Wet humor on the Web since 1999
This issue:
SCIENCE AND WEATHER
First, the top weather story:
Schmatteras Island, North Carolina
Even though it was spared extensive
damage by Hurricane Floyd, this island off the coast of North Carolina is still
reeling from the havoc wreaked by Hurricane Dennis earlier this month.
Dennis destroyed all of the houses on the island and literally cut it in half,
carving an eight-foot wide channel right through the middle of the land
mass. Even now, the rugged survivors who decided to stay in their homes
in spite of an official evacuation order are still wholly dependent on the
National Guard for all of their food and drinking water.
As one hale, robust life-long
resident commented, "Of course we knew the storm was coming just like
everybody else, and the Coast Guard tried to evacuate us all to the mainland,
but we stubborn, stalwart, steadfast true islanders refused to leave.
This is our home. We live here. We've seen storms before.
Huh." The resident's hardy, staunch, tenacious, obstinate wife
added, "Now our only hope for survival is the food and water that the
National Guard flies in by helicopter every day at a cost of $3,400 a
minute. It's fun."
The resilient, resolute,
headstrong, intractable, obdurate couple described themselves as "real
natives. Not like some of these new people. We were born here. Kind
of. Well, almost. We would have been. But these newcomers.
Huh. They think the world owes them a living or something."
Having now received federal aid totaling an estimated $420,000 per person, the
intrepid, inflexible, indefatigable, pertinacious, contumacious, adamantine
islanders have promised to write a "real nice handwritten thank-you
note" to every single US taxpayer.
Jimmy Gimme, mayor of
Blindersville, the largest town on Schmatteras, commented, "This is the
fortieth major storm to hit the island since 1970. We all knew that this
was a hurricane corridor but we built our homes here anyway. Then we
couldn't get insurance. So the federal government -- which after all prints
money! -- had better fork over once again so we can all rebuild our
homes in the exact same spots where they stood before Dennis -- 'Lil' Denster',
we call him -- blew them all into driftwood. For me, this will be the
fifth time I've completely rebuilt my house. It's fun. Hey -- while
we're at it, how 'bout if everybody in the world just sends me $10?
Better make it 20."
Asked why he liked Schmatteras
Island so much that he continued to live there in spite of the constant danger
of deadly tropical storms, Gimme explained, "I just love the sky. I
have to live in a place where I can see the sky. And the island is a
place where defiant individualists like myself can live our own lives and be
our own boss without owing anything to anybody else and without ever having to
rely on anybody for anything at any time. That's just the way we fiercely
independent, uncompromising, implacable, unyielding, hard-boiled, indomitable,
irrepressible free-thinkers are.
"Also, I really get a
kick out of taking off in a boat with no regard for the weather, no idea where I'm
going and no supplies whatsoever, not even drinking water. Then when I
get tired or bored or run out of fuel I shoot up a flare and wait for the Coast
Guard to come and rescue me. Those fellas must have towed me back to port
a couple hundred times now. That's what everybody here does, pretty
much. It's fun."
Gimme added that he was
thinking about taking up a new extreme sport called "sky
streaking". "That's where you leap headfirst out of an airplane
at 11,000 feet without a stitch of clothing on and, of course, no
parachute," he explained. "You drop like a rock for a couple of
miles and wait for the Air Force to fly the Stealth Bomber right under you with
a trampoline rigged to the top of the fuselage to break your fall. Then
one of the airmen gives you his shirt." Asked if he had any message
for the American people in light of his recent experiences, Gimme concluded,
"Yeah. I wear a 15 1/4 regular. Light starch."
Science News:
Japanese Gene Splicing
Experiment
The Nogushi
Bioengineering Corporation of Osaka, Japan, has announced that thanks to a new
breakthrough in gene splicing it has developed a cockroach that is virtually
impervious to any of the traditional methods of extermination.
"We wanted to see what we could
do to prolong human life, so as a preliminary experiment we decided to develop
a 'super roach'," reported a company spokesperson. The genetically
altered insect thrives on all known poisons, can survive for three years with
no food or water and, most significantly, cannot be crushed to death.
"Our roaches have a carapace that's so hard it's impossible to kill them
even by smashing them with a hammer," continued the spokesman.
"They wouldn't even die if a whole wall fell on them. I know this
sounds like something out of a comic book, but the truth is that the only way
to kill these roaches is to feed them fresh peaches. We haven't quite
figured out why, but apparently something in the skin reacts chemically with
their altered digestive systems and poisons them. One thing we did figure
out, though, was how to make the altered genes dominant. In other words,
if just one super roach were to escape from our labs, it would interbreed with
its unengineered cousins and convert the entire world's cockroach population to
the 'super' variety within about three months. Also, since they breed
three times as fast as normal roaches, grow to twice the normal size and live
ten times longer, the entire land mass of the Earth would eventually be coated
with a seven-inch swarming layer of tough, durable, stout, sturdy,
indestructible, ineradicable, unsquishable chitinous vermin. I guess it's
a good thing we keep them locked up here at the Nogushi Research Center in
Osaka."
More News Inside:
Last-Minute Weather Update:
Hurricane Floyd Wipes Out
Entire US Peach Crop
Earthquake Rocks Osaka
Every single building in the
city reduced to a heap of rubble
Special
Science Report:
American Bioengineering Firm Successfully Crosses Cockroach with Killer Bee
©1999 by David Jaggard. All rights reserved worldwide.