until the cellulose fibers become digestible.
         Now, at last humans can enjoy the pleasure, or at least the fuller nutrition, formerly available only to members of the ruminant suborder.  Yes, recuperated cud is now available in health food stores.  "This is cud that has been recovered from organically-raised cattle, then purified, disinfected, pasteurized, strained, filtered, and wormed.  Oh yeah, and rinsed," explained George B. Chaw of Flavour & Pleasure Ltd., the Amsterdam-based corporation that markets pre-packaged recuperated cud under the "Wooden Chew" brand.  "Mixed with water and pressed, it forms a semi-soft, gelatinous mass that many people say tastes like tofu," continued Chaw. "Mostly these are people who've never eaten tofu before."  Details on the recuperation process were available, but our reporter was unable to continue taking notes.
         And now cud fanciers have their own restaurant in Paris: Rechux opened its doors last week to a standing-looking-at-a-passing-train-room-only crowd eager to sample cud-based cuisine.  Taking advantage of his restaurant's propitious location across the alley from the back doors of the 6th arrondissement's municipal maternity hospital, the renowned Irish-Egyptian vegetarian chef Herb O'Said offers up an enticing house specialty of Placenta-Cud Loaf, priced at a modest $16.95 for all you can eat, which tends to make it quite a bargain for the house.  Organic food specialist Baron Fields has called it "the best dish I've ever had help eating."
Rechux, 119 Rue de Boci, Paris 6.

Open seven days a week, daylight hours only.  Tel. 42 24 23 22.



Purebeat Stars do Christmas Favorites

        For those of you who are not yet aware of this latest development in the splintering of popular music into ever-smaller but increasingly vehement sub-cults, the trend that started with "disco" in the 70's and transmuted through "house" in the 80's and then "techno" in the 90's has now reached its logical culmination in what is being called "purebeat" music.  Purebeat is techno stripped of the final remaining vestiges of melody, harmony, lyrics and even rhythmic variation, leaving nothing but a steady, relentless bass drum pulsing away at precisely 112 beats per minute at an invariable volume of ear-splitting.  Different numbers are distinguished only by subtle nuances of tone color in the bass drum sound (synthesized, of course) and the quality of the reverb.  As one die-hard aficionado put it, "It may sound monotonous to you, but when you're really, really into purebeat, you start to, like, like, like, understand the real differences between different artists and different songs.  Kind of.  Of.  Of.  Of.  Of.  Of."
        Besides posing some thorny but lucrative problems for copyright lawyers, this new school of not very much thought lends itself equally well (or badly) to virtually any type of music.  Thus it came as no surprise when purebeat's premier record label, The Indifferent Drummer, released this special year-end 4 CD box set featuring the cream of its stable of composers, or rather musicians, or rather drummers, or rather DJs, or rather programmers, or rather sound engineers doing traditional Christmas carols.  A company spokesman said that they hope to repeat the success of last year's best-selling version of the soundtrack from "The Sound of Music" as performed by the stars of heavy metal (Metallica's "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?" topped the charts for eight weeks and sold 11 million copies).
        In "A Purebeat Christmas", fans can sing -- or more likely tap -- along to purebeat versions of "Silent Night", "The Little Drummer Boy", "Adeste Fidelis" and a rousing medley of arias from "The Messiah".  25% of the proceeds from sales of the disk will be donated to a fund for the victims of cardiac arryhthmia.
A Purebeat Christmas

The Indifferent Drummer, 4CD set, $16.95



Disney Studios to Release Mega-Series

of Animated Classics for Children

       Encouraged by its success with the adaptation of  Victor Hugo's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" and the Biblical epic "Prince of Egypt", Walt Disney studios has announced plans to produce an entire series of great books in animated versions for young children.  The five-year project will begin in mid-1999 with the release of "Justine",  based on Sade's classic, recounting the misadventures of a sweet-natured but hapless French girl and her rambunctious sidekick Marky.  Then at Christmas time next year youngsters will be able to see the Disney version of "The Gulag Archipelago",  currently in development with the working title "Ally Goes to Camp".
        Other great classics slated to receive the Disney treatment include "The Grapes of Wrath", "Finnegan's Wake", a return to the Bible with "The Book of Job", and a trilogy based on the works of Ernest Hemingway, with the titles updated to appeal to today's young audiences: "The Sun Rises Too",  "Bye-Bye Arms" and "Who the Bell Tolls For".


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 ©1998 by David Jaggard.  All rights reserved worldwide.