David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

Writing well is the best revenge

This issue posted on: June 23rd, 1998

Next issue on: July 10th

Or: Thereabouts

Introducing:

an on-line warning system for the benefit of readers who happen to be my mother

WARNING! This article has been found to contain the following:

Strong Language:
X Bad words
X Really bad words

Substance abuse:
_ Legal
_ Controlled
_ Moderate
_ Excessive

Naked consenting adults:
_ Vertical
_ Horizontal
_ Kinetic

This Issue: The News

State Outlaws Discrimination on Basis of Personality

The Wisconsin legislature has passed a new law making it illegal for any employer, educational institution or landlord operating within its borders to "discriminate against any person on the basis of race, sex, age, religion, sexual orientation, physical disability, physical appearance, smell or the condition of being a complete and irredeemable fuckhead." The bill is the payoff after years of lobbying by the American Society of Shit-Heels Obviously Lacking Equal Status. The group's president Max Gluteus commented, "This is a great triumph for a bunch of jerks like us. Every other special interest group is getting plenty of equal protection under the law and truckloads of money in court settlements except us. We've been fired from jobs, turned down for dates, refused service in restaurants and cut out of wills all just because we're a little hard to get along with. Well, OK, we're a lot hard to get along with, but only for about two-thirds of every day."
According to the law's backers, people with repellent personalities can't help their temperaments any more than they can help their sex or race. Gluteus reported plans to file "a class-action suit on behalf of all the tuckwads, dickweeds, harridans, scolds, shrews and prize sons-of-bitches everywhere who have been cut out of the loop and prevented from having happy lives merely on the basis of their rotten attitudes, short fuses and big mouths." Gluteus does not anticipate any problem in getting a lawyer to take the case. He went on to explain some of the new law's ramifications: "Think how many times you've heard someone described as 'Not so good-looking, but with a really nice personality'. Well, no longer -- that's offensive to us and is no more acceptable than calling someone 'Not so good-looking, but really Protestant'. And don't go calling us 'jerks' any more either. From now on it's 'socially daunting'." Gluteus concluded by adding that he "can't wait to sue and get my old job back at the Department of Motor Vehicles."

Las Vegas Bookies Cash in on Asteroid

Even though the latest reports by astronomers put the odds of the mile-wide asteroid designated "1997 XF11" hitting the earth in October 2028 at "effectively zero", betting on the celestial event is continuing hard and heavy in Las Vegas, Macao, London and other gambling meccas around the world. Punters seem to be attracted by the tremendous odds being offered. Bookies in Nevada are willing to pay off 500,000,000 to 1 if the asteroid hits the Earth, causes nuclear winter and wipes out all traces of human life. As one high-rolling regular at Circus Circus commented, "It's a long shot. But if it comes in, with a lousy one dollar bet I'll be able to retire in style and take it easy. I swear, if I win this one, I'll never gamble again."
All eyes seem to be on the Jet Propulsion Lab in nearby Pasadena, California, as gamblers in Las Vegas are eagerly watching to see if any statements by NASA's researchers might affect the odds or give some scrap of inside information. Asked whether any NASA employees were getting in on the action, a spokesperson for the nation's aerospace agency said, "I can't vouch for everyone, but I doubt that any NASA personnel would be putting money down on this. Keep in mind that we are, after all, rocket scientists."

Splice Girls to Take the Stage in 2020

     Unchallenging music magnate Andrew Lloyd Webber announced Thursday his intention to create "the most successful supergroup the world has ever known" by hiring research biologists from the University of Edinburgh to clone the Spice Girls. "Not only are we going to clone each of the five Spice Girls," reported Webber in a London news conference, "but before we implant them in the womb we're going to alter their genetic code to enhance their potential as performers." DNA specialists are already working to map the portions of the famous "double helix" that control moving the lower jaw to drum tracks and bending over in low-cut dresses. "We think that with the right mix of sophisticated biotechnology and shameless mega-budget promotion," Webber continued, " we can easily triple the present group's income", estimated at £5 billion per girl per year (in US currency, $32 per girl per second per second).
     The new supergroup, to be called the Splice Girls, should be ready to perform in about 22 years, after test-tube conception, implantation in the wombs of surrogate mothers and what Webber called "a carefully-controlled upbringing including a special diet and rigorous training in posture, makeup, smile retention, shopping and tax evasion. Maybe even some music lessons, who knows? Not from me, of course."
     Dr. Brian Whaughtnaught of the Edinburgh University Genetics Lab (funded by the Highlands Endowment for Legally Licensed Organisations Doing Outrageous Labwork on Livestock from Yorkshire) was asked for details on the exact process involved: "Well, personally I propose that the first step should be to chop up Mel Z ("Kimchee Spice") into small pieces and run her through the blender on the 'puree' setting." Asked what the next step would be, Whaughtnaught said, "To tell the truth, I'd be so bloody happy about doing that much, I haven't got the foggiest what we'd do next. But who cares?" Whaughtnaught reportedly has three pre-teenage daughters and has had it "up the sporran" with the ultra-popular girl group.

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