Good morning, Mr. President.
Hullo everybody. What's up this morning?
Mr. President, the latest economic figures just came in and they are
very troubling. Unemployment has surged again for the fifth quarter in
a row and is now above 15%.
Really? Huh. Maybe we should do something like... I dunno, hire an extra janitor at the Capitol. Or something.
President, Hurricane Herschel has made landfall in Florida and is
battering Miami. We've already got reports of more than 500 people
dead, 120,000 without shelter and 3 million with no water or
electricity, plus damage estimates in excess of 3 billion dollars.
Gee. Maybe we should, like, send a truckload of umbrellas down there. Or something.
that's not all: riots have broken out all over the country to protest
the new austerity measures. Dallas, Chicago, Cleveland, Detroit,
Baltimore and most of Los Angeles are in flames. The police, fire
departments and National Guard are overwhelmed. What should we do?
Wow. That's, like, a real problem. I guess we should tell the cops to take shorter coffee breaks. Something like that.
to interrupt, Mr. President, but our intelligence sources in Pakistan
have just informed us that Osama bin Laden, Mullah Omar and all of the
other top Al Qaeda and Taliban leaders are going to be meeting at
an identified location in Waziristan in about three hours. We'll need you to sign off on this
order for a clandestine drone strike.
Huh? OK. Oh, wait! Are there going to be any dogs there?
I'm not approving any military action that might harm any animals.
But Mr. President...
know, like Afghan hounds. No more discussion until you can find out if
there'll be any dogs present. Get back to me. What's next?
the Russian foreign office called. They demand to know when you're
going to issue that statement you promised on arms reduction.
Oh. Yeah, that. Ahhh, what was the deadline again?
Day before yesterday.
I was going to write that up, but then I couldn't find my favorite
eraser. You know that one with the presidential seal on it?
Mr. President, our relations with the world's second biggest military
power have never been good, and now they hang in the balance depending
on what you say in that statement.
Oh. You should have told me.
Wait -- this used to happen to me in college. I'll just call the prime
minister and ask for an extension. You think I can find his home
Ah, wait, Mr. President, there's something more
urgent: an asteroid the size of Albuquerque is hurtling directly toward
earth and is expected to land somewhere in the Western US within the
next 12 hours.
A whateroid? Some kind of comet-y thing?
Mr. President, an asteroid. A meteor, if you like. Its impact is
expected to be the equivalent of 1 million times all the nuclear
warheads on earth. What should we do?
Gosh. We should probably, like, tell people out there to stock up on toilet paper. And stuff. So get on it.
President, the Yellowstone Supervolcano is erupting. The explosion has
obliterated everything within a 300-mile radius of the caldera and a
dense cloud of incandescent ash is blanketing the entire Northwest,
killing every living organism.
Hey, I know! I got an idea! Maybe
that asteroid thingy will fall right smack in the volcano crater! The
asteroid will, like, plug up the lava eruption and the lava eruption
will, like, deaden the impact of the asteroid. Hey, yeah! Whaddaya
think? Could happen! So let's just sit tight and see. OK, now everybody
help me find that eraser...
Copyright 2011 by David Jaggard.
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the translation / traduction of Air France Madame Magazine and Nancy Li