Issue
number 23
Wet humor on the Web since 1999
This
issue:
READERS' FORUM ON GLOBAL
WARMING
Ever sensitive to the pressing problems of our troubled
times, This Publication has decided to devote this issue to a readers' forum on
global warming and related environmental/climatic questions.
Dear Sirs,
Why does everybody
have their BVDs in such a carrick bend about global warming anyway? So what if
the average temperatures go up 3 or 4 degrees worldwide? So what if the oceans
rise and the summers become even hotter in certain tropical zones? Did
anybody ever think that maybe we'll be better off with longer growing seasons
and milder climates? For one thing, we'll sure save some money on heavy
winter clothes!
And what about those of us who
happen to like hot weather? I, for one, can't wait. I say,
global warming? Bring it on! The hotter the better! Melt the
icecaps, fry the bananas in their trees and sweat the polar bears right off
their ice floes! Let's go surfing in Antarctica and fry whole omelets on
the sidewalks of Miami!
Hot enough for ya? Well, you
can't make it too hot for me!
Love,
Satan
Hell
Dear Sirs,
We feel that we
must express our deep-felt alarm about the previous letter. Some people
may think that a few degrees more or less won't make any big difference, but
believe us, if it gets any hotter, it's going to be a catastrophe! It's
already so suffocatingly hot, so stifling and sweltering around here we can
hardly stand it. A couple more degrees Fahrenheit and we're all going to
die!
Wait a minute -- we're already
dead. So I guess it doesn't really matter that much, does it?
Signed,
The Condemned Souls of Hell
Hell
Dear Sirs:
This is in
response to that last letter: You think this is hot? This isn't
hot! You want to see hot, I'll show you hot!
I lead survival training expeditions
in the Arizona desert. My trainees and I go into the barren wilderness
carrying nothing that our stone-age forefathers wouldn't have had -- no watch,
no money, no compass, no metal tools, no nothing except the clothes on our
backs and a few simple supplies. We spend three weeks in the desert
living just as our ancestors did, finding water wherever we can, cooking on
fires that we build with no matches, sleeping out in the open and relying
solely on ourselves. I tell you, after you've done one of my expeditions,
you know the real meaning of the word "hot". And
"thirsty". Also, "that will be $3,500 please".
So don't go telling ME about hot.
Signed,
C. Totsy
Phoenix
Dear Sirs:
This is in
response to that last letter:
We take exception to the implication
that we Pre-Columbian Native Americans didn't have the sense to come in out of
the sun. Take it from us, if we had ever found ourselves in the Arizona
desert with nothing but "simple supplies" the first thing we would
have done is get the hell out of the "barren wilderness" and go
someplace where there's plenty of water and some shade -- in other words, where
the towns have been built now.
We may have been stone-age but we
weren't stupid.
Signed,
The Condemned Souls of Hell who happen to have been Pre-Columbian natives of
what is now called the Southwestern United States
Hell
Dear Sirs,
Please print
this. It's a prayer for latter-day pagans:
Now I lay me on the sand.
I pray the Sun to make me tanned.
If I should fall asleep and burn,
I pray the Wind to make me turn.
Over.
Well, OK,
maybe it needs some more work.
Signed,
Future Goners of America
America
Dear Sirs,
You say you didn't
like El Nino? And then La Nina didn't do you a whole lot of good
either? Well just fasten your seatbelts, folks, because here we
come! We're Los Ninos, the biggest, baddest, most anomalous weather
system ever to raise the ratings of the Weather Channel! We're going to
wreak havoc from Greenland to Cape Horn! Get ready for floods in Florida,
hail in Hawaii, tornadoes in Tennessee, drought in Georgia, and hurricanes in
New Hampshire because Los Ninos don't know the meaning of the word
"temperate"!
Say yer prayers! Bwahahahahaha!!!
Signed,
Los Ninos
Somewhere in the Pacific
Dear Sirs,
1) Avoiding excess; self-restrained.
2) Moderate.
3) (of a region or climate) characterized by mild temperatures.
4) Abstemious.
Signed,
The Oxford English Dictionary
Oxford, England
Dear Sirs,
Oh.
I mean hey, thanks! Learn
something new every day, huh?
Well, I guess now that we know, we
don't have to do all that other stuff. Never mind about that first
letter!
Signed,
Los Ninos
A little further east but petering out
Dear Sirs,
OK, how 'bout
this:
Now I lay me near the shore.
I slather on SPF4.
If carcinoma should arise,
I pray it won't metastasize.
Better, huh?
Signed,
Future Goners of America
Still in America
©1999 by David Jaggard. All rights reserved worldwide.