David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

Issue number: 22
September 20, 1999

 

Wet humor on the Web since 1999

 


 

 This issue:

 SCIENCE AND WEATHER

 

 

 

First, the top weather story:

 

Hurricane Survivors Look Forward to Rebuilding

Schmatteras Island, North Carolina
        Even though it was spared extensive damage by Hurricane Floyd, this island off the coast of North Carolina is still reeling from the havoc wreaked by Hurricane Dennis earlier this month.  Dennis destroyed all of the houses on the island and literally cut it in half, carving an eight-foot wide channel right through the middle of the land mass.  Even now, the rugged survivors who decided to stay in their homes in spite of an official evacuation order are still wholly dependent on the National Guard for all of their food and drinking water.
         As one hale, robust life-long resident commented, "Of course we knew the storm was coming just like everybody else, and the Coast Guard tried to evacuate us all to the mainland, but we stubborn, stalwart, steadfast true islanders refused to leave.  This is our home.  We live here.  We've seen storms before.  Huh."  The resident's hardy, staunch, tenacious, obstinate wife added, "Now our only hope for survival is the food and water that the National Guard flies in by helicopter every day at a cost of $3,400 a minute.  It's fun."
         The resilient, resolute, headstrong, intractable, obdurate couple described themselves as "real natives.  Not like some of these new people.  We were born here. Kind of.  Well, almost.  We would have been. But these newcomers.  Huh.  They think the world owes them a living or something."  Having now received federal aid totaling an estimated $420,000 per person, the intrepid, inflexible, indefatigable, pertinacious, contumacious, adamantine islanders have promised to write a "real nice handwritten thank-you note" to every single US taxpayer.
         Jimmy Gimme, mayor of Blindersville, the largest town on Schmatteras, commented, "This is the fortieth major storm to hit the island since 1970.  We all knew that this was a hurricane corridor but we built our homes here anyway.  Then we couldn't get insurance.  So the federal government -- which after all prints money! --
had better fork over once again so we can all rebuild our homes in the exact same spots where they stood before Dennis -- 'Lil' Denster', we call him -- blew them all into driftwood.  For me, this will be the fifth time I've completely rebuilt my house.  It's fun.  Hey -- while we're at it, how 'bout if everybody in the world just sends me $10?  Better make it 20."
         Asked why he liked Schmatteras Island so much that he continued to live there in spite of the constant danger of deadly tropical storms, Gimme explained, "I just love the sky.  I have to live in a place where I can see the sky.  And the island is a place where defiant individualists like myself can live our own lives and be our own boss without owing anything to anybody else and without ever having to rely on anybody for anything at any time.  That's just the way we fiercely independent, uncompromising, implacable, unyielding, hard-boiled, indomitable, irrepressible free-thinkers are.
         "Also, I really get a kick out of taking off in a boat with no regard for the weather, no idea where I'm going and no supplies whatsoever, not even drinking water.  Then when I get tired or bored or run out of fuel I shoot up a flare and wait for the Coast Guard to come and rescue me.  Those fellas must have towed me back to port a couple hundred times now.  That's what everybody here does, pretty much.  It's fun."
         Gimme added that he was thinking about taking up a new extreme sport called "sky streaking".  "That's where you leap headfirst out of an airplane at 11,000 feet without a stitch of clothing on and, of course, no parachute," he explained.  "You drop like a rock for a couple of miles and wait for the Air Force to fly the Stealth Bomber right under you with a trampoline rigged to the top of the fuselage to break your fall.  Then one of the airmen gives you his shirt."  Asked if he had any message for the American people in light of his recent experiences, Gimme concluded, "Yeah.  I wear a 15 1/4 regular. Light starch."

 

Science News:

Japanese Gene Splicing Experiment

Produces 'Super Roach'

        The Nogushi Bioengineering Corporation of Osaka, Japan, has announced that thanks to a new breakthrough in gene splicing it has developed a cockroach that is virtually impervious to any of the traditional methods of extermination.
        "We wanted to see what we could do to prolong human life, so as a preliminary experiment we decided to develop a 'super roach'," reported a company spokesperson.  The genetically altered insect thrives on all known poisons, can survive for three years with no food or water and, most significantly, cannot be crushed to death.  "Our roaches have a carapace that's so hard it's impossible to kill them even by smashing them with a hammer," continued the spokesman.  "They wouldn't even die if a whole wall fell on them.  I know this sounds like something out of a comic book, but the truth is that the only way to kill these roaches is to feed them fresh peaches.  We haven't quite figured out why, but apparently something in the skin reacts chemically with their altered digestive systems and poisons them.  One thing we did figure out, though, was how to make the altered genes dominant.  In other words, if just one super roach were to escape from our labs, it would interbreed with its unengineered cousins and convert the entire world's cockroach population to the 'super' variety within about three months.  Also, since they breed three times as fast as normal roaches, grow to twice the normal size and live ten times longer, the entire land mass of the Earth would eventually be coated with a seven-inch swarming layer of tough, durable, stout, sturdy,  indestructible, ineradicable, unsquishable chitinous vermin.  I guess it's a good thing we keep them locked up here at the Nogushi Research Center in Osaka."
 

More News Inside:

Last-Minute Weather Update:

Hurricane Floyd Wipes Out Entire US Peach Crop

 

Earthquake Rocks Osaka

Every single building in the city reduced to a heap of rubble

 
 
Special Science Report:

 

American Bioengineering Firm Successfully Crosses Cockroach with Killer Bee

 



 
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 ¨©1999 by David Jaggard.  All rights reserved worldwide.