David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

Issue number 51                September 28, 2003

Wet humor on the Web since 2003

 

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Quorum of One is intended for adult readers


 
This issue:

The E-mail Marketer at Home

What if spammers led their daily lives according to their own marketing principles?

 

---    Good morning, darling.

---    Morning, honey. Do you want some coffee?

---    No thanks, I'll just get myself some orange juice.

---    OK. Want some coffee?

---    No...  I said I'll just have juice.

---    Mm-hmm. Want any coffee?

---    No, I don't want any coffee!

---    In response to your question: Yes, absolutely! Now, then: Do you want some coffee?

---    What question? I never asked you anything! But in response to your question: No! Absolutely not! I DON'T WANT ANY COFFEE!

---    I hear you. Want some coffee?

---    What is with you? Why do you keep asking me if I want coffee when you know perfectly well that I don't?

---    I am making this offer because at some time you contacted me to express an interest in drinking coffee.

---    That's crap! You know I never drink coffee!

---    Or because a third-party source has informed me that you would be interested in coffee drinking.

---    What "third-party source"? The dog?

---    Oh! That reminds me! There's something VERY URGENT that we need to discuss RIGHT AWAY!

---    About the dog? What is it?

---    It's THIS:  Do you want some coffee?

---    Look, I don't want any coffee, all right? So stop asking me. From now on I don't even want to hear you say the word "coffee".

---    OK, fine. Whatever. How about some kaw-phee?

---    WHAT?

---    Or maybe some cough-ee, or some top-quality, low-priced c.o.f.f.e.e?

---    NO!

---    Some c@ff¨£¨£ perhaps?

---    Do I even need to answer that?

---    Wait, the phone's ringing... Hello? Oh, honey, it's for you. It's Clint Eastwood. He wants to know if you want some coffee.

---    I don't believe this.

---    No, wait ---  it's a long-lost friend of yours. You went to school together. He asked me to ask if you want some coffee.

---    Yeah, right.

---    Woops, my mistake. It's not an old friend, it's this really hot guy who's been admiring you from afar. He thinks you're the greatest and he wants to take you out on a date tonight. But first, how about some coffee?

---    What does it take to get you to shut up about coffee?

---    It's simple! All you have to do is reply, "No more offers of coffee, please."

---    All right already: "No! More! Offers! Of! Coffee! PLEASE!!"

---    OK, OK! All you had to do was say so.

---    Fine. Can I drink my juice now?

---    Sure. And would you like some coffee with that?

 

 

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¨©2003 by David Jaggard

 

 

 

 

 

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