Issue
number 63 November
30, 2005
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Quorum of One is intended for adult readers
This issue:
From the Pop
Culture Dead Letter Office
July 17, 1963
From:
Malley & Torelli
Bill Collection, Private Investigation
2117 E. 58th St.
New York, NY 10138
To:
Mr. Michael Corleone
1 Westshore Drive
Lake Tahoe, NE 80229
Dear Sir:
In our capacity as representatives for
Bellini Bros. Inc., owners and operators of Louie's
Italian American Restaurant, 3179 Bronx Boulevard, New York, NY 10131,
we are writing to request payment of an outstanding bill.
On the evening of February 12, 1946,
you dined in said restaurant in the company of one Mr. Virgil Sollozzo, self-employed entrepreneur, and Captain
Mark McClusky of the New York City Police Department,
both deceased. The bill for your table shows one small antipasta platter, two
orders of mussel soup, three orders of veal picatta (a fine choice), a magnum
of the house's best wine (Barolo Grigio 1932, well worth a try), two tiramisus
and one slice of lemon cake. The total comes to $24.57, excluding tips but
including the desserts, which were not served but as they had already been
prepared and entered on the bill are legally inclusive in the liability.
As the only surviving
member of your party, we must assume that you were intending to pick up the tab
for this meal. We hereby request that you remit payment in full, plus the sums
of $37.40 for interest and damages (including the cost of replacing two chairs,
one tablecloth, four glasses, the headwaiter's pacemaker and 24 rolls of paper
towels) and $189.95 in collection fees and processing costs. The total (see
attached itemized list) comes to $251.72, not including the gratuity for your
waiter, although since he died of shock shortly after your departure from the
premises, we are willing to forego this customary nicety. Furthermore,
unclaimed property found near your table, in the form of a 5-shot Smith &
Wesson 38 caliber revolver with a taped grip, was auctioned and the value of
the weapon allotted to defray collection expenses, which otherwise would have
been higher.
We realize that $251.72 is
a sizeable bill for three partially-consumed, and in the majority of cases
undigested, dinners, but you must consider that our agents have been trying to
track you down for a number of years. In the spring of 1947 they had located
you in a villa in western Sicily, but they apparently arrived just moments
after your departure. In the courtyard they found the burned-out, still smoking
wreck of an automobile with a woman's corpse in the driver's seat. Being
professional investigators as well as bill collectors, they examined the hulk
and determined that the explosion was caused by a leak in the fuel line which
was ignited by a spark from the starter. A local man, apparently a servant of yours,
was seen running from the property as our men approached, but he returned in a
few minutes, explaining that he had eaten some bad scungulli the previous night
and had urgently needed to relieve himself. This person informed our agents of
your sudden and inexplicable disappearance.
Several years later two of
our agents attempted to serve you with papers concerning this matter by
introducing themselves clandestinely onto the grounds of your property in Lake
Tahoe during what appeared to be a celebration of some sort. Since it was
impossible to speak to you during the day, they approached your front door that
night, intending to hand you the dossier and depart, but they became
disoriented in the dark and found themselves in the back of the house, outside
your bedroom windows. Shortly thereafter two of your own guards located them
and opened fire with machine guns, killing both agents instantly. An
investigation into this incident is ongoing and it is not yet known whether you
will be liable for civil charges as an accessory to these deaths.
In any case, we hope that
we will receive payment (certified check or money order only) from you soon so
that we may clear up this long-standing debt. In anticipation of your
cooperation, we remain faithfully yours...
January 14, 1967
From:
T.Q. Olufson
National Parks Service
1278 Jefferson Boulevard
Washington, D.C. 10203
To:
Mr. Paul Simon
1759 Central Park West
New York, NY 10012
Dear Mr. Simon,
We have completed our
review of the photographic documentation of the event described in your 1966
song "The Sound of Silence" and we regret to inform you that the
figures cited in your lyrics seem to be grossly exaggerated. In the third verse
you report having seen "ten thousand people, maybe more". The
National Park Service monitored the entire crowd from helicopters and our
estimate of the headcount that day is closer to 3,500. Since you claim to have
seen the gathering "in the naked light" surely you must have realized
that there were nowhere near as many participants in this bizarre ritual as you
allege. We trust that you will correct your figures in all future recordings
and performances of this song.
Sincerely yours...
March 23, 1962
From:
California Highway Patrol
Branch Office 211
433137 Imperial Avenue
Los Angeles, CA 92451
To:
Mr. Brian Wilson
1455 Hedgerow Circle
Hawthorne, CA 92438
Dear Sir:
Enclosed you will find a citation for a
moving violation in the amount of $55.00 imputed to a vehicle registered in
your name. This vehicle was recorded on traffic surveillance cameras engaged in
what appears to be a "drag race" on Waterfront Drive, Long Beach, CA,
on the evening of March 4. The incident began at 9:27 pm at the intersection of
the 1800 block, where the road changes from four lanes to six. You have been
identified as the driver of a silver Chevrolet Corvette Stingray. Yours and
another vehicle, namely a blue Dodge 413, were photographed standing side by
side at a red light with large quantities of exhaust emanating from the
tailpipes. Of course our visual evidence is not a film with soundtrack, but one
can only conclude that it must have sounded real mean.
In the next photo, the light had turned
green and both vehicles apparently accelerated to a high rate of speed. You and
the Dodge were then captured in time-stamped photos by cameras in subsequent
blocks, which prove that you continued to exceed the speed limit for slightly
more than one-quarter of a mile. It appears that the Dodge, which given its
rapid acceleration must have been equipped with dual quad ram induction, really
"dug in", so to speak, and gained an early lead in your little
informal competition. Black streak marks in your lane indicate that your rear
tires must have spun considerably at the outset (you might want to check the
tread -- just a suggestion). But given the fact that both vehicles arrived
nearly simultaneously at the 2600 block, we have been led to understand that
you have a fuel-injected engine sitting under your hood.
In case you, or millions of fans, might
be interested, the end of the race was exceedingly close and only our final
photographs show incontrovertibly who won. But we are not legally authorized to
divulge that information.
Signed...
March 14, 1966
From:
Paul Eaglott Language School
118 Leicester Square #12H
London, UK XKE-MI5
To:
Mr. Paul McCartney
31 Earl's Court Lane
London, UK DV8-BA4
Dear Mr. McCartney,
We were given your name by Mr. Mrs.
Miss Michelle
Devreaux, who thought that you might be
interested in our self-improvement program entitled Learn French at Home in
Your Spare Time. As
you can see from the enclosed brochure, our learn-at-your-own-speed system is
based on the latest scientific pedagogical methods, which actually allow you to
make more progress than you would in a regular French course.
Perhaps you are one of those people who
find themselves strongly motivated to communicate in a foreign language but
unable to summon up anything but a faint smattering of what they had learned in
secondary school. So in delicate situations with non-English speakers, you end
up using the only words you know that they will understand, backing up your
feeble attempts in their language with simple, three-word declarative sentences
and repeating them loudly several times in the wild hope that your listener
will know what you mean. But if you really want to "get to" the other
person, that's where the Paul Eaglott system comes in. With our learn-at-home
language course, you'll find that working or studying full-time and learning
French "vont tres bien ensemble"!
To order, simply detach the coupon at
the bottom of this page...
October 12, 1964
Dear Gilligan,
Here's your ring back, you spineless
scumbag. I never want to see it or you again. Look, if you didn't have the guts
to break up with me in person you could have at least called. But no, instead
you act all lovey-dovey and all "I just have to work for three hours this
afternoon and then I'm taking you out to dinner," and then you vanish for
five weeks without so much as a postcard. Five weeks! It's like you got blown
away!
OK, so I just want to know one thing:
Who is she? Some rich bitch you met on one of your "luxury" tours who
wanted a little hanky-panky with a mighty sailin' man like you? Or did you just
decide to dump me in the wild hope of realizing your ludicrous fantasy of
meeting some movie star and going off to a secluded island with her? As if! It
doesn't take a college professor to calculate the odds on that ever happening!
So let me know who it is -- you owe me that much
-- and then you're out of my life forever, you cowardly loser. And don't try to
weasel out of telling me either -- I know you're still around because every
time I drive by the marina I see your car sitting there, right in its usual
spot.
It could really use a wash, by the way.
Get lost,
Heather
©2005
by David Jaggard
Don't
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& Garfunkel jokes, Gilligan's Island humor, Gilligan's Island jokes,
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