Issue number: 8
Posted on: September 28th, 1998
Next issue on: October 10th
What comes after this next colon: nothing
This issue: News Again
(all articles in this issue were written by special correspondent Frank Tedesco)
Roy Koenig, a German citizen who lives in Paris, earned the dubious distinction
last Thursday of becoming the one millionth tourist to be murdered while on
vacation in Florida. Koenig was killed shortly after driving his rental
car away from the Hertz lot at Miami International Airport. His attackers
followed him in a lime green 1992 Ford van with smoked glass windows,
pornographic murals painted on both sides and vanity plates reading
"Gimme". Once out on the freeway, the assailants forced
Koenig's vehicle off the road, opened fire with a short-barreled Smith and
Wesson .38 and a nickel-plated Glock 9mm semi-automatic pistol with the
initials "B.D." scratched into the grip, and then robbed the
terrified Teuton of his luggage, jewelry and cash. They later pawned his
valuables at AAAAA Aaron "The Ace" Loans and Tropical Fish, 555 555th
Avenue in Miami, and then went to Louis Ludwig's Lowlight Lounge to celebrate
their "score". By remarkable coincidence, this crime's MO fits
the exact same description as every single one of the other 999,999 tourist
murders in Florida, down to the last detail. The police have no leads and
no suspects. Florida State trooper Rex King, who was first to arrive on
the scene, commented, "I sure feel sorry for the guy. It could have
been me!" King's partner Regis Rey added, "It could have been
any of us!"
Koenig was aware of the spate of tourist killings in Florida and had thoroughly prepared for the trip, learning fluent English and Spanish (including Cuban, Mexican and Dominican accents and slang), memorizing a map of Miami so he wouldn't have to ask for directions, and specifying to Hertz that he wanted a dented and scratched ten-year-old car with at least one mismatched fender, redneck bumper stickers, bullet-proof windows and door panels and no visible logos or other indications of being a rental. He had also completed an eight-year course in karate, earning his brown belt, and was wearing a bullet-proof vest and Kevlar helmet at the time of the shooting. Florida congressman Mart O'Hammer commented, "This case proves one thing and one thing only: when you come to south Florida, you have to be careful."
The results of
a 5-year study by the New York-based National Center for Economic Impact
Studies show that alcoholism represents a drain on the American economy of
about $46.4 million every year. Center spokesperson Nero Weiss said that
the expenses are mostly due to employee absenteeism, medical bills, counseling
and treatment programs.
The results of
a 5-year study by the Los Angeles-based Federal Institute for Financial Effect
Surveys show that alcoholism represents a boon to the American economy of
approximately $46.41 million every year. Institute spokesperson Blanche
Schwartz said that the profits mostly benefit temporary help agencies,
hospitals and health care workers, substance abuse counselors and treatment
Today is DAY FIVE of "The Lumberjack Diet"
The fast way to lose weight while clear-cutting 15,000 board-feet of raw timber every day, by dietitian DuBois Holtzbaum M.D.
4 dozen eggs, hard-boiled
6 pounds of bacon, crisp-fried
77 pieces of toast, no butter, no jam
100 pancakes, no butter, no syrup
3 gallons of black coffee
5 whole chickens, with the skin removed
Sawmill Salad: 4 heads of lettuce, 22 tomatoes, 7 cucumbers, chopped and tossed, no dressing
7 gallons of tap water
6 large bags of low-salt, low-fat potato chips (no dip)
3 gallons of diet soda
One hindquarter of beef, with all the fat trimmed off, boiled or grilled
15 lbs. mashed potatoes, no butter, no gravy
6 lbs. steamed green beans
4 gallons of light beer
2 gallons of unflavored gelatin topped with one pineapple ring
Academy Announces New Ways You Could Be Killed that You Probably Haven't Thought of Before
The Academy for Indexing Endangerment in Everyday Existence has released its annual report. Topping the list of this year's hitherto unsuspected, commonplace but fatal pitfalls is freshly-squeezed fruit juice. Academy spokesperson Rose Schussel clarified, "We have a case on record of a man who bought a glass bottle of that freshly-squeezed non-pasteurized orange juice with a tightly sealed cap. You know how the pulp always settles to the bottom, so you have to shake it up before pouring? Well, this particular bottle had been left out of the refrigerator for too long and the orange juice in it had fermented. So when he shook it, massive amounts of carbon dioxide were released, the bottle exploded and a huge, jagged, razor-sharp projectile of glass sliced through his jugular vein at an estimated 475 mph, imbedding itself in the wall behind him so deep that rescue workers were unable to pull it out, even with needlenose pliers. Hah." Academy chairman Mort Todd added, "Betcha never worried about that one before! Heh-heh."
The next sections of the report are mostly devoted to amateurish "OJ did it" jokes. Most surprising, though, is the Academy's revelation that the world's soil supply has dwindled down to an amount insufficient to sustain viable agriculture. Jacques Bruder, the researcher in charge of the case, explained, "You know how when you buy fresh vegetables, there's always a little bit of dirt on them that you have to wash off? Especially leeks? Well, it turns out that nobody was monitoring this, and we just found out that that 'little bit of dirt' on every vegetable in every food store in the world has been adding up over the years, and now there's hardly any topsoil left anywhere. It's all been washed down drains and ultimately dumped into the ocean. Illinois, for example, now has only three tablespoons of high-grade loam left. Can't grow much alfalfa in that, can you? We figure that the last few grains of soil in the world will be on the shelf and then down the sewer by about 4:00 pm next Thursday, and then it's no more agriculture, folks. So we're all going to starve. Sorry about that -- I guess somebody should have thought of this a little sooner."
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