David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

The wet humor warehouse on the Web

Issue number: 7

Posted on: September 13th, 1998

Next issue on: September 27th,

Although I have been known to be as much as: 10 days late

Giving me something in common with: Amtrak


This issue: Letters to the Editor


To the Editors:

        Why does everybody say "refrigerator"?  This is clearly a misnomer.  Say you just finished dinner and you want to put the leftovers away.  There they are, sitting in the serving bowl, still steaming.  You cover the bowl with plastic wrap and stick it in the "refrigerator" to get "refrigerated", right?  Wrong!  That food isn't being "re-frigerated" - it's hot, so it's now being "frigerated", or cooled for the first time!
        We don't say "refreezer" do we?  No -- when you want to freeze something you put it in the "freezer".  So we should all stop calling those things "refrigerators" and start calling them "frigerators".  I am going on hunger strike starting today and will not eat until this glaring abuse of our language is eradicated from everyday speech throughout the country.

Goin' hungry,
Wade Mervin
Heedagun, Idaho


To the Editors:

        I like to drive fast.  Understand me? Fast. Don't like to drive slow.  You say the speed limit is 55, I say 80.  You say 70, I say 95.  You say 20 and "School Zone", I say 55 and "Run, Patrol Boy, Run".  The second the light turns green, I floor it and I don't care who or what is in my path. If you're in front of me on the highway and going 2 m.p.h. slower, I don't care if it's on a bridge, on a curve, on a hill or on the moon -- you get passed and fast, buddy.  Maybe 50 yards from my driveway.
        Can't help it, I just like to drive fast.

Gus Gazzler
Iffatree Falls, Montana


P.S. Don't like to drive slow.


To the Editors:

        I just thought of something.  Sometimes you have stuff in the so-called "refrigerator" that was cold before it went in, like soft drinks, and after you drink some the unfinished bottle is still cold when you put it back in.  So I guess in that case the name "refrigerator" is OK.  So from now on let's call them "frigerator-refrigerators".  And while we're at it, we should start saying "freezer-refreezer" because sometimes you put in stuff that comes frozen already, like ice cream and fish sticks.
        I'm still on hunger strike, waiting for everybody to straighten out and talk right.

Gettin' hungrier,
Wade Mervin


Dear Sirs:

         We can't have a president who lies!
         We need a president who can't recall!

   Shary E.


To the Editors:

        Wait -- there's something else.  It just occurred to me that a lot of the hot or warm food you put in the "refrigerator" was in fact cold once, because maybe it was kept in cold storage at the grocery store or in a warehouse someplace.  So even if it warms up on the shelf before you buy it, I guess it's still OK to say "refrigeration" for a lot of things.  But wait a minute -- how is it kept in cold storage in the store?  In a so-called "refrigerator", that's how!  Ho-Ho! So never mind, I was right the first time, and the hunger strike is still on.

Listenin' to the rumble,


Dear Editors:

        You want to know how smart I am? I thought so.  Here's just one thing: I never buy any products that appear in advertisements.  You want to know why? Huh? I'm gonna tell ya!  Because:  you think advertising is free?   Hah!  Have I got a news flash for you! Advertising costs MONEY!  A LOT of money!! And do you think FOR ONE MINUTE that the companies that pay so DEARLY for all of that PRECIOUS advertising don't then see fit to PASS on the exPENSE to the HAPless consumer?  Do You?  Well?  Answer me!  OF COURSE THEY DON'T!  It's the conSUMer who has to PAAAAAY!!!  ER-GO: when you buy advertised goods you are indirectly paying for the advertising itself!  Ever think of that?  That's what I figured.
        Am I smart or what?

Bud Dingnut,
Oak Rapp, Tennessee


To the Editors:

        Me again.  I've been thinking about the whole process of where our food comes from and whether it is ever naturally cold enough somewhere along the line to justify the use of the word "refrigerating" to refer to putting it in the "refrigerator".  Well, most vegetables and fruit grow in the sun and have to be warm to ripen.  So that's out.  And red meat, poultry and dairy products come from warm-blooded animals, so they're naturally hot to begin with and therefore have to be "frigerated" somewhere along the line.  But fish are cold-blooded.  So I guess when you put fish and seafood in your "refrigerator" you are indeed "re-frigerating" it, but everything else no.  So let's stick with "frigerator-refrigerator".
        Yes, I am still on hunger strike.  Come on, everybody, let's get with it.

Countin' my ribs on both hands,

To the attention of: The Editors of This Publication

        Am I the only one who noticed that CNN's international news bureau in Seoul was transferred to Tokyo only two weeks before North Korea launched a so-called "test" missile?  Was this a coincidence?  Or is there some particularly good reason why the "powers that be" would want to participate so flagrantly in a carefully-orchestrated bald-faced news blackout to prevent honest citizens from knowing anything about the communists' latest shameless attempt to take over the world?
        I hereby call upon all Americans who aren't already brainwashed and blinded by the media's misinformation campaign about the alleged "fall of the Soviet Union" to join me in denouncing this clear violation of our right to know.  I want to see every senator, congressman and newspaper editor in the whole country getting bags of mail on this topic.  Let's jam the switchboard at every CNN office in the world!  Let's file suit in every national and international court!!  I entreat every last American to go on strike immediately and refuse to work one more minute until this situation is exposed and rectified!!!  We must all give up sleep and devote our lives 24 hours a day to spreading the word and fighting back before it's too late!!!!
        Unless you like kimchee on your cornflakes.

Pat Crock
Out There

To the Editors:

        Uh oh.  I may have made a big mistake.  I saw this science show on TV the other day that said that all the matter in the universe was once contained in a "vast cold cloud" before the Big Bang.  Yes, "cold." So I guess you could say that all the food we eat was once cold, in a sense, because the matter that constitutes it was once part of this "vast cloud".  Dang.  It looks like "refrigerator" was the right word all along.
        Trouble is, I don't know if this pre-Big Bang cloud was just cold or was actually freezing cold, so I'm still not sure whether we should be saying "freezer" or "refreezer".  Anyway, I guess I'm off hunger strike now, except I don't feel like eating because all I have in the refrigerator is a bunch of cold leftovers.

5 lbs lighter!

Correction: In a news story two issues ago, this publication erroneously reported that the CNN international news bureau in Seoul had been transferred to Tokyo.  In fact, it was the Sky TV Asian Sports bureau which had been transferred from Tokyo to Seoul.  We regret the error.


This page is intended to be an unrestricted, open forum for me to shoot my mouth off.  I think of it as a monument to freedom of speech: mine.   If you re-use any of this material, please give me credit.  I'd also appreciate it if you'd let me know that you used it.  While you're at it, give me a link.

A new article will be posted every two weeks or when I get around to it, whichever comes last.
Previous articles are available on request.  Requests, complaints, compliments and crank commentary should be e-mailed to me at: djaggard@choppingedge.com.    


 ¨©1998 by David Jaggard.  All rights reserved worldwide.