David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

Your wet humor warehouse on the Web

Issue number: 5

Posted on: August 4th, 1998

Next issue on: August 21st

Note: This page can now also be accessed through:

http://choppingedge.com/quorum


This issue: Ask Buck

My friend Buck (his real name is Charles, but everybody calls him Buck), former surfer, is now between jobs and since he's got nothing to do all day I figured I'd give him a crack at doing the advice column.
 

Got a problem? Please address your letters to

"Dear Buck" in care of this publication.

 

Dear Buck,
         I have a crippling social problem.  To be more precise, I am a serial killer.  What should I do?  Please answer soon, before I kill again.

Signed,
C.K.
Your City

 

 

Dear C,
         Whoa, dude.  Chill.  Let me think about this for a minute.  Don't want to just rush into things, maybe give you some bad advice.  Wait, I got another letter to take care of here.

Later,
Buck

 

Dear Buck,
         Give me one good reason why I shouldn't jump off this ledge.  Just one.

Signed,
Nobody Listens to Me
Out on a Ledge

 

Dear Nobody,
         Yow -- I thought I had problems.  Give me a sec to get my mind around this, man.  This is gonna take some serious thought.  Meanwhile, I got other letters and stuff to do.

Be getting back to you,
Buck

 

Dear Buck,
         And again.
         I can't help it.

Signed,
C.K.
Your City, but Closer to You Now

 

Dear C.K.,
         Try to relax for a minute, man.  I'm thinking about it. Just hold your horses and I'll try to come up with something for you.

Soon,
Buck

 

Dear Buck,
         You can't even think of ONE  LOUSY REASON?

Nobody Listens
Still on a Ledge

 

Dear N.L.,
         I told you, I'm working on it, man. Just try to deal for a second, huh?

Hang in there,
Buck

 

Dear Buck,
         And, I need hardly add, again.
         I love it.

Signed,
C.K.
Your City, Your Neighborhood

 

Dear C.K.,
         OK, I think I've got something here.  Maybe not the solution to, like, all your problems, but this is something I just want, I'm just asking you to, like, consider.  OK?  OK, here's what I think: what you should do is. . .  Uh-oh, wait a minute, I got an urgent letter here special delivery. I really gotta take care of this one right now, so I'll be getting back to you in two shakes.

Really,
Buck

 

to: Buck
c/o: This Publication (special delivery)
Dear Buck,
         That does it.  I'm out of here.

Signed,
Nobody Listened to Me and You Didn't Either
No Longer on a Ledge

        PS: Aaiiiieeeeeeeee!!!
 

Dear Nobody,
         WAAAAIIIIIT!!!
         Too  late.

Dang,
Buck

 

Dear Buck,
         Kersploosh.

Signed,
The Pavement
Under a Ledge

 

Dear Pavement,
         Bummer.
         Wow, man, like, I tried, you know?
         Or anyway, I was going to.

Aw,
Buck

 
 

To: Mr. Charles Bowbuck, Jr.
c/o: This Publication
From: The State Prosecutor's Office, Your State

Dear Mr. Bowbuck,

         It has come to our attention that you have been posing as some kind of professional psychological counsellor without any kind of training, experience or credentials whatsoever.  Furthermore, it seems that your bumbling, incompetent handling of a recent suicide at 155 Park Highway resulted in the death of one Mr Hank O'Hara, formerly of 1123 Highland Park.  After appealing to you for assistance and receiving nothing worthy of the name, Mr O'Hara propelled himself from a tenth-story ledge and fell to the sidewalk, landing on top of, and killing, a passer-by.  We hold you responsible for this second death as well.
        By remarkable coincidence, the second victim was holding a letter in his hand addressed to you in care of This Publication.  There is a post office across the street and he seemed to be on his way to mail you that letter. We have decided that its content has no bearing on the case and therefore we are forwarding it to you.  The victim has been identified as Mr. Cyril Keeler, loner, who kept pretty much to himself at 2399 Parkland Way.  Here is his letter:
 

Dear Buck,
         And again and again and again and againandagainandagainand. . .  Ooh, I could go on but I have sooo many things to do!

Signed,
C.K.
Your City, Right Outside Your Window

        P.S. Bwahahahaha!!!
 

        Nonetheless, Mr Bowbuck, you are hereby ordered to report to these offices on Monday September 14 at 10:00am to answer the questions of a grand jury investigating these cases.  You have the right to legal counsel.  You have the right. . .
 

Whoa Mr. Prosecutor,
         Hold it right there, man, just cool it for a sec.  I'm just doing, like, the best I can.  What was I supposed to do, like just drop everything and rush over there and. . .  or what? Look, I got more letters to deal with -- we'll talk later.  Promise.

Gotta go,
Buck

 

Dear Buck,
         I know I should take my medicine they told me over and over and over but I just can't make my fingers open the bottle and then I can't even find the bottle and then there he is again, staring me in the face, Yelling in my eArs, telLing me wHat to dO, WheN, HOW and T0 WHOM!
        And nobody believes me.

Signed,
Trent Meekshot
To Be Released Soon and Hanging Out at Your Bus Stop

 
 

Hey Everybody,
         That's it, that's the straw. I've had it up to here and before I go take a dry dive myself I am getting. . .

Out of here,
Buck
No Longer at This Publication

 
 

Got a problem? From now on, please address your letters to "Dear Trent" in care of this publication.

 


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