Issue number: 14
Posted on: February 11th, 1999
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The next issue will appear, like clockwork, some time pretty soon.
File under: Wet Humor
SPECIAL DOUBLE ISSUE:
SPORTS AND HISTORY
Atlanta out-gunned Toronto on Thursday with an all-out head-on blow-up as left-hander Wright Ander shut down sixteen of Toronto's star blasters with his much-dreaded side-winding back-sliding upper-plater for seven and three after only four go-arounds while Toronto's Blake hung fourteen top-spinners across the firing line for six one-baggers, five two-seaters, four triple-deckers and seven long-haul round-tripper quadruple by-passes, putting the tally sheet at eight and six for three after five front-loaders and four side-steppers, to bring Atlanta's ranking in the league's roster to six and oh and seven and seventeen and seventeen and seventeen and oh and oh and uh-oh what the hell sport am I talking about anyway?
Yesterday's Games at a Glance
a roundup of the results of yesterday's pro action:
San Francisco Beats Phoenix
Denver Whips Kansas City
St Louis Trounces Chicago
Baltimore Urges Boston to "Pick Two",
Delivers Painful Blow to Eyes
Houston Kicks Sand in New York's Face,
Runs Off With Girl
Philadelphia Lures Washington off Edge of Cliff,
Washington Falls Only After Realizing That It is Over Gaping Void,
Appears Miraculously Unhurt Just Seconds Later
Milwaukee Massacres Miami
Detroit Maims Los Angeles
Cleveland Disjoints Dallas
Minneapolis Strangles New Orleans in Fit of Passion,
Cuts Corpse into Small Pieces with Electric Carving Knife,
Leaves Head in Gym Bag in Bus Station Locker
Body of Oakland Found Lying Dead in Pool of Blood,
Pittsburgh Convicted of Manslaughter in Montreal Case,
Execution by Lethal Injection Set for July 22nd
... and now on to Cricket:
The New Zealand All-Johns met the Tasmania No-Bobs on Thursday for their annual exhibition test match in Christchurch. The starting lineup for the All-Johns was:
Jacky "J.J." St John
John "John-John" John
The teams took the field. The national
anthems were played. Hands were shaken all around. A coin was
flipped. The athletes took their positions for the start of play.
The crowd roared. The excitement mounted. The tension became
unbearable. Children cried. Fourteen women and twelve men fainted and had
to be hospitalized. A speeding car careened around a corner in a crowded
market, upsetting a fruit cart. After what seemed an eternity, the
whistle blew. A stout, hulking, ferocious brute seized the bat with the
lust for victory burning in his eyes. Only then was it remembered that
you need eleven on a side to play cricket and there were only eight on each
team. The game was canceled. A siren blew faintly in the
distance. Somewhere, a dog barked.
The International Olympic Committee announced on Thursday that a new event called the Centathlon will be included in the 2000 Olympic Games in Sydney, Australia. After the Biathlon (skiing, shooting), the Triathlon (cycling, swimming, running), the Pentathlon (discus tossing, shotput chucking, javelin heaving, hammer hurling, lunch launching) the Septathlon (name licensing, product endorsing, money earning, drug buying, arrest resisting, plea bargaining, time doing) and the Decathlon (jogging, running, dashing, sprinting, sweating, panting, faltering, falling, fainting, dying), the Centathlon is considered by many to be the "ultimate sport". While Decathlon contestants are known as "iron men", Centathlon contestants are known as "iron men with a lot of spare time, if you ask us International Olympic Committee members".
Contestants compete in a rapid and uninterrupted succession of competitions of escalating difficulty. The events, or "thlons" as they are called, start with thumb wrestling, arm wrestling, leg wrestling, a walking race, a sack race, running, hurdling, high jumping, pole vaulting, cliff diving and getting shot from a cannon. The competition continues with a 500-mile unicycle race (No.27), a backwards three-legged marathon (No.58) and five-mile bungee jumping from an F-16 (No.82), finally culminating in No.100, the most grueling trial of all: each contestant smokes a joint and then has to talk to his mother on the phone. In case of a tie, the winner is decided by paper-rock-scissors (best two out of three).
And now, a look back at:
Significant events that took place during the second week of February throughout history:
February 12th, 11,000,000,002 BC: Big Bang occurs. Universe comes into being.
February 13th, 11,000,000,002 BC: "Three-Card Monte" invented.
February 9th, 25,117 BC: Lascaux cave paintings completed.
February 10th, 25,117 BC: Mysterious inscription is scratched in stone at mouth of cave in Lascaux, later to be deciphered by archaeologists as saying "I don't know a lot about bison, but I know what I like and my 4-year-old son can paint better than that."
February 12th, 10,955 BC: Migration of first Indian tribe across Siberian land bridge. Inuit chief gets to northern Alaska, sees snow and ice to the vanishing point, nothing but raw seal fat to eat, says to tribe "Let's stay here!"
February 13th, 10,953 BC: Mutinous former Inuit tribesmen arrive in Acapulco, discover white sand beaches, gold, chocolate and cheap, delicious Mexican food, found what will later become the Aztec Empire. They are believed to have brought the ritual of human sacrifice with them.
February 10th, 5,357 BC: Wheel invented in cradle of civilization, Mesopotamia.
February 14th, 5,357 BC: Blue dashboard light invented, Mesopotamia.
February 14th, 5,356 BC: First overpopulation crisis in human history, Mesopotamia. Forced migration spreads civilization to Egypt and Mediterranean basin.
February 8th, 4,101 BC: In Greece, 9-year-old Homer plays with a stick, pokes out both eyes, is blinded. Decides to devote his life to poetry instead of soccer.
February 8th, 4,071 BC: Homer's mother dies. Last words: "But would he listen?"
February 11th, 1419 BC: Curse of Tutankhamen pronounced. Egyptologists later determine that the young king's exact words were: "Fer Ra's sake, where did I leave my goddamn sandals?!"
February 9th, 236 BC: Rosetta Stone carved in Luxor. First known use of rhymes "love/above", "world/girl" and "arms/charms".
February 11th, 157 BC: First public pay toilet in history opens in ancient Rome.
February 12th, 157 BC: Wisenus Himerus of Pompeii writes poem "Here sit I, broken of heart..."
February 8th, 30 AD: Christ of Nazareth dies. Career takes off. Ancient Roman publicity agents take note.
February 10th, 30 AD: Larry Digliani of Tuscany hits thumb with bronze hammer, becomes the first to say "Jesus H. Christ!"
February 10th, 30 AD: Larry's brother Curly becomes the first to ask "What does the 'H' stand for?"
February 9th, 455: Aztec descendants of mutinous former Inuit tribesmen discover marijuana, coca and peyote.
February 12th, 456: Aztec descendants of mutinous former Inuit tribesmen invent the street corner so that they have somewhere to stand around aimlessly with their shoulders hunched. Also invent the pocket so they have somewhere to shove their hands.
February 11th, 1094: Toilet invented, Europe.
February 11th, 1095: Rise of the ideal of chivalry in Europe.
February 11th, 1096: Knights, tired of hearing their wives say "If you're so freakin' chivalrous why can't you put the damn toilet seat back down once in a while?", depart on First Crusade. Irish squire Peter O'Noiyudoughnt invents chastity belt just before departure.
February 8th, 1097: Enraged, sex-starved European knights arrive in the Holy Land, discover it entirely undefended and nearly uninhabited. They conquer Jerusalem, kill entire remaining population, raze every building to the ground, poison the wells and sow salt. Only surviving Muslim, Hassam Sudein, claims victory.
February 9th, 1098: Knights return to Europe, find population has doubled in their absence and Moorish peddlers swarming the continent selling "Sudein's E-Z Pickin's Skeleton Key" at wholesale prices. They invent the iron maiden and leave, in a huff, on the Second Crusade.
February 14th, 1454: Marriage of Tomas de Torquemada to Prudence Chastity Locklips in Madrid, Spain.
February 13th, 1455: Mrs Torquemada refuses for the 364th time to perform oral sex.
February 14th, 1455: Spanish Inquisition begins.
February 10th, 1789: Guillotine invented in France as "humane means of execution".
February 11th, 1789: Squeegee mop, rubber gloves and boots, paper towels and the expression "Eeiuw, gross!" invented in France. Heated debate begins as to whether the severed head sees the basket coming towards it.
February 8th, 1888: Eastman-Kodak company introduces first hand-held camera for the general public.
February 9th, 1888: Alex Marte coins the phrase "Take a picture, it'll last longer!"
February 11th, 1936: Kurt Schrift of Orange, New Jersey becomes first person to put a tennis ball on a trailer hitch.
February 10th, 1984: "This letter has been around the world 19 times" chain letter written in Las Vegas by Lotta and Pierre Stime, asking each recipient to send it out to 20 other people in the hope of receiving some kind of vague "good luck" in return.
February 10th, 1985: Every single person in the entire world has received the "This letter has been around the world 19 times" chain letter at least three times by now. Forest reserves severely depleted on every continent.
February 10th, 1986: Personal computers and modems begin to proliferate rapidly, eventually giving nearly everyone access to the Internet.
February 10th, 2005: Entire Internet network breaks down due to overload of attached files. Investigation reveals that 87% of them are text files that begin: "This letter has been around the world 19 times"
Special Last-Minute Flash:
We've all been warned by now of the risks of the so-called "Y2K bug"
whereby starting on January 1st, 2000, your computer will think that it is in
the previous century. The Institute for Scaring You Stiff About Stuff
That Might Turn Out to Be Inconsequential But We Get Such a Kick Out of the
Look on Your Face announced on Thursday that another, hitherto unsuspected
problem might also be lurking in many computers' operating systems.
Called the "Y1.999K bug" because it can manifest itself at any time,
this bug not only causes computers to think that they are in the previous
century, it also causes them to think that they are manual typewriters.
The symptoms of "Y1.999K" can be seen in files of text documents made on the affected computer. These include:
Indentations made with spaces instead of tabs
Entire tables made with spaces or, in less severe cases, default tabs
Page breaks made with repeated carriage returns
Failure to use spell checks or other simple utilities
Work done directly on a floppy disk and/or with no backup copy
In the worst cases, it can also cause computer owners to think that their computers can think. These manifestations affect the owners themselves, or sometimes people in their families. The warning signs are:
The belief that a computer is literally some kind
of "electric brain" that can answer any question;
The belief that for every computer sold, someone, somewhere, loses his or her job;
The belief that you have to know "a lot of math" to use a computer;
The conviction that the Internet is just one big pornography ring;
is no remedy for this bug. As a spokesperson for the Institute explained,
"It's comparable to a horse with a broken leg or a person who has
willingly seen 'Cats' more than once. There's nothing anybody can do, and
in most cases the computer, and its owner, must simply be 'put down'."
If you suspect that you might be suffering from the Y1.999 bug,
please dial this toll-free number:
¨©1999 by David Jaggard. All rights reserved worldwide.