Issue number: 5
Posted on: August 4th, 1998
Next issue on: August 21st
Note: This page can now also be accessed through:
This issue: Ask Buck
My friend Buck (his real name is Charles, but everybody calls
him Buck), former surfer, is now between jobs and since he's got nothing to do
all day I figured I'd give him a crack at doing the advice column.
Got a problem? Please address your letters to
"Dear Buck" in care of this publication.
I have a crippling social problem. To be more precise, I am a serial killer. What should I do? Please answer soon, before I kill again.
Whoa, dude. Chill. Let me think about this for a minute. Don't want to just rush into things, maybe give you some bad advice. Wait, I got another letter to take care of here.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't jump off this ledge. Just one.
Nobody Listens to Me
Out on a Ledge
Yow -- I thought I had problems. Give me a sec to get my mind around this, man. This is gonna take some serious thought. Meanwhile, I got other letters and stuff to do.
Be getting back to you,
I can't help it.
Your City, but Closer to You Now
Try to relax for a minute, man. I'm thinking about it. Just hold your horses and I'll try to come up with something for you.
You can't even think of ONE LOUSY REASON?
Still on a Ledge
I told you, I'm working on it, man. Just try to deal for a second, huh?
Hang in there,
And, I need hardly add, again.
I love it.
Your City, Your Neighborhood
OK, I think I've got something here. Maybe not the solution to, like, all your problems, but this is something I just want, I'm just asking you to, like, consider. OK? OK, here's what I think: what you should do is. . . Uh-oh, wait a minute, I got an urgent letter here special delivery. I really gotta take care of this one right now, so I'll be getting back to you in two shakes.
c/o: This Publication (special delivery)
That does it. I'm out of here.
Nobody Listened to Me and You Didn't Either
No Longer on a Ledge
Under a Ledge
Wow, man, like, I tried, you know?
Or anyway, I was going to.
To: Mr. Charles Bowbuck, Jr.
c/o: This Publication
From: The State Prosecutor's Office, Your State
Dear Mr. Bowbuck,
It has come to
our attention that you have been posing as some kind of professional
psychological counsellor without any kind of training, experience or
credentials whatsoever. Furthermore, it seems that your bumbling,
incompetent handling of a recent suicide at 155 Park Highway resulted in the
death of one Mr Hank O'Hara, formerly of 1123 Highland Park. After
appealing to you for assistance and receiving nothing worthy of the name, Mr
O'Hara propelled himself from a tenth-story ledge and fell to the sidewalk,
landing on top of, and killing, a passer-by. We hold you responsible for
this second death as well.
By remarkable coincidence, the second victim was holding a letter in his hand addressed to you in care of This Publication. There is a post office across the street and he seemed to be on his way to mail you that letter. We have decided that its content has no bearing on the case and therefore we are forwarding it to you. The victim has been identified as Mr. Cyril Keeler, loner, who kept pretty much to himself at 2399 Parkland Way. Here is his letter:
And again and again and again and againandagainandagainand. . . Ooh, I could go on but I have sooo many things to do!
Your City, Right Outside Your Window
Mr Bowbuck, you are hereby ordered to report to these offices on Monday
September 14 at 10:00am to answer the questions of a grand jury investigating
these cases. You have the right to legal counsel. You have the
right. . .
Whoa Mr. Prosecutor,
Hold it right there, man, just cool it for a sec. I'm just doing, like, the best I can. What was I supposed to do, like just drop everything and rush over there and. . . or what? Look, I got more letters to deal with -- we'll talk later. Promise.
I know I should take my medicine they told me over and over and over but I just can't make my fingers open the bottle and then I can't even find the bottle and then there he is again, staring me in the face, Yelling in my eArs, telLing me wHat to dO, WheN, HOW and T0 WHOM!
And nobody believes me.
To Be Released Soon and Hanging Out at Your Bus Stop
That's it, that's the straw. I've had it up to here and before I go take a dry dive myself I am getting. . .
Out of here,
No Longer at This Publication
Got a problem? From now on, please address your letters to "Dear Trent" in care of this publication.
This page is intended to be an unrestricted, open forum for me to shoot my mouth off. I think of it as a monument to freedom of speech: mine. If you re-use any of this material, please give me credit. I'd also appreciate it if you'd let me know that you used it. While you're at it, give me a link.
A new article will be posted every two weeks or when I get
around to it, whichever comes last.
Previous articles are available on request. Requests, complaints, compliments and crank commentary should be e-mailed to me at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
¨©1998 by David Jaggard. All rights reserved worldwide.