Issue
number 52 December
15, 2003
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Quorum of One is intended for adult readers
This
issue:
An open letter to
Don McLean, singer-songwriter who wrote
and recorded the 1971 hit "American Pie"
Dear Mr. McLean,
I heard your song again
today. It was on the sound system at the supermarket. Before I go on, let me
congratulate you for having written such a long-lasting, perennial hit. I'm
sure the royalties on such a piece of intellectual property are better than a
thousand IRAs. However, since it seems that your song, unlike Buddy Holly, is
never going to die and I'm going to be hearing it now and then against my will
for the rest of my life, I was wondering if you could make a couple of changes
in the lyrics.
Don, I'm sure you know the
expression "rhyme or reason". But what you obviously don't know is
this: you need both. Let's think -- for one of us apparently for the first time
-- about the second line of the chorus: "Drove my Chevy to the levee but
the levee was dry." Why do you sound disappointed here, Don? What were you
expecting? You wanted a wet levee? The entire point of a levee is to contain a
body of water, so if it were not dry, then you'd have something to be
disappointed about, like for instance your Chevy getting washed away in a
mudslide. Indeed, if the levee had not been dry you probably couldn't have
driven there in the first place.
Clearly, this
line makes no sense. You could just as well have written:
Built a fountain by the
mountain but the mountain was high.
Saw my granny shake her
fanny but my granny was spry.
Ate papaya in Pattaya but
Pattaya was Thai.
Heard some bon mots 'round
Lake Como but those bon mots were wry.
Bought some henna in
Vienna, but the henna was dye.
Actually that last one, by
using a noun instead of an adjective for the "pie" rhyme, brings us
to my other complaint, which concerns the very next line: "And them good
old boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye." Surely I'm not the first person
ever to point this out: Don, rye is whiskey. Saying "whiskey and
rye" is as redundant and pointless as saying "pasta and
spaghetti". If everyone used your style of nomenclature for foods and
beverages, menus for state dinners would look like this:
Nuts and cashews
Appetizers and hors
d'oeuvres
Cocktails and martinis
Soup and gazpacho
Salad and fresh greens with
dressing and vinaigrette
White wine and Chardonnay
Beef and filet mignon with
brown sauce and gravy
Rice and pilaf
Red wine and Cabernet
sauvignon
Mineral water and Perrier
Fruit and strawberries
Cakes and petits fours
Champagne and Dom Perignon
Coffee and espresso
Brandy and cognac
I'm sure you get my point.
So if you could see your way to coming up with better lyrics for those two
lines, rerecording the song, recalling all existing copies of the original
version and replacing them with the new one, I, and all of humanity, would be
eternally (and I mean that literally) grateful.
Thanks in advance,
David Jaggard
©2003
by David Jaggard
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