David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

Issue number 23

October 18, 1999

 

Wet humor on the Web since 1999

 


This issue:

 READERS' FORUM ON GLOBAL WARMING

 

Ever sensitive to the pressing problems of our troubled times, This Publication has decided to devote this issue to a readers' forum on global warming and related environmental/climatic questions.

 
Dear Sirs,

        Why does everybody have their BVDs in such a carrick bend about global warming anyway? So what if the average temperatures go up 3 or 4 degrees worldwide? So what if the oceans rise and the summers become even hotter in certain tropical zones?  Did anybody ever think that maybe we'll be better off with longer growing seasons and milder climates?  For one thing, we'll sure save some money on heavy winter clothes!
        And what about those of us who happen to like
hot weather?  I, for one, can't wait.  I say, global warming? Bring it on!  The hotter the better!  Melt the icecaps, fry the bananas in their trees and sweat the polar bears right off their ice floes!  Let's go surfing in Antarctica and fry whole omelets on the sidewalks of Miami!
        Hot enough for ya?  Well, you can't make it too hot for me!
 

Love,
Satan
Hell

 

Dear Sirs,

        We feel that we must express our deep-felt alarm about the previous letter.  Some people may think that a few degrees more or less won't make any big difference, but believe us, if it gets any hotter, it's going to be a catastrophe!  It's already so suffocatingly hot, so stifling and sweltering around here we can hardly stand it.  A couple more degrees Fahrenheit and we're all going to die!
        Wait a minute -- we're already dead.  So I guess it doesn't really matter that much, does it?
 

Signed,
The Condemned Souls of Hell
Hell

 

Dear Sirs:

        This is in response to that last letter:  You think this is hot?  This isn't hot!  You want to see hot, I'll show you hot!
        I lead survival training expeditions in the Arizona desert.  My trainees and I go into the barren wilderness carrying nothing that our stone-age forefathers wouldn't have had -- no watch, no money, no compass, no metal tools, no nothing except the clothes on our backs and a few simple supplies.  We spend three weeks in the desert living just as our ancestors did, finding water wherever we can, cooking on fires that we build with no matches, sleeping out in the open and relying solely on ourselves.  I tell you, after you've done one of my expeditions, you know the real meaning of the word "hot".  And "thirsty".  Also, "that will be $3,500 please".
        So don't go telling ME about hot.
 

Signed,
C. Totsy
Phoenix

 
 
Dear Sirs:

        This is in response to that last letter:
        We take exception to the implication that we Pre-Columbian Native Americans didn't have the sense to come in out of the sun.  Take it from us, if we had ever found ourselves in the Arizona desert with nothing but "simple supplies" the first thing we would have done is get the hell out of the "barren wilderness" and go someplace where there's plenty of water and some shade -- in other words, where the towns have been built now.
        We may have been stone-age but we weren't stupid.
 

Signed,
The Condemned Souls of Hell who happen to have been Pre-Columbian natives of what is now called the Southwestern United States
Hell

 

Dear Sirs,

        Please print this.  It's a prayer for latter-day pagans:
 

Now I lay me on the sand.
I pray the Sun to make me tanned.
If I should fall asleep and burn,
I pray the Wind to make me turn.
Over.
 

        Well, OK, maybe it needs some more work.
 

Signed,
Future Goners of America
America

 

Dear Sirs,

        You say you didn't like El Nino?  And then La Nina didn't do you a whole lot of good either?  Well just fasten your seatbelts, folks, because here we come!  We're Los Ninos, the biggest, baddest, most anomalous weather system ever to raise the ratings of the Weather Channel!  We're going to wreak havoc from Greenland to Cape Horn!  Get ready for floods in Florida, hail in Hawaii, tornadoes in Tennessee, drought in Georgia, and hurricanes in New Hampshire because Los Ninos don't know the meaning of the word "temperate"!
        Say yer prayers!  Bwahahahahaha!!!
 

Signed,
Los Ninos
Somewhere in the Pacific

 

Dear Sirs,
 
1) Avoiding excess; self-restrained.
2) Moderate.
3) (of a region or climate) characterized by mild temperatures.
4) Abstemious.
 

Signed,
The Oxford English Dictionary
Oxford, England

 

Dear Sirs,

        Oh.
        I mean hey, thanks!  Learn something new every day, huh?
        Well, I guess now that we know, we don't have to do all that other stuff.  Never mind about that first letter!
 

Signed,
Los Ninos
A little further east but petering out

 

Dear Sirs,

        OK, how 'bout this:
 

Now I lay me near the shore.
I slather on SPF4.
If carcinoma should arise,
I pray it won't metastasize.
 

        Better, huh?
 

Signed,
Future Goners of America
Still in America

 
 
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 ¨©1999 by David Jaggard.  All rights reserved worldwide.