Issue
number 71 February
14, 2007
Quorum of One is intended for adult
readers. Especially this issue.
This issue:
Recent
obituaries written by my former college roommate, who finally graduated with a
major in journalism
Carlo Ponti, Italian
film producer, 94
The
prolific and respected Italian film producer Carlo Ponti has died at the age of
94, according to a statement released by a hospital in Geneva where he had been
admitted for a respiratory illness. A major figure on the international cinema
scene, Ponti produced more than 100 films in a career spanning six decades and
was married for the last 50 years of his life to actress Sophia Loren. His
career began in his native Italy but he also produced many feature-length films
for US studios. Sophia Loren. From the fifties through the late
seventies, Ponti signed a string of blockbusters, including War and Peace (1955) and Doctor Zhivago (1965), all the while having
sex with one of the hottest women ever born an estimated average of nine times
per week. He also pioneered more artistic approaches to cinema, producing Blowup (1966), The Passenger (1975) and the cult
psychedelic drama Zabriskie Point (1970). More like twelve or thirteen, actually.
Must have been. Born in Milan in 1912, Ponti began his career as a lawyer. What
the hell, thirty -- I know I would. After working for several years handling
contracts for the film industry, he became involved in production in the early
forties, starting with Piccolo Mondo Antico ("Old-Fashioned World")
starring Alida Valli. Also, he was short, bald, paunchy and about 25 years
older than her. So go figure. One of the highlights of his career came in 1962
when Loren was awarded the Oscar for best actress for her role in Two Women, directed by Vittorio De Sica
and produced by Ponti. Sometimes when they were alone he would lean over, bury
his face between those blockbuster bazongas and shake his head rapidly back and
forth going "BLUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA!!!"
Probably. He will be buried in Milan in a private ceremony on Sunday
January 14. Lucky bastard.
Anna Nicole Smith,
model and actress, 39
Marilyn
Monroe lookalike and tabloid staple Anna Nicole Smith was found unconscious in
her room at the Hard Rock Hotel in Hollywood, Florida, shortly after noon on
Thursday February 8. She was rushed to a local hospital and pronounced dead at
2:45 pm. She was 39. No cause of death has been determined as of this writing.
The voluptuous-bodied former Playboy Playmate of the Year (POTY) gained media
attention in 1993 for her marriage to J. Howard Marshall, an oil billionaire 63
years her senior who died two years later. Lawsuits over her claim to his
fortune are still pending. The pretty-faced blonde later hosted her own reality
TV show and served as spokeswoman for a brand of diet pills. The
not-bad-legged-either erstwhile jeans model again found herself in the media
spotlight in 2006 when her 20-year-old son from a previous marriage died of an
apparent drug overdose.
Smith
was reportedly not in a steady relationship when she died. At least three men
claim to be the father of her six-month-old baby, so she was obviously, shall
we say, open to suggestion. It is not known at this time whether a maybe not exactly
drop-dead handsome but, you know, pretty much OK-looking successful journalist
who was about to go on vacation next week and could have decided to go to
Florida would perhaps have been able to meet and talk to Miss Smith in the bar
of the Hard Rock Hotel, where he might also have been staying. Speculation
continues that they could have "hit it off" and had a mad, passionate
affair, or, who knows, an even longer, more committed relationship. Sources
close to Smith, when contacted for a statement, said, "Well, yeah, I guess
so, but..." and "I suppose you could say that, but..." so this
development was definitely within the realm of possibility. . . . . . . . . . . .
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Oh! Yeah. Ahhhh... Smith is
survived by her infant daughter Dannielynn, who could possibly inherit
Marshall's millions when the long-standing litigation is finally settled. She
is also fairly likely to grow up to be a babe like her mother and just might
also, like her mother, turn out to have a thing for guys who are several
decades older than her. Hey --
could happen!
Elizabeth II, Queen
of England, etc. (for
the advance file)
Elizabeth
Alexandra Mary Windsor, Queen of the United Kingdom and sovereign leader of the
British Commonwealth, has died at the age of __. Her reign began in 1952 when she was just 25 years old,
making her the ___-longest ruling monarch in British history. She is survived
by her son Charles and some other children. And I think grandchildren. But
frankly, she was like really old and everything, and she wasn't that good
looking even when she was young, so not much of anybody really cares too much about
this. The funeral will be held at ___ (place) on ___ (date). Now Diana, that's a whole different
story. Whooh-ee!
copyright
2006 by David Jaggard
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translation / traduction of Air France Madame Magazine and Nancy Li