Issue number 26
February 15, 2000
Wet humor on the Web since 2000
This issue:
SPECIAL
REGISTERED TRADEMARK ISSUE
The Mount Everest Timing and Overseeing Office for Marking Authentic Records
and Titles for Historic Ascents has released the official list of world records
set on Mount Everest for the month of January:
Jan. 1, 2000: First team to climb Mount Everest in the 21st century.
Jan. 2, 2000: First team of pedants and wet blankets
to climb Mount Everest in the last year of the 20th Century.
Jan. 3, 2000: First team to climb Everest without hiking sticks.
Jan. 4, 2000: First team to climb Everest without stickers or flags on their backpacks.
Jan. 5, 2000: First team to climb Everest without a compass.
Jan. 6, 2000: First team to climb Everest without a guide.
Jan. 7, 2000: First team to climb Everest without a clue.
Jan. 8, 2000: First team to climb Everest without regret for anything they did in high
school.
Jan. 9, 2000: First team to climb Everest without actually wanting to.
Jan. 10, 2000: First team to climb Everest without climbing Everest.
Jan. 11, 2000: First team to climb Everest without wondering what the hell that last
team's record could possibly mean in the first place.
Jan. 12, 2000: First team to climb Everest without speaking to each other (unintentional
-- they had intended to set the record for first team to climb Everest wearing
plastic novelty "nose-and-glasses" disguises, but when they reached
base camp and found out that Ian had left the Groucho SpecsTM back at the hotel,
they got in such a huge squabble they ended up doing the entire climb in deafening
silence, communicating entirely by spiteful but meaningful looks).
Jan. 13, 2000: First team to climb Everest without claiming some kind of record.
Jan. 14, 2000: First team to climb Everest without ever once wishing they were back home
in front of a roaring fire, toasting their feet on the hearth, curled up in a
down comforter with the drool-inspiring lust object of their choice, sipping a
vintage wine and telling fascinating anecdote after fascinating anecdote about
this very ascent of Everest, instead of being stuck here in a raging blizzard
in a flimsy one-half-person tent not even long enough to stretch out in, with
hardly any food or water, gasping for every breath, hallucinating in what seems
like the 87th day of altitude sickness, constipated like there's a champagne
cork (magnum) in their SMALL intestine and having to listen to the incessant
whining, carping and from-the-diaphragm sighing of their insipid tent-mate,
whose idea of a fascinating topic of conversation, when he's not carping, whining
or sighing, is to fantasize about sitting back home in front of a nice hot
fire, toasting his feet on the hearth, curled up in a down comforter with the drool-inspiring lust object of his choice, sipping a vintage wine
and telling fascinating anecdote after fascinating anecdote about this very
ascent of Everest, instead of being stuck here in a raging blizzard in a flimsy
one-half-person tent not even long enough to stretch out in, with hardly any
food or water, gasping for every breath, hallucinating in what seems like the
87th day of altitude sickness, constipated like there's a champagne cork
(magnum) in his SMALL intestine and having to listen to the incessant whining,
carping and from-the-diaphragm sighing of his insipid tent-mate, whose idea of
a fascinating topic of conversation, when he's not carping, whining or sighing,
is to fantasize about sitting back home in front of a nice hot fire, toasting
his feet on the hearth, curled up in a down comforter with the drool-inspiring lust object of his choice, sipping a vintage wine
and telling fascinating anecdote after fascinating anecdote about this very
ascent of Everest, instead of being stuck here in a raging blizzard in a flimsy
one-half-person tent not even long enough to stretch out in, with hardly any
food or water, gasping for every breath, hallucinating in what seems like the
87th day of altitude sickness, constipated like there's a champagne cork
(magnum) in his SMALL intestine and having to listen to the incessant whining,
carping and from-the-diaphragm sighing of his insipid tent-mate, whose idea of
a fascinating topic of conversation, when he's not carping, whining or sighing,
is to fantasize about sitting back home in front of a nice hot fire, toasting
his feet on the hearth, curled up in a down comforter with the drool-inspiring lust object of his choice, sipping a vintage wine
and telling fascinating anecdote after fascinating anecdote about this very
ascent of Everest, instead of being stuck here in a raging blizzard in a flimsy
one-half-person tent not even long enough to stretch out in, with hardly any
food or water, gasping for every breath, hallucinating
in what seems like the 87th day of altitude sickness, constipated like there's
a champagne cork (magnum) in his SMALL intestine and having to listen to the
incessant whining, carping and from-the-diaphragm sighing of his insipid
tent-mate, whose idea of a fascinating topic of conversation, when he's not
carping, whining or sighing, is to fantasize about sitting back home in front
of a nice hot fire, toasting his feet on the hearth, curled up in a down
comforter with the...
Editor: Hey! David!!
Me:
Wha . . . ?
Editor: (SLAP!!!)
Me:
Whoa, thanks.
Editor: What the hell's
wrong with you today?
Me:
I went to a Philip Glass concert last night . . .
Editor: Yeah, I can see
how that would do it.
Me: . .
.and ever since I just keep getting into these loops!
Editor: Well, let's try
to get on with it, shall we?
Me:
Loops! I mean, OK, here goes:
Jan. 15, 2000: First green-eyed person to climb Everest.
Jan. 16, 2000: First green-eyed stamp collector to climb Everest.
Jan. 17, 2000: First green-eyed stamp collector to climb Everest alone.
Jan. 18, 2000: First green-eyed stamp collector to climb Everest alone without oxygen.
Jan. 19, 2000: First green-eyed stamp collector to climb Everest alone without oxygen,
wearing penny loafers.
Jan. 20, 2000: First green-eyed stamp collector to climb Everest alone without oxygen, wearing
penny loafers and only one pair of socks.
Jan. 21, 2000: First green-eyed stamp collector to climb Everest alone without oxygen,
wearing penny loafers and only one pair of socks, walking backwards.
Jan. 22, 2000: First green-eyed stamp collector to climb Everest alone without oxygen,
wearing penny loafers and only one pair of socks, walking backwards with his
eyes closed.
Jan. 23, 2000: First green-eyed stamp collector to climb Everest alone without oxygen, wearing
penny loafers and only one pair of socks, walking backwards with her eyes closed.
Jan. 24, 2000: First green-eyed stamp
collector to climb Everest alone without oxygen, wearing penny loafers and only
one pair of socks, walking backwards with her eyes closed and holding her
urine.
Jan. 25, 2000: First green-eyed stamp collector to climb Everest alone without oxygen,
wearing penny loafers and only one pair of socks, walking backwards with her
eyes closed, holding her urine and not once thinking about the song
"Copacabana" by Barry Manilow.
Jan. 26, 2000: First green-eyed stamp collector to climb Everest alone without oxygen,
wearing penny loafers and only one pair of socks, walking backwards with her
eyes closed and holding her urine, not once thinking about the song
"Copacabana" by Barry Manilow or that old joke about "not
thinking about elephants".
Jan. 27, 2000: First green-eyed stamp collector to climb Everest alone without oxygen,
wearing penny loafers and only one pair of socks, walking backwards with her
eyes closed and holding her urine, not once thinking about the song
"Copacabana" by Barry Manilow or that old joke about "not
thinking about elephants" and without ever once saying "Look at the
view!"
Jan. 28, 2000: First green-eyed stamp collector to climb Everest alone without oxygen,
wearing penny loafers and only one pair of socks, walking backwards with her
eyes closed and holding her urine, not once thinking about the song
"Copacabana" by Barry Manilow or that old joke about "not
thinking about elephants", without ever once saying "Look at the
view!" or "You sure those are human footprints?"
Jan. 29, 2000: First
green-eyed stamp collector to climb Everest alone without oxygen, wearing penny
loafers and only one pair of socks, walking backwards with her eyes closed and
holding her urine, not once thinking about the song "Copacabana" by
Barry Manilow or that old joke about "not thinking about
elephants", without ever once saying "Look at the view!" or
"You sure those are human footprints?" or "If all of us
record-setters are climbing alone who would we be saying 'Look at the view!' or
'You sure those are human footprints?' to in the first place?"
Jan. 30, 2000: First green-eyed stamp collector to climb Everest alone without oxygen,
wearing penny loafers and only one pair of socks, walking backwards with her
eyes closed and holding her urine, not once thinking about the song
"Copacabana" by Barry Manilow or that old joke about "not
thinking about elephants", without ever once saying "Look at the
view!" or "You sure those are human footprints?" or "If all
of us record-setters are climbing alone who would we be saying 'Look at the
view!' or 'You sure those are human footprints?' to in the first place? Have we started talking to ourselves? Do we all have imaginary
Sherpas? Or have we just lost our minds? And if so, why? The
stress? The cold? The thin air? The fact that we can't stop asking
little short pointless questions? Like this one? Huh?
Well? Hey!...
Editor: (SLAP!!!) (SLAP!!!)
Me: OK, OK, let's try something
else:
The Hague, the Netherlands The World Court on Thursday passed down a sentence of 75 years in
prison for a radical terrorist who was found guilty of planting a bomb that
killed 12 people in a crowded marketplace. The defendant explained that
his act was in retaliation for the conviction of another terrorist who was
found guilty of a rifle attack in a church that killed 10 people in protest of
the imprisonment of another terrorist who was found guilty of leading an armed
attack on a military base that killed 8 people in revenge for the capture of
another terrorist who was found guilty of bombing a police station and killing
6 people as a counterattack after the execution of another terrorist who was
found guilty of murdering 4 soldiers as an act of vengeance for the
imprisonment of another terrorist who was found guilty of throwing a grenade
into a government building and killing 2 people in reciprocation
for the detention of another terrorist who was found guilty of attempting to
assassinate the Pope to avenge the death in a shoot-out with the police of
another terrorist who was wanted for taking hostages in a school to demand the release of another terrorist who was in jail for hijacking a
plane to demand the release of another terrorist who was awaiting trial on
charges of robbing a bank to finance the defense fund of another terrorist who was being tried for the kidnapping of a prominent industrialist
to demand the release of another terrorist who was sentenced
to life as a galley slave for sabotaging the construction of the Acropolis in
defiance of. . .
Editor: (SLAP!!!)
"EroGeniusTM Special Offer" in c/o This Publication.
Price: $90 US dollars for the basic model, $110
for the "Double DeLuxe" kit. Delaware residents add 6% sales
tax.
The EroGeniusTM virtual reality
sex simulator cannot be sold to minors.
Please check the
legislation in your state.
The EroGeniusTM virtual reality sex simulator
home entertainment system is a product of the Blomy Corporation. With its
wraparound 360-degree video display visor helmet with integrated THXTM headphones and its patented
full-contact sensors for the hands and genitals, it offers the most realistic,
multi-sensorial simulation of love-making available on the market today.
There are no limits to the number and variety of simulated sex acts you can
enjoy with the EroGeniusTM. To get the greatest benefit from your
EroGeniusTM, be sure to follow the instructions carefully. And
remember, once you start the system you will no longer be able to see or hear
what is going on in the room around you. You might want to think about
this. Not to mention what you're going to look like while you're using
the system. A prize schmuck is what we're thinking, but now that you
bought the damn thing you might as well read the...
Instructions:
1. Make sure you're
alone in the house.
2. Better
double-check that.
3. Make sure the door
is locked and all the curtains tightly closed. Keep in mind that flimsy
white and rattan curtains are virtually transparent at night.
4. Put the chain on
the door while you're at it in case your ex comes by with his or her old key.
5. (Double DeLuxe
model only:) If
desired, activate the robot pit bull that comes with the system (batteries not
included) to guard your door while you're using your EroGeniusTM.
6. Select one of
the thousands of preset sex partners, or scan any color full-body photo of the
person you would like to have sex with. If you input a non-nude photo, you will
then be prompted to enter the desired criteria (descriptions of key body parts,
etc.) so that EroGeniusTM can extrapolate the necessary 3D imagery according to the fantasy
you choose.
NOTE: If by some odd chance you actually
happen to have a life, and therefore friends, you would be well-advised not to
let them know that you own an EroGeniusTM. The reason for this, if you
haven't figured it out already, is that anyone who sees you pull out a camera
from now on is going to sprint in the opposite direction as fast as they
possibly can. And who can blame them? Who wants to imagine you
imagining having sex with them? I mean really. Have you looked at yourself in the
mirror lately? Naked? From the
side? In a strong light? Remember when you were 22 years old and you didn't
have those...
Editor: David!!! Fer chrissake, my hand's swelling up already!
Me:
All right, all right! Put some ZZ Top on the
stereo and I'll finish this thing:
7. Choose the background setting from among the hundreds of
options. The most common choices have been placed at the top of the list
for easy selection:
Penthouse suite at the Plaza
Hot tub in Hawaii
Venetian Gondola
Tropical beach at sunset
19th century Parisian bordello
Lear jet at 5,281 feet
Back seat of 1964 Cadillac
Oval Office
Boardroom at Microsoft
8. Put on the helmet, sensor mitts and the special
paper-lined "boxer shorts" unit that come with the set. (Extra
boxes of disposable paper liners for the boxer shorts can be ordered
separately, $9.99 per box of 100 plus shipping and handling.) Be sure to
set the "Partner's Gender" switch on the boxer shorts to
"Male" or "Female" as desired. EroGeniusTM is 100% safe under any configurations
of use, although if you neglect to check this setting you might be in for
something of a surprise at a key moment.
9. Make sure that,
ah, everything is, ah, "in place", and punch the "START"
button. Using your elbow, because those sensor mitts are thick and
clumsy.
10. Because your
hands will likely be otherwise occupied, EroGeniusTM is equipped a voice-activated stop
routine. When you want to halt the program, just say in a loud clear voice,
"I'll call you sometime!" and the system shuts down.
EroGeniusTM is a registered
trademark of the Blomy Corporation.
Software and instructions copyright
1997, 1999 and 2000 by Barry Dittener, Herb Rozzof and Blomy Inc.
copyright 2000 by
David Jaggard. All rights reserved worldwide.