Issue number 51 September 28, 2003
Quorum of One is intended for adult readers
The E-mail Marketer at Home
What if spammers led their daily lives according to their own marketing principles?
--- Good morning, darling.
--- Morning, honey. Do you want some coffee?
--- No thanks, I'll just get myself some orange juice.
--- OK. Want some coffee?
--- No... I said I'll just have juice.
--- Mm-hmm. Want any coffee?
--- No, I don't want any coffee!
--- In response to your question: Yes, absolutely! Now, then: Do you want some coffee?
--- What question? I never asked you anything! But in response to your question: No! Absolutely not! I DON'T WANT ANY COFFEE!
--- I hear you. Want some coffee?
--- What is with you? Why do you keep asking me if I want coffee when you know perfectly well that I don't?
--- I am making this offer because at some time you contacted me to express an interest in drinking coffee.
--- That's crap! You know I never drink coffee!
--- Or because a third-party source has informed me that you would be interested in coffee drinking.
--- What "third-party source"? The dog?
--- Oh! That reminds me! There's something VERY URGENT that we need to discuss RIGHT AWAY!
--- About the dog? What is it?
--- It's THIS: Do you want some coffee?
--- Look, I don't want any coffee, all right? So stop asking me. From now on I don't even want to hear you say the word "coffee".
--- OK, fine. Whatever. How about some kaw-phee?
--- Or maybe some cough-ee, or some top-quality, low-priced c.o.f.f.e.e?
--- Some c@ff¨£¨£ perhaps?
--- Do I even need to answer that?
--- Wait, the phone's ringing... Hello? Oh, honey, it's for you. It's Clint Eastwood. He wants to know if you want some coffee.
--- I don't believe this.
--- No, wait --- it's a long-lost friend of yours. You went to school together. He asked me to ask if you want some coffee.
--- Yeah, right.
--- Woops, my mistake. It's not an old friend, it's this really hot guy who's been admiring you from afar. He thinks you're the greatest and he wants to take you out on a date tonight. But first, how about some coffee?
--- What does it take to get you to shut up about coffee?
--- It's simple! All you have to do is reply, "No more offers of coffee, please."
--- All right already: "No! More! Offers! Of! Coffee! PLEASE!!"
--- OK, OK! All you had to do was say so.
--- Fine. Can I drink my juice now?
--- Sure. And would you like some coffee with that?
¨©2003 by David Jaggard
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