Issue number: 6
Posted on: August 26th, 1998
Next issue on: September 5th
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This issue: News
medium-intensity earthquake juddered through the San Francisco region this
morning at 6:05 am PST, causing minor damage. No injuries were
reported. Lasting eight seconds and registering 5.4 on the Richter scale,
the temblor brought back memories of the major earthquake which devastated the
city and left thousands homeless in 1989. Seeking to calm the public's
fears of another "big one", a spokesperson for the International
Advanced High-Performance Cutting Edge All-Digital Recently Updated Center for
the Most Accurate and Reliable Possible Seismological Research, Analysis and
Forecasting As Seen On TV said: "Generally speaking, in most cases an
earthquake of this type usually precedes or follows another tremor of greater
or lesser intensity which might take place minutes, hours, days or even years
before or after the quake in question. Or this could be an
exception. So as you can see, there's absolutely nothing to worry
about." The press conference was cut short immediately after this
statement when a cloud of dust obscured journalists' vision as the entire staff
of the center leapt into their cars and took off at a high speed, headed
Unborn Child Youngest Ever to be Charged with Murder
third-trimester unborn baby boy opened fire with an assault rifle at a pre-natal
care clinic on Thursday, killing seven people, including his own doctor, and
wounding four others, two of them critically. The child's name is being
withheld due to his age and the fact that he doesn't have one yet. His
mother, in an attempt to come to terms with her child's actions, said:
"Well, it's true that he kept pretty much to himself. But we never
expected anything like this. We had been playing him those 'Learn in the
Womb' tapes with the alphabet and Mozart symphonies on them and everything."
The puerile perp, who is due to be born on October 10th, was able to purchase an AK-47 and 2,000 rounds of ammunition at a local gun shop by lying about his age. Lou Snuts, the owner of Lou's All-Nite Gun Shop and Prescription Drug Sample Giveaway Center in Miami, where the tiny terminator bought his weapon, commented, "Well, we try to be pretty strict around here. We don't sell guns to just anybody. We check 'em out pretty thorough. But, you know, once in a while someone just sort of slips through, like. It's to be expected. Everybody makes mistakes. No system is perfect. One thing you got to admit, though -- at least he didn't have a prior record." Apparently the child's mother entered the store on July 15th to get a sample of Prozac and the ruthless rugrat took advantage of a moment of inattention to purchase and conceal the weapon. "How the little skeeter managed to do it is beyond me," commented Miami Chief of Police Manny Gottmee, "but there you have it. We can't change the past. What's done is done. You can't bring the dead back to life. It's time to move on. It's water over the bridge. I mean dam."
Florida state judge Howie Scroodus has until Thursday of next week to decide whether or not to try the feisty fetus as an adult. If convicted as such, he would become the youngest defendant in US history ever to face the death penalty. Furthermore, with Florida's recently-enacted legislation for speeding up the legal process and ridding the courts of their huge backlog of cases, the wily womb raider could possibly be convicted and executed before he is born. For the moment, he is being held under house arrest and must wear an ankle bracelet 24 hours a day, no matter what he is doing.
Asked -- not all that insistently -- for comment, the president of the National Arms Devotees Association, O'Thorn La Stench, had this to say: "This case proves one thing and one thing only: training in the proper use of firearms can't start too early. If that child's parents had been listening to one of our fine pre-natal gun safety programs on CD like 'Hunting in the Uterus' or 'Come Out Shootin'!' instead of that crappy Mozart stuff, things probably would have turned out different. A child is never too young to learn the four basic principles of handling firearms:
1) Never point a gun at anything you don't want to kill;
2) Which is everything, so go ahead and wave that sucker around like a drunken octopus on a Tilt-a-Whirl;
3) Guns don't kill people, people with guns kill people, and:
4) When guns are outlawed, outlaws with guns won't kill. . . no, wait. . .
4) When outlaws are outgunned, only inmates will be outlaws. No, that's not it. . .
4) You'll get my gun when my in-laws get an outhouse. Hang on, I'll get it. . .
4) They'll get my goat when gun laws are outlined, only outboards will have inlays.
. . . Something like that."
Center for Disease Control Warns Public
of New "Mad Cow" Menace
The National Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia (also known as the
Youngman-Oldman Unit for Diseases, Infections and Epidemics) announced
yesterday that 417 cases of a new and particularly fast-acting strain of
so-called "mad cow" disease have been detected in the United
States. Affecting even lifelong vegetarians and, of course, incurable
like the more familiar strain previously identified, this disease seems to be
transmitted by merely thinking about the possibility of contracting it.
So far there is no hope for a cure, but three stages have been identified in
the malady's progress. The first symptom is the ability to pronounce
"Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy". In the next stage, the
victim suffers a breakdown in the mental process for making simple binary
decisions, such as whether or not to use foul language in front of one's
grandmother or to fart loudly during weddings and funerals. The tertiary stage
is marked by short but startlingly violent fits of sneezing, coughing, burping,
yawning and hiccupping, all at once. Sufferers compulsively seek out
crowded theaters in which to yell "Fire!" However, researchers
noted that in 62% of the cases, the victim displays none of these symptoms and
simply dies suddenly with no warning whatsoever, invariably just before sex.
Inside: Congress Overturns President's Veto
of Bill Revoking Ban
on Ceilings for Import Limit Restrictions
Today's News Quiz:
Q: Is the President in favor of more or fewer imports?
Send your answer to "News Quiz" in care of this
publication. First correct answer will win a trip to Washington D.C. to
explain it to the President.
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