Issue
number 56 July
3, 2004
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Quorum of One is intended for adult readers
This issue:
The Wishful Want Ads
dedicated to
Steve Foster
Couple seeks apartment to rent, 3 bedrooms minimum, central city
location only, 2nd or 3rd floor, high ceilings, fully furnished, $340 per month
max incl. utilities. Southern exposure, easy parking, low crime neighborhood a
must. Must be convenient to shops, services and schools (elementary, secondary,
college and special ed). Also must have fully equipped kitchen and laundry
room, quiet neighbors who like children and can babysit sometimes, and be
within two blocks of a park where we can walk our rapidly expanding family of
high-spirited but totally harmless rottweilers. Call 555-4652 between 7:10 and
7:30 am or 11:30 and 11:45 pm. No voicemail or answering machine. Keep trying!
Owner offers semi-furnished room to rent in lovely private home. Single bed in a
cozy, original space convenient to the stairs. Might not be suitable for the
taller tenant. Double occupancy with adorable family pet. $880 per month plus
electricity, water, gas, telephone, fair share of property tax and depreciation
on fixtures and furnishings. Renter must supply a six-month damage deposit,
five bonded references, and be ready to move out with half-day notice at any
time. No smokers, drinkers, snorers, swearers or frowny sourpusses please. Ref
18322.
PhD in philosophy seeks well-paid position with major supermarket
chain. Excellent qualifications for comparing different categories of produce,
advising on pastry possession-consumption dilemmas, steering male customers to
the butcher's section or toxic products aisle, convincing shoppers in the
bakery to accept partial loaves, providing post-accident counseling in the
dairy department, etc. Terms to be defined. Ref 11367.
22-year-old high school graduate seeks telecommuting position in
charge of software ordering for large corporation. I may not have a fancy
college degree, but due to my life experience I have developed an encyclopedic
knowledge of certain categories of software, lightning-fast reflexes and
prize-winning hand-eye coordination. I would like to make my contribution from
home according to a schedule determined not by arbitrarily-imposed temporal
parameters but rather by my own natural circadian rhythms (research shows that
this is the most efficient way to work). Company must be willing to provide
state-of-the-art computer, outsized plasma screen, broadband modem, ISP
subscription, color printer-fax-scanner and joystick. In case I'm faced with a
close decision, a comfortable recliner and a set of surround speakers might tip
the scales. Ref 11352.
Privately funded entertainment company seeks field representatives to
initiate, coordinate and supervise outdoor gaming events. Candidates must have
excellent reduced-deck card-handling skills and be able to make change, figure
simple odds, and keep up an unrelenting stream of upbeat semicomprehensible
patter. Screening of applicants will include a short physical fitness test
involving running the 200-yard dash in an urban environment while carrying a
large collapsible cardboard display unit. Criminal record no obstacle, a must
for former law enforcement employees. Ref. 11289.
Subsidiary of multinational corporation seeks hard-working
self-starters to fulfill key role in the supply chain of a recession-proof
product with steady demand. The right candidates will enjoy working in a
naturally climate-controlled environment fully protected from harmful
ultraviolet radiation, performing easily learned tasks related to the
extraction of an internationally prized condiment of mineral origin. Tools and
work clothes provided. Wages variable depending on education, experience,
stamina, will to live, etc. No health benefits, but guaranteed immunity against
goiters. Ref 11003.
Moving: everything must go! Three unvarnished wooden planks four to five feet
long, $25. Set of 22 mostly identical bricks, $12.50. Extensive collection of
used paperbacks, many with covers, including Steppenwolf, The Glass Bead
Game, One Hundred Years of Solitude, The Bell Jar, The Prophet, On the Road,
Catcher in the Rye, Slaughterhouse 5, Catch 22 and A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Universe, $10 per book, two for $18.50. One
quality paperback copy of Ulysses, mint condition, $25. Stereo system with
turntable, AM radio, double cassette player, one speaker that kind of doesn't
work some of the time, $250 or best offer. 174 home-recorded audio cassettes
($10 apiece) and 68 videotapes ($15) featuring various bands, movies, TV shows,
some with the end not cut off. 127 soft-porn magazines from 1987-2003, $5 each.
Single-burner hotplate, cord needs retaping in a couple of places, $30. One
double-size mattress (no box spring), bottom surface like new, $120. Small
vacuum cleaner, never used, $60. Ref 18521.
Times Square, December 31, 1996
I was standing right behind you. At about 11:35 I was jostled by the
crowd and almost stepped on your heel. Can't stop thinking about you. Please.
Ref. 18831.
Oscars night, February 29, Kodak Theatre, Los Angeles
You: the pretty blonde in an evening gown walking up the red carpet.
Me: in the crowd of onlookers wearing a Lakers cap and plaid windbreaker and
yelling, "Hey! Charlize! Hey! Charlize! Hey! Charlize!" over and
over. Just for a second our eyes met, right before you turned to that security
guy and said, "Can you get that ((man)) out of here?!" Electricity
passed between us. Didn't you feel it too? If you're not seeing anyone right
now, what say we get together? Ref. 18843.
No.53 bus, last Thursday at 5:15 pm
You got on at 12th Street and sat by the aisle. You were wearing a
green shirt and dark brown jacket. You pulled out a newspaper and read for a
few minutes. At 22nd you moved over to let a woman with packages sit down. At
23rd you noticed a sign in a storefront offering a good price on electric
drills. You resumed reading the paper, turned to the travel section and started
thinking about your upcoming vacation in Colorado. Suddenly you noticed that
you were getting hungry. OK, actually: you were me. This is the only way I'm
ever going to recognize myself in one of these fucking ads. Ref 18945.
Very talented, sensitive poet seeks publisher and/or literary agent
to launch career. Ref 18675. Serious replies only please.
Improvisational modern dancer seeks venue for groundbreaking, cutting-edge
interactive performance that will literally shatter the barriers between
audience and performer, dance and politics, art and life. Hall must seat a
minimum of 500 people. I'll need six nights in a row including a weekend any
time between August 13th and September 4th. Ref 18746. Notice to other dancers:
prepare to be bah-lone ah-wayyyyy.
Musicians wanted: Rock band seeks experienced, motivated, inspired lead singer, lead guitarist, bassist, keyboard player, drummer and sound man. Must have own equipment, PA, mikes, monitors, mixing board, van, manager, songs and gigs. And a really good name. Plus a good guitar and amp you can lend me -- preferably a Les Paul Goldtop 1956 or 57, with the pickup covers taken off. And a pick. Ref 18791. Let's make music together!
©2004
by David Jaggard
Don't
read this: QOO is a humor site devoted to parody, satire,
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funny news, satires of the news, parodies of the news, humorous news, news
jokes, newspaper parodies, newspaper satires, literary parodies, literary
satires, literary satire, literary parody, satirical literature, parodies of
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humorous music, comic songs, funny lyrics, comic lyrics, humorous lyrics,
novelty songs, political satire, political humor, political humour, funny want
ads, want ad humor, funny missed connections ads, missed connection parodies,
missed connections parodies, missed connections satires, missed connection
satire, want ad humour, want ad jokes and getting as many possible search
engine keywords into this paragraph as possible. I warned you.