Issue number: 9
Posted on: October
16th, 1998
I know I said that it
would be posted on: October 10th
Next issue on:
Halloween
If I'm: lucky
My favorite punctuation mark: :
Likes fancy restaurants, trendy nightclubs
Very
attractive, sexy young woman seeks unattached man for evenings out, maybe more
if every single little detail is exactly perfect according to my unannounced
and constantly-changing personal criteria. Write to ref. 3053 in c/o This
Publication. I said maybe.
Have you got what it takes?
Exceedingly
handsome, financially independent man in his mid-40s seeks Ms. Right.
Must be able to pull her own weight, handle herself with aplomb in tricky
situations, talk her way out of big trouble, win difficult people over to her
way of thinking and save the day in a life-or-death emergency. Our first
date will be a test of all those things and if we stay together, "pop
quizzes" will arise from time to time when you least expect it.
Write to ref. 3162 in c/o This Publication. Sense of humor a must.
Calling all men!
Hey,
all you guys out there! I don't care how old you are, what you look like,
what your race or religion is, how much money you have, how much you weigh, or whether
you have a nice personality or not. Just leave me alone. Under no
circumstances respond to ref. 0613 in c/o This Publication. And don't
look at me like that either.
Schlepping Beauty seeks Prince Charming
Youngish,
prettyish woman, shallowish, tired of the endless unrelenting stream of guys
who say they're not ready to commit. And then seems like they all get
married about six months after we break up. Hmmm. Anyway, I'd like
to find a guy who's really ready to give all of his love right now and keep on
giving and giving and giving it, a guy who's not necessarily rich or anything
but who can support me no problem and won't get his Jockeys all in a sheepshank
if I blow a few hundred on clothes now and then, a guy who will be ready to
rear my children in case I might ever someday maybe decide I want any, a guy
who'll stand by me through hard times, illness, stress, migraines and
inexplicable mood swings, a guy who can wait up already for like five or ten
minutes while I'm getting ready to go out, a guy who wouldn't even think in his
dreams of dreaming of thinking of another woman, a guy who gets along really
well with my mom even when she forgets her medication, a guy who knows what I
want even before I do and gets it for me on the double, who knows how to show
me a good time even when I don't feel like doing anything and isn't too
"manly" to wait on me hand and foot. Why can't I find a guy
like that? Write to ref. 3935 in c/o This Publication. Go on, show
my friends that they're wrong.
Looking for that extra-special someone
Are
you that one in a million? The lucky woman selected from among the
thousands who respond to this ad will be swept away to a magical dreamland
where she is Her Majesty the All-Powerful Empress and I am her Dutiful Servant,
throwing myself at her feet and asking only to fulfil her every whim and
desire. Then, after about 72 hours of that, she can start making all the
meals, doing all the shopping and housework, picking up my dirty socks and
toenail clippings from wherever I happen to drop them, pulling my hair out of
the shower drain, and going around the house turning off the appliances, lights
and faucets that I leave on if I feel like it. Sometimes I don't flush
the toilet either. Take it or leave it at ref. 3766 c/o This
Publication. P.S. It'll have to be your place, 'cause I live with
my parents.
She wants a stand-up kind of guy
Young
woman seeks handsome man, 35-44, who is willing to take the blame for
everything. We don't agree on something, I win. We have an argument, you
lose. Then you apologize. You are responsible for anything that
goes wrong no matter how inconsequential and any unpleasantness no matter how
slight, including that caused by other people, unforeseen circumstances, acts
of God or the weather. If you can't take the heat, don't respond to ref. 3560
in c/o This Publication. No phonies please.
Last man on earth
Take
a look at this face! Of course you can't see me here in this ad, but you
know what I mean. Any woman would give her right arm to have a guy this
good looking, right? Well guess again, cause otherwise why would I be
running a personal? Truth be told, I'm a selfish, lazy, irresponsible,
substance-dependent, violence-prone emotional three-year-old looking for a woman
who's willing to work two jobs to support me while I lie around the house chain
smoking and watching TV all day when I'm not out cheating on her. Could
that be you? Ref. 2903 in c/o This Publication. Hey -- I can't help
it. It's just the way I am.
Love
is never having to say "Officer!"
Do
you believe in love at first sight? Well this 34-year-old, unmarried,
non-smoking man sure does. Maybe I could fall in love with you, a pretty,
non-smoking woman, 25-35, preferably blonde. And what is love? Love
is being ready to do anything -- anything! -- to win the heart of my
beloved. Love is dropping whatever else I'm doing, cancelling all my
appointments and quitting my job to spend 24 hours a day seeking that ultimate
celestial paradise, letting nothing get in the way of my quest for happiness,
never taking "no" for an answer, going to any lengths to convince her
of my undying devotion, never deterred by any social, logistical or legal
stumbling blocks she might throw in my way just to test my determination,
seeking her out wherever she might playfully try to hide, showing her over and
over how far I'm prepared to go, to what extent I'm willing to put everything
on the line, even if it means resisting arrest, all just to prove to her that
she is the only one I can ever really truly love, pursuing her relentlessly,
relentlessly, relentlessly, relentlessly until she loves me back. Or
until I meet someone else. Why don't we get together and see what
happens? Ref. 3238 in c/o This Publication. On second thought, don't
even bother answering the ad. I'll find you.
Talks a good game
Hauntingly
beautiful young lady, breath-taking figure, seeks man, age and looks no object,
who is willing to sit for hours and hours upon end listening to my ill-founded,
utterly deluded theories and irrational beliefs about virtually everything in
exchange for a 23% chance of getting me in the sack afterwards. The right
man must be willing to grin and nod his head like an oil well while pretending,
when he can get a word in edgewise, to agree with me whole-heartedly like we're
some kind of long-lost soulmates. Write to ref. 2557 in c/o This
Publication. Statistics verified by Gallup International.
Good-time guy
Man,
late 20s, seeks woman who likes what I like. I like good food, good conversation,
good music, good movies, nice weather, being in a good mood and having a good
time. Fer chrissake, who doesn't? But what I really like is sex,
sex, sex, and more sex. Gleaaaghh. Write to ref. 1033 in c/o This
Publication. Not you, Sonia.
No snorers either
Recently
divorced 32-year-old woman, one child, seeks mature, emotionally stable,
non-drinking, non-sports-loving, non-Penthouse subscribing steady earner who
doesn't like Bruce Springsteen, doesn't line the sink with whiskers every morning,
isn't afraid to take the garbage out or change a diaper once in a while and is
in control of all of his digestive functions, if you know what I mean.
Write to ref. 2331 in c/o This Publication. Men who don't know how to put
forks away in the fork drawer or butter a piece of toast without leaving
lots of dry, unbuttered parts need not apply.
To place your personal, simply mail us the text of your ad
along with a check for $1.00 per word made out to the order of: Editor, This
Publication. Exes of employees of This Publication must also enclose an
additional check for $1 million. The content of any ad is the sole
responsibility of the person placing it. This Publication cannot be held
liable for any misleading claims, disappointments, broken dates, broken dreams,
broken condoms, boring dinners, murders, or screenplays about serial killers
that may result from the publication of these ads.
This page is intended to be an unrestricted, open forum for
me to shoot my mouth off. I think of it as a monument to freedom of
speech: mine. If you re-use any of this material, please give me
credit. I'd also appreciate it if you'd let me know that you used
it. While you're at it, give me a link.
A new article will be posted every two weeks or when I get
around to it, whichever comes last.
Previous articles are available on request. Requests,
complaints, compliments and crank commentary should be e-mailed to me at:
djaggard@choppingedge.com.
©1998 by David Jaggard. All rights reserved worldwide. Would I kid you?