David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

an irregular publication

Issue number: 17

Posted on: May 3rd, 1999

This site can also be accessed through the more wieldy url: http://choppingedge.com/quorum

The next issue will appear, like clockwork, some time pretty soon.

File under: Wet Humor



 

This Issue: Mailbag

 

 

Dear Sirs:

        OK, we admit it: we were wrong.  Yes, we were just plain wrong for all those years, 1945 to 1989.  The entire Cold War period -- four and one-half long decades of wrong, wrong, wrong.
        There, we said it.  Happy now?
 

Signed,
Everybody who ever actually believed that the "commies" were making a genuine effort to take over the United States and the rest of the free world by using such devious, effective and time-tested tactics as water fluoridation, sex education and popular song lyrics

 

Dear Sirs:

        We sure do miss those good old Cold War days, though.  Know why?  Cause it's a whole lot easier to think that some remote foreign government is out to get you -- a power you don't really know anything about.  This thinking that our own popularly elected government is out to get us is real hard work sometimes.
 

Signed,
Everyone described in the previous letter, plus the next two

 

Dear Sirs:

        The other night we were having a meeting, listening to inflammatory speeches, shouting hackneyed slogans and generally preaching to the converted when one of the guys (Chud? Gazzler? I can't remember who) pointed out that as far as he knew not one of us had ever been to college.  We started checking around and sure enough, not only were none of us college material, most of us had just barely made it through high school.  Then we realized: there wasn't one really intelligent person in our entire organization!  So we decided to disband.
        Haha!  Just kidding!  So we decided to make up some fatuous rationalization about how the current educational system tends to alienate "free-thinking" people like us and to keep right on being the same old hot-headed assholes we always have been, only more so.
        Be seein' ya!

Signed,
One half of the combined memberships of all groups espousing racial and/or religious intolerance or which seem to think that the Bill of Rights was written specifically to protect their right to violate your rights
 

PS: Ever notice how if you say something real loud with a menacing look on your face people tend to agree with you no matter how illogical and unfounded your statement might be?  Try it sometime.
 

Dear Sirs:

        Hey, we're not so smart either.  Not only that, but most of us don't even understand, let alone believe in, half the socio-political crapola that we're constantly spouting off.  Truth be told, the majority of our members have no particular political leanings one way or the other.  We just like violence.  Everybody likes something, and we like hurting people.  And since it's no fun hurting each other, we gotta come up with some kind of pretense to hurt somebody we don't know.  Don't we?  So there you have it.

Signed,
The other half of the combined memberships of the above-mentioned groups, plus the violence-prone soccer fans of Northern Europe
 

PS: Do we know you?
 
 

Dear Sirs:

        We're sick and tired of you making fun of us.
        If you make up just one more letter ridiculing any member of any of our organizations, we cannot be held responsible for our actions.
        You've been warned.
 

Signed,
Everyone mentioned in all of the above letters

 

Dear Sirs:

        The weather's been pretty good.  A little rain, but not too bad.  Yesterday afternoon some friends came over and we watched TV.  There was nothing good on.  Then we all went to the mall.  It took ten minutes to find a parking place!
        Last night we had spaghetti for dinner.  We were out of Parmesan cheese so we had to use grated Swiss.  It was OK.  Still, we like it better with Parmesan.
        I guess this isn't all that interesting to you, but it's really about all we have to talk about and it's good enough for us.
 

Signed,
All the boring people in the world

 

Dear Sirs:

        All right, that does it.
        We're going to count to three.
 

Signed,
Chud, Gazzler and all the guys

 

Dear Sirs:

        I think that part of the explanation is that a lot of us were raised in strict religious families or had some big authoritative figure controlling our lives, like maybe a domineering parent.  Then we grew up, left home, left the church or whatever, and once out on our own we didn't know what to do to fill that "authority gap" in our lives.  That's when we started latching onto whatever irrational belief we happened to stumble across first.
        That's not really so bad, is it?
 

Signed,
Everyone who earnestly believes in astrology, numerology, the power of crystals, past lives or alien presence on Earth, or who claims to be able to see people's auras.

PS: Is it?
 

 
Dear Sirs:

        One.
 

Signed,
Us again

 

        PS: Don't make us mad.
 

 
Dear Sirs:

        How many more innocent young people must die in senseless schoolhouse massacres before America wakes up and faces its most pressing problem?  Our politicians offer palliatives without confronting the real issue, but meanwhile the answer is staring us right in the face.  Let's admit it here and now: the United States has too many schools!
        Congress must urgently pass and enforce far-reaching, strongly-worded legislation limiting the number of schools in this country and reducing the number of required attendance days to the strict minimum.  Until then, our youth, our hope --
yea, the very future of our country -- is in grave danger.
 

Signed,
The pupils of every grade school, middle school, junior high and high school in the US
 

PS: Hey, did you like that "yea" bit?  Classy, huh?  Picked that up in European History last semester.
 

Dear Sirs:

        Gee it's too bad what's going on in Kosovo.  Not to mention Afghanistan, Algeria, Burma, China, Indonesia, Iraq, Liberia, Malaysia, North Korea, Rwanda, Sierra Leone, Sudan and Tibet.  And Russia has some pretty bad problems too.
        But hey.  We're OK.  As long as we're OK, that's the main thing.  Right?

Signed,
The Entire Population of Oklahoma

 

Dear Sirs:

        Two.
 

Signed,
You-know-who

 

PS: You are really pushing it, buddy.
 
 

Dear Sirs:

        Let's just get one thing straight here.  We got all the answers.  We love our way of life because it is quite simply superior.  Our language is the best in the world and we speak it with the correct accent. Our political beliefs are the only ones that hold any water at all.  We know how to dress properly, what kind of food is best, how to cook it right and how to eat it with good manners.
        Our nation has the most beautiful cities and the most beautiful countrysides in the world.  Come to that, it has the best-looking people too.  Also, we're the only ones who know how to have good clean fun without bothering anyone else.
        If only everyone would just do things our way, there wouldn't be all this trouble in the world.

Signed,
The Entire Population of the Earth
 

PS: Our religion is the right one, too.
 

Dear Sirs:

[Editor's note: David seems to have disappeared.  His door was left wide open and his computer was on, with this article in the printer.  Looked like he had to leave in a hurry.  Place was busted up pretty bad, too.  Hmmm.  I hope I can find him in time for the next issue.]



  
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 ¨©1999 by David Jaggard.  All rights reserved worldwide.