Issue number 23
Wet humor on the Web since 1999
READERS' FORUM ON GLOBAL WARMING
Ever sensitive to the pressing problems of our troubled times, This Publication has decided to devote this issue to a readers' forum on global warming and related environmental/climatic questions.
Why does everybody
have their BVDs in such a carrick bend about global warming anyway? So what if
the average temperatures go up 3 or 4 degrees worldwide? So what if the oceans
rise and the summers become even hotter in certain tropical zones? Did
anybody ever think that maybe we'll be better off with longer growing seasons
and milder climates? For one thing, we'll sure save some money on heavy
And what about those of us who happen to like hot weather? I, for one, can't wait. I say, global warming? Bring it on! The hotter the better! Melt the icecaps, fry the bananas in their trees and sweat the polar bears right off their ice floes! Let's go surfing in Antarctica and fry whole omelets on the sidewalks of Miami!
Hot enough for ya? Well, you can't make it too hot for me!
We feel that we
must express our deep-felt alarm about the previous letter. Some people
may think that a few degrees more or less won't make any big difference, but
believe us, if it gets any hotter, it's going to be a catastrophe! It's
already so suffocatingly hot, so stifling and sweltering around here we can
hardly stand it. A couple more degrees Fahrenheit and we're all going to
Wait a minute -- we're already dead. So I guess it doesn't really matter that much, does it?
The Condemned Souls of Hell
This is in
response to that last letter: You think this is hot? This isn't
hot! You want to see hot, I'll show you hot!
I lead survival training expeditions in the Arizona desert. My trainees and I go into the barren wilderness carrying nothing that our stone-age forefathers wouldn't have had -- no watch, no money, no compass, no metal tools, no nothing except the clothes on our backs and a few simple supplies. We spend three weeks in the desert living just as our ancestors did, finding water wherever we can, cooking on fires that we build with no matches, sleeping out in the open and relying solely on ourselves. I tell you, after you've done one of my expeditions, you know the real meaning of the word "hot". And "thirsty". Also, "that will be $3,500 please".
So don't go telling ME about hot.
This is in
response to that last letter:
We take exception to the implication that we Pre-Columbian Native Americans didn't have the sense to come in out of the sun. Take it from us, if we had ever found ourselves in the Arizona desert with nothing but "simple supplies" the first thing we would have done is get the hell out of the "barren wilderness" and go someplace where there's plenty of water and some shade -- in other words, where the towns have been built now.
We may have been stone-age but we weren't stupid.
The Condemned Souls of Hell who happen to have been Pre-Columbian natives of what is now called the Southwestern United States
this. It's a prayer for latter-day pagans:
Now I lay me on the sand.
I pray the Sun to make me tanned.
If I should fall asleep and burn,
I pray the Wind to make me turn.
maybe it needs some more work.
Future Goners of America
You say you didn't
like El Nino? And then La Nina didn't do you a whole lot of good
either? Well just fasten your seatbelts, folks, because here we
come! We're Los Ninos, the biggest, baddest, most anomalous weather
system ever to raise the ratings of the Weather Channel! We're going to
wreak havoc from Greenland to Cape Horn! Get ready for floods in Florida,
hail in Hawaii, tornadoes in Tennessee, drought in Georgia, and hurricanes in
New Hampshire because Los Ninos don't know the meaning of the word
Say yer prayers! Bwahahahahaha!!!
Somewhere in the Pacific
1) Avoiding excess; self-restrained.
3) (of a region or climate) characterized by mild temperatures.
The Oxford English Dictionary
I mean hey, thanks! Learn something new every day, huh?
Well, I guess now that we know, we don't have to do all that other stuff. Never mind about that first letter!
A little further east but petering out
OK, how 'bout
Now I lay me near the shore.
I slather on SPF4.
If carcinoma should arise,
I pray it won't metastasize.
Future Goners of America
Still in America
¨©1999 by David Jaggard. All rights reserved worldwide.