Issue No. 93    February 21, 2011
      If My Ex-Fiancée's Brother Were
Somehow Elected President
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Good morning, Mr. President.

Hullo everybody. What's up this morning?

Well, Mr. President, the latest economic figures just came in and they are very troubling. Unemployment has surged again for the fifth quarter in a row and is now above 15%.

Really? Huh. Maybe we should do something like... I dunno, hire an extra janitor at the Capitol. Or something.

Mr. President, Hurricane Herschel has made landfall in Florida and is battering Miami. We've already got reports of more than 500 people dead, 120,000 without shelter and 3 million with no water or electricity, plus damage estimates in excess of 3 billion dollars.

Gee. Maybe we should, like, send a truckload of umbrellas down there. Or something.

Ahh, that's not all: riots have broken out all over the country to protest the new austerity measures. Dallas, Chicago, Cleveland, Detroit, Baltimore and most of Los Angeles are in flames. The police, fire departments and National Guard are overwhelmed. What should we do?

Wow. That's, like, a real problem. I guess we should tell the cops to take shorter coffee breaks. Something like that.

Sorry to interrupt, Mr. President, but our intelligence sources in Pakistan have just informed us that Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar and all of the other top Al Qaeda and Taliban leaders are going to be meeting at an identified location in Waziristan in about three hours. We'll need you to sign off on this order for a clandestine drone strike.

Huh? OK. Oh, wait! Are there going to be any dogs there?


I'm not approving any military action that might harm any animals.

But Mr. President...

You know, like Afghan hounds. No more discussion until you can find out if there'll be any dogs present. Get back to me. What's next?

Well, the Russian foreign office called. They demand to know when you're going to issue that statement you promised on arms reduction.

Oh. Yeah, that. Ahhh, what was the deadline again?

Day before yesterday.

Uh-huh. I was going to write that up, but then I couldn't find my favorite eraser. You know that one with the presidential seal on it?

But Mr. President, our relations with the world's second biggest military power have never been good, and now they hang in the balance depending on what you say in that statement.

Oh. You should have told me. Wait -- this used to happen to me in college. I'll just call the prime minister and ask for an extension. You think I can find his home number?

Ah, wait, Mr. President, there's something more urgent: an asteroid the size of Albuquerque is hurtling directly toward earth and is expected to land somewhere in the Western US within the next 12 hours.

A whateroid? Some kind of comet-y thing?

No Mr. President, an asteroid. A meteor, if you like. Its impact is expected to be the equivalent of 1 million times all the nuclear warheads on earth. What should we do?

Gosh. We should probably, like, tell people out there to stock up on toilet paper. And stuff. So get on it.

Mr. President, the Yellowstone Supervolcano is erupting. The explosion has obliterated everything within a 300-mile radius of the caldera and a dense cloud of incandescent ash is blanketing the entire Northwest, killing every living organism.

Hey, I know! I got an idea! Maybe that asteroid thingy will fall right smack in the volcano crater! The asteroid will, like, plug up the lava eruption and the lava eruption will, like, deaden the impact of the asteroid. Hey, yeah! Whaddaya think? Could happen! So let's just sit tight and see. OK, now everybody help me find that eraser...


Copyright 2011 by David Jaggard. 
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About the translation / traduction of Air France Madame Magazine and Nancy Li