Issue number 32 October 24, 2000
Wet humor on the Web since 2000
Quorum of One is intended for adult readers
An update from the special music and audio task force of the Federal Bureau of Artistic Intervention for Ensuring Ethics in Esthetic Endeavors.
The FBAIEEEE has been called in to help in the search for escaped fugitive Enrique E. Garcia, former songwriter for the pop group The Miami Sound Machine. Garcia has eluded the police since his daring solo escape nineteen days ago from a high-security correctional facility in Florida where he was serving a 20-year sentence for writing the following tag line in the group's 1984 hit "Conga":
Come on shake your body, Baby, do the
I know you can't control yourself any long-guh.
A $500,000 reward is being offered for information leading to Garcia's
recapture, although members of the public are warned to proceed with extreme
caution. The convict is known to be a hardened, cynical, sociopathic
rhyme-forcer with no regard for basic human decency or scansion. He is thought
to be armed with the following couplets:
Come on move your torso, Honey, do the
I know you want to dance with someone on this num-buh.
Come on sway your carcass, Darling, do the Cha-cha,
The dance that Reagan did one time with Mahg'ret Thah-chah.
Agitate your tokhes, do the Bossa
And then have a piece matzo 'cause it's now Pass-o-vuh.
and is therefore considered to be very dangerous.
Garcia is a repeat
offender with a long criminal record stretching back nearly three decades. When
he escaped he was serving no fewer than 34 concurrent sentences for seven
counts of rhymes against humanity, seventeen counts of repeating a weak
couplet, nine counts of believing people who think that sales figures are an
indicator of intrinsic quality, and one count of thinking that "Bossa
Nova" is the name of a dance.
The FBAIEEEE has issued a warrant for the detention of Robert Smith, lead
singer with the British rock group The Cure. Smith has not yet been
charged with any crime, but he is sought for questioning in connection with the
lyrics to the group's hit song "Inbetween Days", which include the
Come back, come back, why can't you see?
Come back, come back, come back to me.
As soon as the warrant is served, Smith will have 60 days to appear before a
federal judge. Specifically, the question he will be called upon to
answer is: Why can't you see what?
EU Adopts Legislation on Talent-to-Looks Ratio in the Recording Industry
The Executive Council of the European Union has followed the lead of the United
States Congress in passing strongly-worded legislation that makes it a crime
for record producers to sign contracts with singers based on decisions in which
physical appearance counts for more than 20%. The so-called "Ricky's
Law" mandates prison terms of up to 10 years and fines of $50,000 to
$1,000,000 for anyone who willfully places a drool-inspiring, scantily-clad
slab of pulchritude, male or female, in front of an open microphone without
first ascertaining that he or she knows middle C from an elk fart. Share prices
in Sony, Warner, Virgin, MCI and Island Records all plummeted upon announcement
of the new law, which goes into effect on January 1st, 2001.
Skip "Toy" Caldwell, songwriter for the Marshall Tucker Band, has
been released from prison after serving 18 years of a 25-year sentence for
failure to employ even the simplest syntactical logic in the lyrics of a top 40
single. Caldwell was imprisoned in 1982 for his part in perpetrating the final
two lines in the last verse of the group's 1978 hit "Heard It In a Love
Always somethin' greener on the other
side of that hill,
I was born a wrangler and a rambler and I guess I always will.
He earned early parole by helping in the prison's literacy program, remaining on good behavior and writing on a blackboard five hundred times a day:
always will be.
always will be.
always will be.
always will be.
always will be.
always will be.
Acting on newly-passed federal RICO ("Recordings with some Integrity and
Coherence, for Once") statutes that give the agency much broader powers to
combat disorganized crime in the musical arts, the FBAIEEEE issued a massive
dossier of warrants for the arrest and imprisonment without trial of anyone who
has ever been thanked on the cover of a record album by misspelled first name
or nickname only.
Literally thousands of rock stars' friends, relatives, gofers, groupies and hangers-on were rounded up all over the country in a carefully-coordinated early morning raid. A spokesman for the FBAIEEEE called the operation a total success, proclaiming, "The public is now safe from having to wade through paragraph after tedious, esoteric paragraph of 'thanks' to 'Souzee', 'Twink', 'Spider', 'Weasel', 'Jaynee', etc., etc., etc. We even got the notorious Jock, who is cited on the back of the Rolling Stones' 'Let It Bleed' album for having provided 'tea and sympathy'. After evading justice for more than 25 years, he'll be lucky if he just gets tea in a court of law."
Singer Morisette in Good Condition after Harmonica Incident
Anti-indie-mid-M.O.R.-neo-folk-rock-punk-pop-fusion singer-songwriter and
part-time naked person Alanis Morisette was hospitalized in Cleveland Thursday
night after choking nearly to death on a small Eb harmonica. In a statement to
the press, a band member recounted, "We were on stage and Alanis was
playing the harmonica -- well, not exactly playing it, but holding it in her
mouth and inhaling and exhaling through it, like she does -- when all of a
sudden she just toppled over and started turning blue. I gave her the Heimlich
maneuver and out popped this little Hohner Wheezemaster. I tell you, that
sucker was a mess, all wet, with the nickle plating all stained and warped, the
wood part all slimy and the reeds all clogged with..." [The band member
interrupted his statement at this point when informed by the press that
The singer is listed in good condition at Mochevue Hospital, although the harmonica had to be euthanized. The police have not ruled out foul playing, and Morisette is expected to be charged as soon as she is released from the hospital. Second-degree harmonicide is punishable by a five-year prison term and a fine of $30,000. As a first-time offender, Morisette is not likely to be given prison time, but if convicted her parole can be instantly revoked if she is ever caught associating with known musical instruments for which she has made no perceptible effort to learn even the most basic rudiments.
The FBAIEEEE has announced that effective November 1st 2000, it will be a class-AAA felony, punishable by summary execution after torture, for actors or models in still or motion photography of any type to pretend to play musical instruments in such a way that makes it glaringly obvious even to pond life that they have no idea how to hold, much less play, said instruments. The new law specifically lists the following offenses:
Actors, models, photographers, artistic
directors and producers are all held equally accountable under the statute,
which has drawn criticism from musicians around the world for being
"vague" and "not nearly harsh enough".
Interrogation of Suspects Continues in Voiceover Murder Investigation
The movie industry was badly shaken last Thursday by the apparent murder of
that ultra-deep, bass-enhanced, sonic-boom-like disembodied nameless male voice
that narrates virtually all of the trailers for upcoming Hollywood
blockbusters. The voice's housekeeper found it lying mute in a pool of saliva
in the kitchen of its Malibu beachfront home. As movie-goers had long
suspected, the voice had no body, no tangible identity and of course no soul,
although it was able to pull down 9 or 10 mill a year just by intoning
boilerplate blurb-schlock on the newest Tom Cruise thriller with the volume
cranked so high and the bass jacked so low that viewers exposed to it were
known to lose nail polish, dental fillings, short-term memory, cornea
Yesterday the FBAIEEEE announced that it was interrogating a list of 90,568,003 possible suspects. Asked why the list was so long, a detective said, "We've got to talk to anyone who would have had a motive."
¬©2000 by David Jaggard