Issue number 62 September 19, 2005
Quorum of One is intended for adult readers
for Dealing with Hugo Chavez
Memo to: All staff
re: Our policy as regards to Hugo Chavez
I have prayerfully meditated what our course of action ought to should be here, and with God's direct right-hand help I have concocted the following ten-point plan that I want to see implemented at all levels as soon as possible post-haste.
I bet this Chavez guy is probably, like most of these South American types, pretty religious. So one thing that would really get his goat would be for us to be worshipping a different God before his. We'll find out what God he worships and whatever one it is we'll all just pick another one and worship the bejesus out of Him. I guess my first guess would be that Chavez is probably Catholic, but if any of you have any information to the different please let me know asap. If he is a Papist, then I guess we got this one covered already, but it's always good to check.
Since this Venezuelan despot loves oil so much, I've been thinking it would also upset his apple cart if he saw all of us suddenly focusing our attention on some other worthy commodity. So I was trying to think, of something that they also have down there South of the Border and that we have in spades up here, and what I'm thinking is: beef. What would you all think about a nice, tasteful statue of a little old cow? Made of solid gold? Sound good? And we'll put it in some prominent place like up on a platform and put a spotlight on it at night and hold ceremonies in front of it and so forth and that will get our message across that: Mr. Bigshot Chavez, we don't NEED you. OR your oil. OR your skinny grass-fed steers. Or whatever it is you eat down there. Because we have good old AMERICAN BEEF. Hah.
Christ on a crutch, I can't find my notes for number three! Harry: find those papers we were working on yesterday with Point 3 on them and get them on my desk. And make it snappy. Jeeee-zus, what I have to put up with around here.
Before I forget, let me just put in here that I've researched this thing and I think that: any operations overt or covert we might undertake, they should all be scheduled for a Sunday. Ol' Hugo will never suspect us to take action against him on the sabbath so we'll have the crucial element of surprise. Also it's just a good day to do any kind of stuff like this.
Another way to really do this dude a disservice would be to attack his parents. I understand those Latin he-men are actually real mama's boys, so how about a smear campaign on his mother, perhaps calling his legitimacy into question? Note to Herb: see what kind of slime you can rake up or make up on this Chavez's mom and investigate how best to leak it to the press.
Now let's think again about my original proposal. What I exactly said was that we should "take him out", and I didn't mean "to the ball game". Yes, we should not rule out the possibility of just offing the guy. Icing him. Invoking the life insurance clause in the mortgage on his hacienda. Do I have to make it any clearer than that? I want everyone who has any experience in the use of firearms, explosives, poisons, this kind of thing, to start looking into ways and means. Travel and equipment expenses will be reimbursed upon presentation of CLEARLY LEGIBLE receipts. I don't want another accounting mess like that time we tried to get Hillary.
Now here's a kind of a delicate point that I hesitate to bring up in mixed company but these are difficult times. I know that these Latino macho men are very jealous. It's part of their nature. So it would really score a triple-pointer against H.C. if someone had an affair with his wife. After much contemplation and prayer, I have decided to propose my own services for this perilous but vital assignment. Contrary to what many of you seem to think, if the graffiti in the South Chapel men's room is anything to go by, I still have it in me and I would consider it a holy mission to connivingly win the favors of this senora solely for the purpose of spreading freedom in the world, etc. A man in my position commands a certain amount of allure at any age, take my word for it. Note to Shirley: find out whatever you can about Mrs. Chavez, including favorite flowers and perfume. And phone number, if she has a private line. Then polish up my turquoise bolo tie and leave the rest to me.
Thinking more of the bottom line here, another possible approach would be to just go in and go after what we really want: that's right, petroleum. So why not put together a little mercenary battalion or two and seize Venezuela's oil production? Just hold 'em off at bazookapoint, load that crude onto our tankers, ship it up to our Gulf seaports and leave their ill-trained ragtag army wondering what happened. In other words, why should we pay for unleaded when we can siphon off a tankful under the fence?
I've done some asking around and, you'll never believe this but it turns out the Venezuelan ambassador to the United States lives, get this: right next door to me! This is a golden opportunity! I'm going to initiate a bogus lawsuit against this guy, trumping up some property dispute or whatever, in order to get him ultimately expelled from the country and then Chavez won't have any representation here at all! Now is that thinking or what?
And then when Senor Ambassador is forced to move out I'll buy up his house and property. Note to Mel and Harry: find out if the Venezuelan ambassador has any domestic staff in the place or any livestock, particularly oxen or donkeys. Because if he does, I want 'em.
OK everybody, now I want to see some action on all of these points! Starting yesterday! And remember: God has given me his personal assurance that we are doing the entirely right thing here. He's on our side all the way! And you can count on that just like if it was engraved in stone.
¨©2005 by David Jaggard
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