Posted
on: July 23rd, 1998
Next issue on:
August 6th
If I: get around
To: it
This issue: The Generic News
your no-name newspaper
Instructions: read once per day to be up to date on all the latest
national and international news.
In the Headlines:
Bad Thing Happens
in Big City
Really Bad Thing
Happens in Foreign Country
Politician Denies
Allegations of Corruption
Other Politician
Sentenced in Corruption Case
Wealthy Man of
Leisure Arrested for Possession of Small Quantity of Recreational Drug
Inside:
World on the Brink of Nuclear
Disaster
World
on the Brink of Economic Disaster
World
on the Brink of Ecological Disaster
World on the Brink of Public
Health Disaster
World
on the Brink of Celestial Disaster
News Analysis:
Today's feature story:
John D. Smith and his wife Mary J. Smith live in a two-story
white frame house on Elm Street in Lebanon, Kansas with their son Junior, their
two dogs Fido and Rover, their parrot Polly, their horse Dobbin, their cow
Bossy and an old Chevrolet they call "The Heap". They were
married on June 15, 1950 and honeymooned in Niagara Falls. Every year on
their anniversary John buys Mary a bottle of Chanel N¡5 and when she wears it
he teases her that she smells like "a French cathouse".
Die-hard Beatles fans, both of them know someone who knows the lady who put the
poodle in the microwave oven. By remarkable coincidence, Mr. Smith is the
man in the famous photo of a sailor kissing a young lady in Times Square at the
end of World War II and his wife is the person about whom Bob Dylan wrote
"It's All Over Now, Baby Blue".
Last Saturday, Mary J. Smith (the "J" is for Jane) became the winner
of the world's biggest-ever lottery jackpot when her numbers came up in the
Kansas state "Win a Lot of Money" drawing. Commenting on her
250 million dollar windfall, Mrs. Smith (nŽe Roe) said, "I knew I was
going to win. I always play the numbers that correspond to my birthday plus the
date of my wedding anniversary. When I bought the ticket last Tuesday, I
just had this feeling." To celebrate their good fortune, the couple
took a trip to Disneyworld, where John sampled the wild game fare on offer in
Adventureland. About the smoked rattlesnake, he had this to say:
"It's actually quite good. It tastes kind of like human baby
flesh."
Business, Travel News:
Stock prices
plummeted around the world yesterday morning in reaction to a statement by
Federal Reserve chairman Alan Greenspan. Later it was revealed that Mr.
Greenspan, who is on vacation in Peru and in any case has laryngitis, didn't
actually say anything yesterday. The statement was traced to a
ventriloquist's dummy dressed to look like Alan Greenspan. Reassured,
stock markets rallied in the early afternoon to reach the same levels where
they started that morning.
Meanwhile, on a narrow winding road in the Andes, a bus carrying 48 people,
including Mr. Greenspan and his entire family, plunged into a ravine killing
everyone on board. Stock prices fell again, until it was revealed that
Mr. Greenspan was not in fact on the bus. He and his family had missed
that bus and taken a later one. So stock prices went back up. Then
at about 4:30 EST the Greenspans' actual bus also went off the same road into
the same ravine, killing everyone on board. Markets around the world
reacted quickly, and by the end of the day all stock prices, and all
Greenspans, had hit rock bottom.
The Weather :
The
Extended Forecast for Your Region
The weather will get better, then worse, then better, then worse, then better, then a lot worse, then worse again, then better, then worse, then a lot better, then better again, then suddenly worse. Then it will repeat this pattern.
Sports Roundup:
The
Latest Soccer Scores from Around the World
0-0, 0-0, 0-1, 0-0, 1-0, 0-0, 1-1, 1-0,
0-0, 1-1, 0-1,
1-0, 0-0, 1-1, 1-0, 1-1, 1-1, 0-1, 0-1,
0-1, 1-0, 0-0,
1-1, 1-1, 1-0, 0-1, 0-1, 1-1, 0-1, 0-0,
1-1, 1-0, 0-1.
Last-minute flash:
120 Dead, 812
Wounded, 2,436 Arrested
Damage Estimated at
$13.4 million
In Other News:
The
White House Special Task Force on Youth and Crime announced yesterday that the
number of violent crimes committed by teenagers nationwide rose by 4.5% last
year. The breakdown of the family unit, substance abuse, inappropriate
role models, the rising power of gangs and an increasingly permissive society
are blamed for the increase. A spokesperson for the National Organization
of Non-University Teachers and Scholars commented, "These kids
today. They get hopped up on crack, listen to that awful rap music, then
they want to go out and spray graffiti and get into gun fights. They
don't respect their teachers and their parents don't have any control over
them. I tell you, it wasn't like that in my day."
From the Archives - Feature Stories
from "The
Generic News" of Yesteryear:
25 years ago: July 23, 1973
The Justice Department announced yesterday that the number of violent crimes committed by teenagers nationwide rose by 3.5% last year. The breakdown of the family unit, substance abuse, inappropriate role models, the rising power of gangs and an increasingly permissive society are blamed for the increase. A spokesperson at the nationwide headquarters of the PTA commented, "These kids today. They get hopped up on pot, listen to that awful rock music, then they want to go out and burn their draft cards and get into knife fights. They don't respect their teachers and their parents don't have any control over them. I tell you, it wasn't like that in my day."
50 years ago: July 23rd, 1948
A Reader's Digest survey revealed yesterday that the number of violent crimes committed by teenagers nationwide rose by 2.4% last year. The breakdown of the family unit, substance abuse, inappropriate role models, the rising power of gangs and an increasingly permissive society are blamed for the increase. A spokesperson for the National School Board commented, "These kids today. They get hopped up on hooch, listen to that awful jazz music, then they want to go out and play 'Chicken' and get into zip-gun fights. They don't respect their teachers and their parents don't have any control over them. I tell you, it wasn't like that in my day."
100 years ago: July 23rd, 1898
A study funded by
the Daughters of the American Revolution revealed yesterday that the number of
violent crimes committed by teenagers nationwide rose by 4.2% last year.
The breakdown of the family unit, substance abuse, inappropriate role models,
the rising power of gangs and an increasingly permissive society are blamed for
the increase. A spokesperson for the Brotherhood of Lecturers,
Instructors, Ministers and Educators of Youth commented, "These kids
today. They get hopped up on beer, listen to that awful ragtime music,
then they want to go out and tip over outhouses and get into fist fights.
They don't respect their teachers and their parents don't have any control over
them. I tell you, it wasn't like that in my day."
1,000 years ago: July 23rd, 1098
Ye Kynge's Specyal
Commyffione on Youthef & Cryme announced yesterday that the number of
violent crimes committed by teenagers nationwide rose by 5.1% last year.
The breakdown of the family unit, substance abuse, inappropriate role models,
the rising power of gangs and an increasingly permissive society are blamed for
the increase. A spokesperson for the Royal Counsellors of Cambridge,
Oxford, London and Aquitaine commented, "These kids today. They get hopped
up on mead, listen to that awful troubadour music, then they want to go out and
bait bulls and get into mace fights. They don't respect their teachers
and their parents don't have any control over them. I tell you, it wasn't
like that in my day."
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©1998 by David Jaggard