David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

Issue number 65                  April 9, 2006

Wet humor on the Web since, oh, a while back now I guess.




For information on my compositions...




Quorum of One is intended for adult readers

 This issue:


A list of lists

with a special contribution from a guest author



Thoughts that movie actors are perfectly justified in having but that they should never under any circumstances express out loud


I didn't get paid enough.

The award should have gone to me.

People don't realize just how hard I work.

Having famous parents hasn't helped me one bit.

Being a celebrity is pure hell.

Hey -- I think I'd make a pretty good governor!



Items I'm too embarrassed to ask for at Home Depot

by guest contributor Karen Wise, author of the only blog I actually read with any regularity



screw nuts


low-flow male

female-to-female jack

pop-up ball joint rod

iron bender head

flex-shaft attachment

heavy-duty hole shooter



Trick trick questions


What color is the Golden Gate Bridge?

What color is an airplane's black box?

What state is Kansas City in?

How long was the Hundred Years War?
In which state was Tennessee Williams born?

What are the ingredients in an egg cream?

What country do Panama hats come from?



11 hopelessly pathetic name puns and the number of matches for each on Google as of April 8, 2004


Al Coholic                               23,800

Dan Druff                               18,000

Artie Choke                              2,540

Gil Bates                                      987

Stan Dupp                                   718

Cora Napple                                157

Stu Pidjerk                                    50

Darrell Bubble                               23

Aaron Drunner                               6

Nora Whimper                                1

Art Henry Phil Zanoff                    0



"Virgin" cocktail recipes for teetotalling purists


Virgin Dry Martini

Put three ounces of crushed ice in a cocktail shaker. Shake. Throw out. Place olive in a stemmed glass. Serve.

(Note: For a Virgin Gibson, replace olive with a pickled baby onion.)


Virgin Manhattan

Place four ice cubes in a Manhattan glass. Add maraschino cherry. Garnish with slice of lemon zest. Serve.


Virgin Margarita, "up"

Line rim of old-fashioned glass with salt. Squeeze in juice of 1/2 lime. Serve.


Virgin Flaming Shot of Drambuie

Pour 1/2 ounce of Drambuie in glass. Ignite with a match. Wait until all the liquid is burned away. Serve immediately.


Virgin Scotch, "neat"

Take shot glass. Serve.


Virgin Boilermaker

Drop shot glass into empty half-quart beer mug. Chug-a-lug!


Virgin Irish Coffee

Place a penny in the bottom of a coffee mug. Pour in hot coffee until you can't see the penny. Do nothing until you can see the penny again. Sugar to taste and top with whipped cream. Serve hot.


Purple Mary Punch

Buy 100 (or more) plastic cups. Provide felt-tip markers for guests to write their initials on their cups so they won't lose them. Borrow or rent a 20-quart punchbowl. Place punchbowl in washtub full of crushed ice. Add contents of 12 packets of grape Kool-Aid brand fruit drink mix. It's party time!










copyright 2006 by David Jaggard






Don't read this: QOO is a humor site devoted to parody, satire, parodies, satires, jokes and humor, jokes and humour, news parodies, news satires, funny news, satires of the news, parodies of the news, humorous news, news jokes, newspaper parodies, newspaper satires, literary parodies, literary satires, literary satire, literary parody, satirical literature, parodies of literature, satires of literature, strange monologues, funny lists, list humor, humorous lists, humourous lists, list parodies, list satires and getting as many possible search engine keywords into this paragraph as possible. I warned you. About the translation / traduction of Air France Madame Magazine and Nancy Li