David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

Issue number 63                  November 30, 2005

Wet humor on the Web since, oh, a while back now I guess.

 

 

 

For information on my compositions...

 

 

 

Quorum of One is intended for adult readers


 
 This issue:

From the Pop Culture Dead Letter Office

 

 

 

July 17, 1963

 

From:
Malley & Torelli

Bill Collection, Private Investigation

2117 E. 58th St.
New York, NY 10138

 

To:

Mr. Michael Corleone

1 Westshore Drive

Lake Tahoe, NE 80229

 

Dear Sir:

 

In our capacity as representatives for Bellini Bros. Inc., owners and operators of Louie's Italian American Restaurant, 3179 Bronx Boulevard, New York, NY 10131, we are writing to request payment of an outstanding bill.

On the evening of February 12, 1946, you dined in said restaurant in the company of one Mr. Virgil Sollozzo, self-employed entrepreneur, and Captain Mark McClusky of the New York City Police Department, both deceased. The bill for your table shows one small antipasta platter, two orders of mussel soup, three orders of veal picatta (a fine choice), a magnum of the house's best wine (Barolo Grigio 1932, well worth a try), two tiramisus and one slice of lemon cake. The total comes to $24.57, excluding tips but including the desserts, which were not served but as they had already been prepared and entered on the bill are legally inclusive in the liability.

As the only surviving member of your party, we must assume that you were intending to pick up the tab for this meal. We hereby request that you remit payment in full, plus the sums of $37.40 for interest and damages (including the cost of replacing two chairs, one tablecloth, four glasses, the headwaiter's pacemaker and 24 rolls of paper towels) and $189.95 in collection fees and processing costs. The total (see attached itemized list) comes to $251.72, not including the gratuity for your waiter, although since he died of shock shortly after your departure from the premises, we are willing to forego this customary nicety. Furthermore, unclaimed property found near your table, in the form of a 5-shot Smith & Wesson 38 caliber revolver with a taped grip, was auctioned and the value of the weapon allotted to defray collection expenses, which otherwise would have been higher.

We realize that $251.72 is a sizeable bill for three partially-consumed, and in the majority of cases undigested, dinners, but you must consider that our agents have been trying to track you down for a number of years. In the spring of 1947 they had located you in a villa in western Sicily, but they apparently arrived just moments after your departure. In the courtyard they found the burned-out, still smoking wreck of an automobile with a woman's corpse in the driver's seat. Being professional investigators as well as bill collectors, they examined the hulk and determined that the explosion was caused by a leak in the fuel line which was ignited by a spark from the starter. A local man, apparently a servant of yours, was seen running from the property as our men approached, but he returned in a few minutes, explaining that he had eaten some bad scungulli the previous night and had urgently needed to relieve himself. This person informed our agents of your sudden and inexplicable disappearance.

Several years later two of our agents attempted to serve you with papers concerning this matter by introducing themselves clandestinely onto the grounds of your property in Lake Tahoe during what appeared to be a celebration of some sort. Since it was impossible to speak to you during the day, they approached your front door that night, intending to hand you the dossier and depart, but they became disoriented in the dark and found themselves in the back of the house, outside your bedroom windows. Shortly thereafter two of your own guards located them and opened fire with machine guns, killing both agents instantly. An investigation into this incident is ongoing and it is not yet known whether you will be liable for civil charges as an accessory to these deaths.

In any case, we hope that we will receive payment (certified check or money order only) from you soon so that we may clear up this long-standing debt. In anticipation of your cooperation, we remain faithfully yours...

 

 

 

 

January 14, 1967

 

From:

T.Q. Olufson

National Parks Service

1278 Jefferson Boulevard

Washington, D.C. 10203

 

To:

Mr. Paul Simon

1759 Central Park West

New York, NY 10012

 

Dear Mr. Simon,

 

We have completed our review of the photographic documentation of the event described in your 1966 song "The Sound of Silence" and we regret to inform you that the figures cited in your lyrics seem to be grossly exaggerated. In the third verse you report having seen "ten thousand people, maybe more". The National Park Service monitored the entire crowd from helicopters and our estimate of the headcount that day is closer to 3,500. Since you claim to have seen the gathering "in the naked light" surely you must have realized that there were nowhere near as many participants in this bizarre ritual as you allege. We trust that you will correct your figures in all future recordings and performances of this song.

 

Sincerely yours...

 

 

 

 

March 23, 1962

 

From:

California Highway Patrol

Branch Office 211

433137 Imperial Avenue

Los Angeles, CA 92451

 

To:

Mr. Brian Wilson

1455 Hedgerow Circle

Hawthorne, CA 92438

 

Dear Sir:

 

Enclosed you will find a citation for a moving violation in the amount of $55.00 imputed to a vehicle registered in your name. This vehicle was recorded on traffic surveillance cameras engaged in what appears to be a "drag race" on Waterfront Drive, Long Beach, CA, on the evening of March 4. The incident began at 9:27 pm at the intersection of the 1800 block, where the road changes from four lanes to six. You have been identified as the driver of a silver Chevrolet Corvette Stingray. Yours and another vehicle, namely a blue Dodge 413, were photographed standing side by side at a red light with large quantities of exhaust emanating from the tailpipes. Of course our visual evidence is not a film with soundtrack, but one can only conclude that it must have sounded real mean.

In the next photo, the light had turned green and both vehicles apparently accelerated to a high rate of speed. You and the Dodge were then captured in time-stamped photos by cameras in subsequent blocks, which prove that you continued to exceed the speed limit for slightly more than one-quarter of a mile. It appears that the Dodge, which given its rapid acceleration must have been equipped with dual quad ram induction, really "dug in", so to speak, and gained an early lead in your little informal competition. Black streak marks in your lane indicate that your rear tires must have spun considerably at the outset (you might want to check the tread -- just a suggestion). But given the fact that both vehicles arrived nearly simultaneously at the 2600 block, we have been led to understand that you have a fuel-injected engine sitting under your hood.

In case you, or millions of fans, might be interested, the end of the race was exceedingly close and only our final photographs show incontrovertibly who won. But we are not legally authorized to divulge that information.

 

Signed...

 

 

 

 

March 14, 1966

 

From:

Paul Eaglott Language School

118 Leicester Square #12H

London, UK XKE-MI5

 

To:

Mr. Paul McCartney

31 Earl's Court Lane

London, UK DV8-BA4

 

Dear Mr. McCartney,

 

We were given your name by Mr. Mrs. Miss Michelle Devreaux, who thought that you might be interested in our self-improvement program entitled Learn French at Home in Your Spare Time. As you can see from the enclosed brochure, our learn-at-your-own-speed system is based on the latest scientific pedagogical methods, which actually allow you to make more progress than you would in a regular French course.

Perhaps you are one of those people who find themselves strongly motivated to communicate in a foreign language but unable to summon up anything but a faint smattering of what they had learned in secondary school. So in delicate situations with non-English speakers, you end up using the only words you know that they will understand, backing up your feeble attempts in their language with simple, three-word declarative sentences and repeating them loudly several times in the wild hope that your listener will know what you mean. But if you really want to "get to" the other person, that's where the Paul Eaglott system comes in. With our learn-at-home language course, you'll find that working or studying full-time and learning French "vont tres bien ensemble"!

To order, simply detach the coupon at the bottom of this page...

 

 

 

 

October 12, 1964

 

Dear Gilligan,

 

Here's your ring back, you spineless scumbag. I never want to see it or you again. Look, if you didn't have the guts to break up with me in person you could have at least called. But no, instead you act all lovey-dovey and all "I just have to work for three hours this afternoon and then I'm taking you out to dinner," and then you vanish for five weeks without so much as a postcard. Five weeks! It's like you got blown away!

OK, so I just want to know one thing: Who is she? Some rich bitch you met on one of your "luxury" tours who wanted a little hanky-panky with a mighty sailin' man like you? Or did you just decide to dump me in the wild hope of realizing your ludicrous fantasy of meeting some movie star and going off to a secluded island with her? As if! It doesn't take a college professor to calculate the odds on that ever happening!

So let me know who it is -- you owe me that much -- and then you're out of my life forever, you cowardly loser. And don't try to weasel out of telling me either -- I know you're still around because every time I drive by the marina I see your car sitting there, right in its usual spot.

It could really use a wash, by the way.

 

Get lost,

Heather

 

 

 

 

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¨©2005 by David Jaggard

 

 

 

 

 

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