Issue number: 17
Posted on: May 3rd,
1999
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Dear Sirs:
OK, we admit it:
we were wrong. Yes, we were just plain wrong for all those years, 1945 to
1989. The entire Cold War period -- four and one-half long decades
of wrong, wrong, wrong.
There, we said it. Happy now?
Signed,
Everybody who ever actually believed that the "commies" were making a
genuine effort to take over the United States and the rest of the free world by
using such devious, effective and time-tested tactics as water fluoridation,
sex education and popular song lyrics
Dear Sirs:
We sure do miss
those good old Cold War days, though. Know why? Cause it's a whole
lot easier to think that some remote foreign government is out to get you -- a power you
don't really know anything about. This thinking that our own popularly
elected government is out to get us is real hard work sometimes.
Signed,
Everyone described in the previous letter, plus the next two
Dear Sirs:
The other night we
were having a meeting, listening to inflammatory speeches, shouting hackneyed
slogans and generally preaching to the converted when one of the guys (Chud?
Gazzler? I can't remember who) pointed out that as far as he knew not one of us
had ever been to college. We started checking around and sure enough, not
only were none of us college material, most of us had just barely made it
through high school. Then we realized: there wasn't one really
intelligent person in our entire organization! So we decided to disband.
Haha! Just kidding! So
we decided to make up some fatuous rationalization about how the current
educational system tends to alienate "free-thinking" people like us
and to keep right on being the same old hot-headed assholes we always have
been, only more so.
Be seein' ya!
Signed,
One half of the combined memberships of all groups espousing racial and/or
religious intolerance or which seem to think that the Bill of Rights was
written specifically to protect their right to violate your rights
PS: Ever notice how if you say something real loud with a
menacing look on your face people tend to agree with you no matter how
illogical and unfounded your statement might be? Try it sometime.
Dear Sirs:
Hey, we're not so
smart either. Not only that, but most of us don't even understand, let
alone believe in, half the socio-political crapola that we're constantly
spouting off. Truth be told, the majority of our members have no
particular political leanings one way or the other. We just like
violence. Everybody likes something, and we like hurting people.
And since it's no fun hurting each other, we gotta come up with some kind of
pretense to hurt somebody we don't know. Don't we? So there you
have it.
Signed,
The other half of the combined memberships of the above-mentioned groups, plus
the violence-prone soccer fans of Northern Europe
PS: Do we know you?
Dear Sirs:
We're sick and
tired of you making fun of us.
If you make up just one more letter
ridiculing any member of any of our organizations, we cannot be held
responsible for our actions.
You've been warned.
Signed,
Everyone mentioned in all of the above letters
Dear Sirs:
The weather's been
pretty good. A little rain, but not too bad. Yesterday afternoon
some friends came over and we watched TV. There was nothing good
on. Then we all went to the mall. It took ten minutes to find a
parking place!
Last night we had spaghetti for
dinner. We were out of Parmesan cheese so we had to use grated
Swiss. It was OK. Still, we like it better with Parmesan.
I guess this isn't all that
interesting to you, but it's really about all we have to talk about and it's
good enough for us.
Signed,
All the boring people in the world
Dear Sirs:
All right, that
does it.
We're going to count to three.
Signed,
Chud, Gazzler and all the guys
Dear Sirs:
I think that part
of the explanation is that a lot of us were raised in strict religious families
or had some big authoritative figure controlling our lives, like maybe a
domineering parent. Then we grew up, left home, left the church or
whatever, and once out on our own we didn't know what to do to fill that
"authority gap" in our lives. That's when we started latching
onto whatever irrational belief we happened to stumble across first.
That's not really so bad, is it?
Signed,
Everyone who earnestly believes in astrology, numerology, the power of
crystals, past lives or alien presence on Earth, or who claims to be able to
see people's auras.
PS: Is it?
Dear Sirs:
One.
Signed,
Us again
PS: Don't make
us mad.
Dear Sirs:
How many more
innocent young people must die in senseless schoolhouse massacres before
America wakes up and faces its most pressing problem? Our politicians
offer palliatives without confronting the real issue, but meanwhile the answer
is staring us right in the face. Let's admit it here and now: the United
States has too many schools!
Congress must urgently pass and
enforce far-reaching, strongly-worded legislation limiting the number of
schools in this country and reducing the number of required attendance days to
the strict minimum. Until then, our youth, our hope -- yea, the very
future of our country -- is in grave danger.
Signed,
The pupils of every grade school, middle school, junior high and high school in
the US
PS: Hey, did you like that "yea" bit?
Classy, huh? Picked that up in European History last semester.
Dear Sirs:
Gee it's too bad
what's going on in Kosovo. Not to mention Afghanistan, Algeria, Burma,
China, Indonesia, Iraq, Liberia, Malaysia, North Korea, Rwanda, Sierra Leone,
Sudan and Tibet. And Russia has some pretty bad problems too.
But hey. We're OK. As
long as we're OK, that's the main thing. Right?
Signed,
The Entire Population of Oklahoma
Dear Sirs:
Two.
Signed,
You-know-who
PS: You are really pushing it, buddy.
Dear Sirs:
Let's just get one
thing straight here. We got all the answers. We love our way of
life because it is quite simply superior. Our language is the best in the
world and we speak it with the correct accent. Our political beliefs are the
only ones that hold any water at all. We know how to dress properly, what
kind of food is best, how to cook it right and how to eat it with good manners.
Our nation has the most beautiful
cities and the most beautiful countrysides in the world. Come to that, it
has the best-looking people too. Also, we're the only ones who know how
to have good clean fun without bothering anyone else.
If only everyone would just do
things our way, there wouldn't be all this trouble in the world.
Signed,
The Entire Population of the Earth
PS: Our religion is the right one, too.
Dear Sirs:
[Editor's note: David seems to have disappeared. His
door was left wide open and his computer was on, with this article in the
printer. Looked like he had to leave in a hurry. Place was busted
up pretty bad, too. Hmmm. I hope I can find him in time for the
next issue.]
©1999 by David Jaggard. All rights reserved worldwide.