David Jaggard's

Quorum of One

Issue number 71                  February 14, 2007

Wet humor on the Web since before Donald Rumsfeld even started screwing up.


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Quorum of One is intended for adult readers. Especially this issue.

 This issue:

Recent obituaries written by my former college roommate, who finally graduated with a major in journalism



Carlo Ponti, Italian film producer, 94

       The prolific and respected Italian film producer Carlo Ponti has died at the age of 94, according to a statement released by a hospital in Geneva where he had been admitted for a respiratory illness. A major figure on the international cinema scene, Ponti produced more than 100 films in a career spanning six decades and was married for the last 50 years of his life to actress Sophia Loren. His career began in his native Italy but he also produced many feature-length films for US studios. Sophia Loren. From the fifties through the late seventies, Ponti signed a string of blockbusters, including War and Peace (1955) and Doctor Zhivago (1965), all the while having sex with one of the hottest women ever born an estimated average of nine times per week. He also pioneered more artistic approaches to cinema, producing Blowup (1966), The Passenger (1975) and the cult psychedelic drama Zabriskie Point (1970). More like twelve or thirteen, actually. Must have been. Born in Milan in 1912, Ponti began his career as a lawyer. What the hell, thirty -- I know I would. After working for several years handling contracts for the film industry, he became involved in production in the early forties, starting with Piccolo Mondo Antico ("Old-Fashioned World") starring Alida Valli. Also, he was short, bald, paunchy and about 25 years older than her. So go figure. One of the highlights of his career came in 1962 when Loren was awarded the Oscar for best actress for her role in Two Women, directed by Vittorio De Sica and produced by Ponti. Sometimes when they were alone he would lean over, bury his face between those blockbuster bazongas and shake his head rapidly back and forth going "BLUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA-LUBBA!!!"  Probably. He will be buried in Milan in a private ceremony on Sunday January 14.  Lucky bastard.



Anna Nicole Smith, model and actress, 39

       Marilyn Monroe lookalike and tabloid staple Anna Nicole Smith was found unconscious in her room at the Hard Rock Hotel in Hollywood, Florida, shortly after noon on Thursday February 8. She was rushed to a local hospital and pronounced dead at 2:45 pm. She was 39. No cause of death has been determined as of this writing. The voluptuous-bodied former Playboy Playmate of the Year (POTY) gained media attention in 1993 for her marriage to J. Howard Marshall, an oil billionaire 63 years her senior who died two years later. Lawsuits over her claim to his fortune are still pending. The pretty-faced blonde later hosted her own reality TV show and served as spokeswoman for a brand of diet pills. The not-bad-legged-either erstwhile jeans model again found herself in the media spotlight in 2006 when her 20-year-old son from a previous marriage died of an apparent drug overdose.

       Smith was reportedly not in a steady relationship when she died. At least three men claim to be the father of her six-month-old baby, so she was obviously, shall we say, open to suggestion. It is not known at this time whether a maybe not exactly drop-dead handsome but, you know, pretty much OK-looking successful journalist who was about to go on vacation next week and could have decided to go to Florida would perhaps have been able to meet and talk to Miss Smith in the bar of the Hard Rock Hotel, where he might also have been staying. Speculation continues that they could have "hit it off" and had a mad, passionate affair, or, who knows, an even longer, more committed relationship. Sources close to Smith, when contacted for a statement, said, "Well, yeah, I guess so, but..." and "I suppose you could say that, but..." so this development was definitely within the realm of possibility. . . . . . . . . . .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .   .    .   .   .   .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .      .      .      .      .      .      .      .      .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .      .      .      .      .      .      .      .     .     .     .     .      .      .      .      .      .      .      .     .     .     .     .      .      .      .      .      .      .      .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .     .      .      .      .      .      .      .      .      .        .       .       .       .       .        .          .           .           .             .              .              .                 .                .                   Oh! Yeah.  Ahhhh... Smith is survived by her infant daughter Dannielynn, who could possibly inherit Marshall's millions when the long-standing litigation is finally settled. She is also fairly likely to grow up to be a babe like her mother and just might also, like her mother, turn out to have a thing for guys who are several decades older than her.  Hey -- could happen!



Elizabeth II, Queen of England, etc. (for the advance file)

       Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor, Queen of the United Kingdom and sovereign leader of the British Commonwealth, has died at the age of __.  Her reign began in 1952 when she was just 25 years old, making her the ___-longest ruling monarch in British history. She is survived by her son Charles and some other children. And I think grandchildren. But frankly, she was like really old and everything, and she wasn't that good looking even when she was young, so not much of anybody really cares too much about this. The funeral will be held at ___ (place) on ___ (date).  Now Diana, that's a whole different story. Whooh-ee!





copyright 2006 by David Jaggard






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