David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

Your wet humor warehouse on the Web

Issue number: 4

Posted on: July 23rd, 1998
Next issue on: August 6th
     If I: get around

To: it


This issue: The Generic News

your no-name newspaper

Instructions: read once per day to be up to date on all the latest national and international news.
 

In the Headlines:

Bad Thing Happens in Big City

Really Bad Thing Happens in Foreign Country

Politician Denies Allegations of Corruption

Other Politician Sentenced in Corruption Case

Wealthy Man of Leisure Arrested for Possession of Small Quantity of Recreational Drug

 

 Inside:

World on the Brink of Nuclear Disaster
World on the Brink of Economic Disaster
World on the Brink of Ecological Disaster

World on the Brink of Public Health Disaster
World on the Brink of Celestial Disaster

 

News Analysis:

You Gonna Die

 

Today's feature story:

Lottery Winner Knew She Was Going to Win

        

John D.  Smith and his wife Mary J. Smith live in a two-story white frame house on Elm Street in Lebanon, Kansas with their son Junior, their two dogs Fido and Rover, their parrot Polly, their horse Dobbin, their cow Bossy and an old Chevrolet they call "The Heap".  They were married on June 15, 1950 and honeymooned in Niagara Falls.  Every year on their anniversary John buys Mary a bottle of Chanel N5 and when she wears it he teases her that she smells like "a French cathouse".   Die-hard Beatles fans, both of them know someone who knows the lady who put the poodle in the microwave oven.  By remarkable coincidence, Mr. Smith is the man in the famous photo of a sailor kissing a young lady in Times Square at the end of World War II and his wife is the person about whom Bob Dylan wrote "It's All Over Now, Baby Blue".
         Last Saturday, Mary J. Smith (the "J" is for Jane) became the winner of the world's biggest-ever lottery jackpot when her numbers came up in the Kansas state "Win a Lot of Money" drawing.  Commenting on her 250 million dollar windfall, Mrs. Smith (ne Roe) said, "I knew I was going to win. I always play the numbers that correspond to my birthday plus the date of my wedding anniversary.  When I bought the ticket last Tuesday, I just had this feeling."  To celebrate their good fortune, the couple took a trip to Disneyworld, where John sampled the wild game fare on offer in Adventureland.  About the smoked rattlesnake, he had this to say: "It's actually quite good.  It tastes kind of like human baby flesh."

 

Business, Travel News:

Stock Markets, Buses Plunge

         Stock prices plummeted around the world yesterday morning in reaction to a statement by Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan.  Later it was revealed that Mr. Greenspan, who is on vacation in Peru and in any case has laryngitis, didn't actually say anything yesterday.  The statement was traced to a ventriloquist's dummy dressed to look like Alan Greenspan.  Reassured, stock markets rallied in the early afternoon to reach the same levels where they started that morning.
         Meanwhile, on a narrow winding road in the Andes, a bus carrying 48 people, including Mr. Greenspan and his entire family, plunged into a ravine killing everyone on board.  Stock prices fell again, until it was revealed that Mr. Greenspan was not in fact on the bus.  He and his family had missed that bus and taken a later one.  So stock prices went back up.  Then at about 4:30 EST the Greenspans' actual bus also went off the same road into the same ravine, killing everyone on board.  Markets around the world reacted quickly, and by the end of the day all stock prices, and all Greenspans, had hit rock bottom.

 

The Weather :

The Extended Forecast for Your Region

The weather will get better, then worse, then better, then worse, then better, then a lot worse, then worse again, then better, then worse, then a lot better, then better again, then suddenly worse.  Then it will repeat this pattern.

 

Sports Roundup:

The Latest Soccer Scores from Around the World

0-0, 0-0, 0-1, 0-0, 1-0, 0-0, 1-1, 1-0, 0-0, 1-1, 0-1,

1-0, 0-0, 1-1, 1-0, 1-1, 1-1, 0-1, 0-1, 0-1, 1-0, 0-0,

1-1, 1-1, 1-0, 0-1, 0-1, 1-1, 0-1, 0-0, 1-1, 1-0, 0-1.

Last-minute flash:

Soccer Fans Riot in 33 Cities Around the World

120 Dead, 812 Wounded, 2,436 Arrested

Damage Estimated at $13.4 million

 

In Other News:

Teen Violence on the Rise

         The White House Special Task Force on Youth and Crime announced yesterday that the number of violent crimes committed by teenagers nationwide rose by 4.5% last year.  The breakdown of the family unit, substance abuse, inappropriate role models, the rising power of gangs and an increasingly permissive society are blamed for the increase.  A spokesperson for the National Organization of Non-University Teachers and Scholars commented, "These kids today.  They get hopped up on crack, listen to that awful rap music, then they want to go out and spray graffiti and get into gun fights.  They don't respect their teachers and their parents don't have any control over them.  I tell you, it wasn't like that in my day."
 

From the Archives - Feature Stories
from "The Generic News" of Yesteryear:

 

25 years ago: July 23, 1973

Teen Violence on the Rise

         The Justice Department announced yesterday that the number of violent crimes committed by teenagers nationwide rose by 3.5% last year.  The breakdown of the family unit, substance abuse, inappropriate role models, the rising power of gangs and an increasingly permissive society are blamed for the increase.  A spokesperson at the nationwide headquarters of the PTA commented, "These kids today.  They get hopped up on pot, listen to that awful rock music, then they want to go out and burn their draft cards and get into knife fights.  They don't respect their teachers and their parents don't have any control over them.  I tell you, it wasn't like that in my day."

 

50 years ago: July 23rd, 1948

Teen Violence on the Rise

 A Reader's Digest survey revealed yesterday that the number of violent crimes committed by teenagers nationwide rose by 2.4% last year.  The breakdown of the family unit, substance abuse, inappropriate role models, the rising power of gangs and an increasingly permissive society are blamed for the increase.  A spokesperson for the National School Board commented, "These kids today.  They get hopped up on hooch, listen to that awful jazz music, then they want to go out and play 'Chicken' and get into zip-gun fights.  They don't respect their teachers and their parents don't have any control over them.  I tell you, it wasn't like that in my day."

 

100 years ago: July 23rd, 1898

Teen Violence on the Rise

         A study funded by the Daughters of the American Revolution revealed yesterday that the number of violent crimes committed by teenagers nationwide rose by 4.2% last year.  The breakdown of the family unit, substance abuse, inappropriate role models, the rising power of gangs and an increasingly permissive society are blamed for the increase.  A spokesperson for the Brotherhood of Lecturers, Instructors, Ministers and Educators of Youth commented, "These kids today.  They get hopped up on beer, listen to that awful ragtime music, then they want to go out and tip over outhouses and get into fist fights.  They don't respect their teachers and their parents don't have any control over them.  I tell you, it wasn't like that in my day."

  

1,000 years ago: July 23rd, 1098

Teen Violence Ryseth

         Ye Kynge's Specyal Commyffione on Youthef & Cryme announced yesterday that the number of violent crimes committed by teenagers nationwide rose by 5.1% last year.  The breakdown of the family unit, substance abuse, inappropriate role models, the rising power of gangs and an increasingly permissive society are blamed for the increase.  A spokesperson for the Royal Counsellors of Cambridge, Oxford, London and Aquitaine commented, "These kids today.  They get hopped up on mead, listen to that awful troubadour music, then they want to go out and bait bulls and get into mace fights.  They don't respect their teachers and their parents don't have any control over them.  I tell you, it wasn't like that in my day."
 
 



 
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1998 by David Jaggard